


Bitter Scent of Lemon (Never Leaves My Heart)

by misakikinomoto



Category: Haikyuu!!, 風が強く吹いている | Kaze ga Tsuyoku Fuiteiru | Run with the Wind (Anime)
Genre: A+ Parenting, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Friendship, Growing Up, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Kageyama Tobio-centric, Like actual good parenting, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Personal Growth, Pining, Polyamory, Rejection, Slow Burn, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25479910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misakikinomoto/pseuds/misakikinomoto
Summary: There is such a thing as never-returning happiness. That is what you taught me in the end.Kageyama knew that, when it came down to it, if it was a choice between him and anyone else, he would never be the first pick. Naturally, that would be the case even with his soulmates.There’s no other way I can be hurt any further.
Relationships: (background), Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou/Yaku Morisuke
Comments: 670
Kudos: 1807
Collections: Haikyuu!! Fics





	1. Older

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> So I've been reading a lot of Iwaizumi/Kageyama/Oikawa fics (I quite literally no longer have an actual true OTP in any of my recent fandoms, but that is a topic for another time), and I wanted to do one as well, I guess. 
> 
> Basically I had a plot bunny and desperately wanted to write it.
> 
> Fic's title is from the song Lemon by Kenshi Yonezu. My fave cover of the song is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJiKvGHaH0E
> 
> Lemme know what you think!!!!

_ And loving is hard, it don't always work _

_ You just try your best not to get hurt _

_ \- Older by Sasha Sloan _

It wasn’t uncommon for the Karasuno volleyball team to find themselves at the Sawamura household, bringing with them all the chaos and noise of a 3rd grade classroom. After their loss to Aoba Johsai, Sugawara had decided they didn’t just need more practice, they also needed to feel more like a team, a family. 

And so, the team started hanging out at Daichi’s house when they could, usually with some food they had bought from Ukai’s store. Today was no different, except that Tanaka, Nishinoya and Hinata had somehow gotten them into a discussion on soulmates.

“I can’t wait to meet mine!” crowed Hinata.

Someone had brought soda to the party and made the questionable decision of giving Hinata some. Tobio winced slightly at the volume of his friend’s voice, but didn’t move away, even though Hinata was sprawled halfway across his lap.

“I wish Kiyoko-san was mine!” yelled Tanaka, and Noya crowed in agreement.

Ennoshita glared at the two from his seat across Tobio, shaking his head slightly in exasperation. Really, it was no surprise that Kiyoko had decided that she wouldn’t be joining them, especially since Tanaka and Noya were particularly rowdy when she was nearby, as if they had gotten it into their heads that being louder would get them her attention.

“Oh my god,” grumbled Tsukishima from where he was sipping on his soda, eying the trio with disgust.

“Tsukki,” said Yamaguchi, snickering.

Tobio wasn’t surprised that the discussion had taken a swing in this direction. Their class was starting soulmate lessons, a point of excitement for most of the people in their year since it was rare to have met your soulmate as young as them. 

“I suppose none of us have met our soulmates,” said Suga with a smile, and there were varying levels of agreement from around the room. The only person who didn’t say anything was Tobio.

He trusted the boys around him, even if he never said it out loud. Even Tsukishima, who primarily annoyed the hell out of him. They had been on a team for so long, and even though they had played volleyball against Aoba Johsai twice now, he had yet to actually tell them about this.

“Bakayama?” said Hinata, noticing the silence. “You’ve not met your soulmate, have you?”

“No way,” said Tsukishima, gleefully. “Which unfortunate soul got stuck with the King?”

“Tsukishima,” snapped Sugawara, admonishingly.

Tobio figured the best way to say this, regardless of how unsure he was about this, was to simply rip the bandaid off. He trusted them. He did. And he could say this. He didn’t like having to keep this a secret from his team.

“I have,” said Tobio. “They rejected me.”

There was silence in the room, even Tsukishima seemingly uncomfortable. It was fairly taboo to reject your soulmate, it very rarely happened. Soulmate bonds had broken friendships and marriages, but they were meant to be revered.

“Do we know them?” asked Daichi, carefully. “Maybe it’s a misunderstanding?”

Tobio looked up, slightly puzzled. It had been a long time since he had been rejected, since he had all but been kicked out of the bond, so he knew his face didn’t give anything away.

“Yeah, we’ve played against them. Seijoh’s setter and ace. Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi-san.”

“What?!” yelled Tanaka. “Just give me the word, Kageyama, Noya and I will go beat them up!”

Part of Tobio wanted to snort, because he doubted Tanaka and Noya had ever really had a fight with anyone, ever. Regardless, before Karasuno, he had never had senpais who would fight for him, who would defend him like this, so he couldn’t really laugh.

“No, it’s fine,” said Tobio, with a shrug. He was getting a little uncomfortable, with all the focus on him. Hinata’s eyes had gone a bit dark, the way they did when he was angry and pissed off. It was a look Tobio wasn’t particularly fond of and found vaguely scary, though the look was very rarely aimed at him. “I’ve had time to get used to it. To get used to keeping the wall up.”

“How...how long have you known?”

“Since Kitagawa Daiichi,” said Tobio, shrugging slightly. “Oikawa-san tried to...um.”

He wasn’t sure if the team needed the details, if they needed to know about how that night had gone down. However, Tobio had never told anyone what had happened, and felt a deep urge to just put it out there. This team was now like his family, and family shouldn’t keep secrets.

“You don’t have to tell us if you’re uncomfortable, Kageyama,” said Asahi, gently. 

“He tried to hit me,” said Tobio, quietly. “Iwaizumi-san stopped him. And then he made it pretty clear what their stand on it was.”

“I’ll kill them,” said Daichi, angrily. 

“Like I said,” said Tobio, quietly, his left hand moving to grip his elbow in discomfort. “I’ve gotten used to it. Plus, not all soulmates work out. I know that very well.”

\---

The earliest memory Tobio had was of himself hiding in his room, listening to his parents fighting in the living room. He knew his parents were soulmates, and he thinks that they were, at some point, happy with one another. At the time, he didn’t understand why they insisted on making each miserable like this, because all the stories he heard from school or saw on tv had soulmates being happy. Finding your soulmate meant finding your happy ending. It was supposed to be someone who fit you perfectly, someone who was meant to love you forever.

And yet, in his own home, he watched his parents fall apart, watched as his mother left them, confused about why their family had fallen apart when his parents were soulmates.

“Is it because of me?” asked Tobio, staring up at his father. He only ever asked his father this once, because he hated the devastation on his father’s face when he had asked.

“No! Of course not, Tobio,” his father said. “I know you’ve been hearing more about soulmates, but the thing is that not all soulmates work out. Sometimes, a soulmate bond isn’t enough to keep you together. At the end of the day, if someone is making you upset, making you sad, making you hurt- you shouldn’t stay there. No one is worth hurting yourself like that.”

“Not even my soulmate?” Tobio had asked, eyes wide. In his eyes, Kageyama Touya, his father, had always been this larger than life hero, and here he was, talking to him like he was an adult, like he was telling Tobio the secrets of the world.

“Not even your soulmate,” said his father, firmly.

Tobio never truly understood what his father meant till the moment that Iwaizumi turned to him, his eyes unable to meet Tobio’s, outside the volleyball gym. Tobio had yet to actually recover from the look Oikawa had given him, the deep seated hatred that Tobio had never realized the boy held for him. Iwaizumi didn’t even try to see if Tobio was actually okay, didn’t bother reaching out to comfort him like he did with the others.

“I’m sorry, Kageyama,” he had said instead. “It’s just that Tooru and I...we’re good. I don’t really think...I don’t think we can handle someone new to the bond. Could you maybe…”

What Tobio had heard, clear as day, was the words,  _ “I’m choosing him, we don’t want you” _ .

And so Tobio had nodded, not sure what kind of face he had been making, but he was proud of how strong his voice was when he said, “Okay, Iwaizumi-san. I’ll put the wall up.”

Iwaizumi had flinched, but Tobio wasn’t sure if that had been because of the mention of putting up a wall- which would make it so that Tobio couldn’t feel Iwaizumi and Oikawa, and so that they wouldn’t feel him- or the fact that Tobio had said ‘Iwaizumi-san’ instead of ‘Iwaizumi-senpai’.

Iwaizumi had always been his senpai in Tobio’s eyes. But he didn’t think it was right to call him that now, when clearly, Iwaizumi didn’t even care enough about him as his kohai to see if he was okay. Tobio had never been the best with people, maybe he had misread the situation. It was better to keep that formality, since that was what they seemed to want.

Tobio still didn’t know how he had gotten home without crying, but the minute he saw his father setting the dinner table, he had burst into tears.

“Daddy,” he said, wiping his tears furiously. “Teach me how to put up the wall.”

\---

To their credit, none of the boys on the Karasuno team said anything about soulmates. Even though Tobio had tried to assure them he was okay and that it didn’t bother him, none of them mentioned it again.

Then again, Tobio felt like he understood the sentiment, felt the solidarity they were trying to offer him. He understood- he had had years to get used to the hard wall where a bond should have been, had had years of knowing his soulmates had rejected him, had seen his parents reject each other after years of a marriage and regardless of being soulmates. 

His team was still getting accustomed to the idea that soulmates could be rejected.

Daichi had sat with him one lunch time and said, “Kageyama, even if...even if you’ve gotten used to it, I just wanna make sure you know it's okay to be upset. Like, if you ever need someone to offer a shoulder to cry on or even just someone to talk to…”

Tobio nodded, pausing for a moment, considering his words carefully.

“My parents were soulmates too,” he said, quietly. “My mother left when I was still in elementary school. I’ve been aware that soulmates don’t always work out for a long time. And like my Dad said, no one is worth hurting yourself over. Not even soulmates.”

Daichi nodded, like he sort of got where Tobio was coming from.

“But still,” he said, quietly. “That doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad. It’s okay. And if you ever come to that point where you need me by your side, you have my number.”

Later that day, in his room, staring at the ceiling, Tobio thought about it. Had he just become numb to it? He had had the wall up for years now, it was second nature, he didn’t think he truly understood what it felt like to not have that solid feeling in his chest.

It had never gotten in the way of his volleyball, so he never thought much about it, never really worried about the emptiness that had settled in his chest. Should he be worried about it?

“Dad?” said Tobio, making his way downstairs. “Could I...discuss something with you?”

“Sure,” Touya said, looking up from his paperwork.

“You have the wall up, right?” asked Tobio. “Do you...do you feel this weird emptiness in your chest? Is that normal?”

His father stared at him- it was clear he had heard the question, but he was processing it, trying to work out what his answer should be.

“No, I don’t think so,” he said. “We can go to a specialist if you’d like. Is it bothering you?”

“Not really, I don’t really notice it,” said Tobio. “It’s just that...I dunno. I feel like something might be off. Shouldn’t I at least feel sad about it? I don’t feel  _ anything _ .”

“Hmm,” said Touya. “We can go to the doctor this weekend, I’m going to Tokyo and I know of someone there that I’ve spoken to. He talks to teens as well.”

Tobio nodded, glancing at his father once, before heading into the kitchen to make them dinner.

Neither he nor his father were particularly talkative in general, but they were comfortable in the confines of their home, and comfortable with talking about what they felt to each other, if no one else.

“By the way,” Tobio said, as he fried the fish he had pulled out of their fridge. “Takeda-sensei said we’re going to be attending a camp in Tokyo after the exams. I’ll need you to sign a form.”

“Sure,” said his father, looking up. “Is this a volleyball camp? How come it’s in Tokyo?”

Kageyama Touya had no clue how volleyball worked and Tobio knew it. Ever since his grandfather passed away, Tobio had poured himself into the sport in a manner that might have been worrying to Touya, had he not seen the gleam in Tobio’s eyes that he had not seen for a while. And so, Touya let it be, tried his best to understand his son’s love for the sport.

“I told you about the Nekoma team right?”

“Ah! The battle of the Trash Heap!”

“Yeah, that team,” said Tobio. “They go to this camp with some of their sister schools, and they’ve invited us to join.”

“So you’re studying for your exams, I suppose.”

Tobio focused on his food, earning a soft snort from his father.

“At least try to pass, Tobio,” said Touya. “Let me know if I can help.”

Tobio’s father always offered to help him study, but Tobio had yet to ever take him up on the offer. He had seen how tired Touya looked after work, and so, even if Tobio felt tired or sad, he would try to work it out on his own without bothering his father too much with it. 

His father had enough on his mind. There was no need to add to it with his own issues.

\---

When the weekend came, Tobio got into his father’s car to make his way to Tokyo.

“I have an appointment as well, with him, so I’ve just asked that your appointment be kept after mine. You don’t mind waiting right?”

Tobio shook his head, slightly nervous. What if something was wrong with him?

“And if the doc says you need to do anything, like pull down the wall, I’ll talk to those two boys. It's not fair to keep that burden on you.”

Tobio nodded, shifting slightly.

“Will you...will you come in with me?”

“If you want me to.”

The rest of the drive to Tokyo was spent in silence, both Kageyama’s quietly lost in their own thoughts.

“Just sit there, Tobio,” said Touya once they were in the doctor’s office. He pointed at a set of chairs near the reception, where a young boy was seated. Tobio watched his father go in before sitting down, fidgeting slightly.

“First time?” asked the boy from his position behind the desk, eyes on Tobio with mild interest. “You’re uncommonly young to be Dad’s patient.”

“Dad?”

“Ah, I’m Haiji Kiyose, college student at Kansei University,” he said, pointing at the board. “The doctor’s my dad, I usually help out on the weekends.”

“Ah, Kageyama Tobio. My dad just went in. I’m a high school student.”

“So why are you here?” asked Haiji, leaning forward. “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me. It’s just that you might be the closest to my age of all the people who have come in today.”

“Are...are they usually much older?”

“It’s common to meet your soulmates later on in life, so I suppose they are. But maybe it’s just the crowd that comes on the weekend, I don’t really know.”

“Ah,” said Tobio, looking down and they fell into silence for a moment. “Um.”

“You don’t have to tell me, Tobio-kun,” said Haiji, with an easy smile. “I was just curious.”

“They rejected me,” said Tobio, hunching slightly. 

“Says more about them than you,” said Haiji, and when Tobio looked up, he realized that Haiji was laser focused on him. The expression on his face reminded him eerily of Oikawa, the way his ex-senpai analyzed people.

Tobio was quiet, when Haiji decided to continue the conversation.

“So do you play a sport? From your jacket, it looks like you’re part of...To-ri-no?”

“Karasuno,” said Tobio. “I’m a volleyball player.”

“Oh! That’s cool! I used to be in the track team.”

“Used to?”

“Fucked up my knee,” he said, before pausing. “Shoot, pretend I didn’t swear, you didn’t learn that word from me.”

“Haiji-san,” said Tobio, drily. “I’m 15, I know what ‘fuck’ means.”

“No!” said Haiji, looking oddly distraught at the possibility. “Who told you??”

They paused, before Haiji started cackling, Tobio hiding the smile on his face. Tobio rarely felt this comfortable with other people, and more so, they rarely seemed to feel this comfortable with him. Even his own team, even Hinata, had tiptoed a bit around him before they all settled into their current dynamic. 

Tobio had always been the kid that was left out from all the games- even when he was in elementary. People would make teams, and then pretend he wasn’t there, ignoring him. He had never known how to ask as well, and so he played alone, practicing how to set with his Grandfather. 

He had never had someone get so comfortable with him. It felt...nice.

“I think your dad should be out soon, actually,” said Haiji, glancing at the clock. 

Tobio nodded, fidgeting again nervously.

“Don’t worry,” said Haiji, with a gentle smile. “You’ll be fine, Tobio-kun.”

\---

Haiji’s father had, in their first meeting, told Touya and Tobio that the weird emptiness might be because of the wall, but more because of how young Tobio had been when he put it up.

“We don’t see a lot of cases of people who meet their soulmates so young and have to put the wall up,” said Dr. Haiji. “And if they do, they very very rarely keep one up as long as you have, Tobio.”

Tobio looked down, slightly ashamed.

“It clearly shows how strong you are,” Dr. Haiji said, startling Tobio into looking up again. 

Wait, was it not...something to be ashamed of? 

“Even as an adult, it takes a lot of emotional and psychological strength to keep the wall up. Since adults have usually stabilized in terms of their hormones, it tends to be easier. But with you, you’re a teen, still growing, and you’ve managed to hold this wall up since you were what...12?” Dr. Haiji said, with a mild smile. “It shows your resolve. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. The rejection is a reflection of your soulmates, not you.”

Tobio blinked, because that was what Haiji-san had said outside as well.

And so, as he continued to study for his exams with Hinata and their new manager-in-training Yachi, Tobio went to Dr. Haiji every weekend to discuss his possible options. Every time, Touya went in first, leaving Tobio outside with Haiji. Haiji usually dragged Tobio into discussions, often more one-sided where Haiji chattered about track and the recent competitions. In the meeting before his exams, Haiji stopped Tobio before he went into Dr. Haiji’s room.

“Wait, here. Take my number. I actually study in Kansai University, which is pretty far from here. I was only coming this often because I needed to get my knee checked frequently, but I’ll stop coming by as often. Message or call if you need help with school stuff, or even if you just wanna chat.”

Tobio bowed slightly, smiling to himself.

“Thank you, Haiji-san.”

Haiji smiled, shooing him in the direction of the office.

“You better message me so I can have your number Tobio-kun!”

Tobio smiled to himself before entering the office.

“Ah, Kageyama-kun, have a seat. Based on our discussions in the past, I think I have something we can try,” said Dr. Haiji, smiling slightly.

“Oh,” said Tobio, slightly nervous. “Is it...is it bad?”

“Oh, no no, dear boy. It’s just that given how long it’s been, how long the wall has been up and how little contact you have with your two soulmates outside volleyball, I think you should be able to let the wall come down,” he said, glancing at Touya. “Your father and I have been trying it out with him, and it seems that he doesn’t feel the bond as such. He can feel it there, but not in a way that should let the other feel him or vice versa.”

Tobio stared at Dr. Haiji for a moment, and then said, “How...how do I take it down? Will they...will they be able to feel the bond if I’m near them?”

“If you need to, Kageyama-kun, you can put the wall up when you know you’re going to meet them. But without being near them constantly, I think you should be able to keep the wall down. Try it out. Touya will guide you through it now, if you’re comfortable with it.”

Tobio glanced at his father, and then nodded. He wanted to get it down. He wanted that weird feeling gone, he wanted that emptiness in his chest gone. 

Touya took his hands, his eyes sad. He had never wanted his son to have to deal with the pain he, himself, had dealt with. He had never wanted that for sweet, quiet Tobio- who had never learnt how to ask for help when he needed it, who had never learnt how to ask for something for himself, no matter how arrogant and bossy he seemed.

Slowly, Tobio relaxed, closing his eyes when instructed to do so. He reached deep inside, almost seeing the wall. Beyond it, he could sense light- golden light that hit against the almost transparent wall in front of him. However, at the same time, as strong as the light was, he could tell it was weak. It wasn’t there as much, almost distant in a way that made him feel emptier than he already was.

He reached out, and then the wall slowly, brick by metaphorical brick, came apart under his hands. 

It felt like…

It was like he could breathe again, after so long. Like he had been underwater for years, unable to hear or breath or see, everything blurry through a hazy filter. But now...now he could sense with complete clarity.

“Is it down?” asked Dr. Haiji, his voice sounding distant before his mind focused on his surroundings.

“Ah, yes.”

“How do you feel?”

“Like...everything is clearer? I don’t know how to explain it, it’s like this whole time I was underwater.”

“Hmm,” said Dr. Haiji. “I have had people report that in the past. Can you feel the other two soulmates?”

“Not really,” said Tobio. “They’re there, but they’re...far away.”

“That’s what it felt like to me as well,” said Touya, nodded. It was a relief- that Tobio could actually be free from having that wall up. He wasn’t sure how much of his son’s current personality was because of just how he was and how much was because of the wall and the rejection.

Tobio touched his chest, where the emptiness had been. It felt like it was gone.

\----


	2. King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, oh my god? Thank you for all the kudos, the kind comments and the bookmarks? I'm so flabbergasted that you guys liked it so much? You have no idea how happy you made me!!!!!
> 
> I've been writing this as a way to procrastinate on my research paper, which I honestly should focus on, but I see myself writing more this year as a break from class work and research work, so fingers crossed I stick to that I try to be nice to myself. XD
> 
> I hope you guys like this chapter too!

_So what, have you gone blind_

_Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours?_

_Glass half empty, glass half full_

_Well either way you won't be going thirsty_

_Count your blessings not your flaws._

_\- King by Lauren Aquilina_

Tobio had always been shy as a child. The area his parents had lived in when he was young had almost no children his age- the person closest to his age would have been in his late teens. And so, as a toddler, Tobio had never had people his own age around him to play with. Instead, he spent a lot of time with his grandfather, who had always been a large figure in his life growing up. Since both his parents worked and they didn’t want to send him to a daycare very far away, they usually left him with his grandfather.

Kageyama Kazuyo was a kind, gentle man, spending most of his days reading in his old fashioned house or playing with his grandson. Sometimes, he watched volleyball on his tv, which was how Tobio was introduced to the sport.

“Jiji?” said 4 year old Tobio. “What are they doing?”

“Ah, Tobio, that’s volleyball. Your Jiji used to play it when he was younger.”

“You used to play?”

“In high school,” said Kazuyo with a soft smile. “I coach a local team now.”

“Jiji, I wanna play too!”

Even though Tobio was only 4, Kazuyo had never said no to his grandson and he wasn’t going to start now.

“Let me first explain to you what the players do, okay?” said Kazuyo, pulling Tobio up to place him on his lap. 

And so, Tobio started playing volleyball with his grandfather. Every day, even when he started going to school.

One day, in elementary school, Tobio ran to his grandfather’s house, trying furiously to hide the tears and despair.

“Jiji,” he said, once Kazuyo had calmed him down a little and given him some milk. “No one wants to play with me.”

“What do you mean, Tobio?”

“Today, at school, we were playing that game...Fruits Basket? And they gave fruit names to everyone, but they said I was Onigiri.”

Kazuyo sighed, looking at Tobio with sad eyes. He knew that Tobio had always had issues relating to people his own age, perhaps because of the fact that he had grown up with no one to play with and relate to. He had never learnt how to talk to people his own age, and more often than not, spoke to himself, in a quiet whisper, if he felt like he was alone.

Tobio never seemed sad, but now, it was like his grandson was drooping, curling in on himself.

“I thought, maybe they aren’t being mean and they just forgot what fruit they could call me. So I waited and waited and waited.”

Tobio looked down at his empty and now crushed carton of milk.

“But Jiji, they never called. And then they said, there’s no place for an onigiri in a fruits basket.”

They sat quietly for a while, Kazuyo gently ruffling Tobio’s hair, trying to think of something to say. Children were truly cruel when they put their mind to it, and Tobio, even though he looks serious and intimidating for a child, was like a baby crab. He had a hard shell and soft insides, and the hard shell could break under the well-targeted jab.

“Tobio, you love volleyball right?” said Kazuyo, looking up at the sky, watching as the sunset lit up the sky in a myriad of colours.

“Jiji!” said Tobio, offended, immediately forgetting that he was sad. “Of course I do! What kind of question is that? I’m gonna be the best setter there is!”

Kazuyo smiled, looking at Tobio with a tilt of his head.

"Y'know Tobio... If you get really, _really_ good, you'll get to play lots more games. The best players get to play lots and lots of volleyball. If you get really good, I promise you. Somebody who's even better will come along and find you." 

\---

Tobio sat up, breathing heavily. He hadn’t thought about that day in a while, though his grandfather’s words had always stayed with him. He sighed softly, placing his arm over his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.

Today, they were going to get their exams back, and he was definitely dreading it. All he wanted to do was play volleyball. Part of him knew that there was a part of him that loved the sport not only because he derived genuine joy out of it and because it was all he had left of his Grandfather. There was a fairly sizable part of him that loved the sport because volleyball had always been the only way he had ever been able to speak to other people, it was the sport that led him to his soulmates, no matter how horribly that had turned out.

For him, volleyball meant that he had people around him that wanted to play with him, when the children back in elementary did not.

However, he couldn’t just keep lying in his bed. He rolled out of bed to go get ready. He could hear his father cooking their breakfast downstairs, the quiet clatter of utensils being dropped making him smile a little.

His father wasn’t the best cook, which was why cooking was usually left to Tobio. After his mother had left, Tobio and Touya had no clue what to do- neither of them had ever really cooked, and so Touya had tried his hardest to learn.

Unfortunately, that endeavour was one destined for failure, because his father was probably better off not going into the kitchen. Tobio had picked up recipes while he was helping his father and his Grandfather make food, and so once he was sure his cooking was satisfactory, he decided to force his father to never set foot into the kitchen again.

With some negotiation, they had agreed that Touya would make breakfast and only that.

Tobio smiled, pulling on his uniform pants before glancing at the mirror. There, he could see his soulmate mark pulsing right over where his heart would be. 

He hadn’t looked at his mark since the rejection, choosing to ignore its existence the same way his soulmates had ignored his. He didn’t need the mark to play volleyball well, and he had thrown himself into the sport.

When his grandfather passed away in his junior high, Tobio fell into volleyball with a desperation that was akin to a man who had lost everything.

It was that desperation, that deep desire to belong when he never could, that had resulted with him getting the name “King”.

It was that desperation that had ended with him being shoved into a wall by Oikawa, having his soulmate hiss, “I don’t give a shit who you are, _King_ , but I’m not going to have you come and ruin another team I’ve worked hard to build. Do _not_ come to Aoba Johsai.”

Tobio had gone home and promptly torn his acceptance to Seijoh into pieces, staring at the small pieces of paper that resembled his heart.

Perhaps a part of him had hoped that, as older boys, as boys who must have grown up, Oikawa and Iwaizumi would come to care for him.

He had been a fool, and he had slipped deeper into his acceptance that he would always be alone, he would always be lonely.

And then he met Hinata.

And then he met the rest of the Karasuno team.

He had found a team he could finally call his own. They were his family. He had found them, and they were a little odd, a little scary, not necessarily the best in terms of individual player skills. But he had found them, and they were his. He had done this through his own power, and he refused to let Oikawa and Iwaizumi and his old team at KitaDai and his past take that away from him.

Whenever he felt like he was too lost in his own self doubt, he would look back at the team he had, the team that always had his back the same way he would always have theirs. And the quiet voices in his head, the quiet misery he had started to accept as his fate- they were gone. 

He didn’t feel as lonely when he had them by his side.

He smiled a small smile at his reflection, but it was one that looked like he wasn’t sure if he was amused or not.

Volleyball had brought him a lot of pain, worry, heartbreak. But it had also given him strength, joy and partnership. 

It seemed like a bit of a joke on the part of the Universe that, on his chest, where his heart would be, was a red, green and white volleyball.

\---

“Please explain to me,” said Tsukishima drily, glaring at Tobio and Hinata. “How you both managed to fail. I told you to study this!”

Tobio winced. The first exam after his wall had come down had been his English exam, and he wasn’t sure if the mess in his head during the exam was because of his general dislike for English as a subject or because of the wall having come down and him getting used to it.

“And you!” snapped Tsukishima, pointing at Hinata. “What kind of moron writes the answers off by one question?”

“Hey!” said Hinata, angrily. “We got good grades in the others!”

“You passed,” corrected Tsukishima, hands on his hips. “That too, barely.”

“I did well in science,” said Tobio, grumbling at the fact that Tsukishima was ignoring that fact that Tobio had beat his own record in the science exams and somehow gotten a 77. No one needed to know that he had called Haiji, panicking about his exam and how horribly the english exam had gone. And absolutely no one needed to know that the only reason he had done so well was because Haiji was a good teacher and had tutored him the night before the exam.

Tsukishima glared at him, before sighing loudly.

“There was one exam I told you two to work harder at, and that is the one exam you failed.”

“Your marks in the science exams were great, Kageyama,” said Suga with a smile, his eyes twinkling with amusement. 

“Will we still be allowed to come to Tokyo?”

Takeda nodded, straightening up a little when the attention was shifted to him.

“Since it’s just one exam, you’ll have to do the supplementaries, but only for one paper. I don’t know how you’ll get to Tokyo though.”

Hinata drooped beside him, and Tobio frowned a bit, thinking if he could ask his father to drop them in Tokyo, maybe go to work later than usual.

“Don’t worry you two!” said Tanaka, grinning proudly. “Let that to your senpai. You two just focus on your exam!”

Tobio was mildly concerned, because he knew very well that Tanaka didn’t always have the best ideas. If Tanaka, Nishinoya and Hinata were together, it was like three brain cells coming up with exponentially worse ideas.

He glanced at Sugawara and Daichi for reassurance.

“We’ll get you to Tokyo,” said Daichi, with a smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

Tobio nodded, mildly uneasy, but he decided that it was maybe better to just let it happen. The team dispersed after that, Tobio following Hinata quietly as they went to pick up his bike.

“Ne, Kageyama,” said Hinata, looking at him as they walked out of the school. “Can I ask you something?”

Tobio nodded. Hinata looked uncomfortable, and for the life of him, Tobio couldn’t think of anything he had done to make his...friend? Yeah, Hinata was his friend. He didn’t know how Hinata thought of him and, like in the case of Kindaichi, he had a history of mistaking affection for friendship. But Hinata was his friend, he had faith in that.

“We’re friends right?”

“Boke,” said Tobio, gruffly, glaring at Hinata to try to not blush. “Obviously. What kind of dumbass question is that.”

“Hey!” yelped Hinata in outrage. “Excuse me, I just felt the need to check. Because you’re my best friend. And I want to be there for you, but that means I want to ask weird questions, and I don’t want to die.”

Tobio was sure his blush was clear on his face so he looked away, mumbling, “Boke. You’re my best friend too.”

“So can I ask you something?”

“Hn.”

“About soulmates?”

“...Hn.”

Hinata grabbed Tobio’s arm, forcing him to look at his best friend.

“You don’t have to answer,” said Hinata. “I just want to understand so that we, as a team, can make sure that we spike a ball straight into Great King’s and Ace’s face. And Turnip head and that other boy too.”

Tobio was slightly flustered at the protective gleam in Hinata’s eyes, the resolve in his face when he said the words.

“I know. I want to. I…” started Tobio, looking away again. “I trust you.”

Hinata’s whole face lit up in joy, jumping up and down excitedly.

“Really, Bakayama? Do you really?”

“Of course, Boke. What kind of dumbass questions are you asking? Come over, it’s easier to talk at home instead of on the road.”

“Bakayama is inviting me over!!!” Hinata sang, skipping next to Tobio, whose ears had turned a bright red. He had never invited anyone home, but it felt right to invite Hinata over.

They walked towards his house, Hinata’s excitement bursting out of the orange haired boy like he could barely conceal it.

“Pardon the intrusion!” said Hinata, brightly, as they entered the house.

“Dad’s not home right now,” said Tobio, pulling off his jacket to hang it up. “Are you going to stay for the night?”

“I’ll have to ask my mom! Your dad won’t mind?” asked Hinata, making his way to the phone.

“No,” said Tobio. “It’ll be fine. I’ll get some snacks ready while you’re on the call.”

“Okay,” sang Hinata. His excitement made Tobio smile slightly. He hadn’t ever had anyone so excited to be around him the way Hinata always was. He and Hinata were rivals, but they were also best friends, and that rivalry was the sort that made them both try to help the other get better. Tobio had helped him fly, and in turn, Hinata had helped him trust.

He poured himself a glass of milk, before pouring Hinata some juice and pulling out some snacks for them to eat. He didn’t know what Hinata liked to eat other than the meat buns from Ukai’s store, so he would probably have to ask what he’d like for dinner.

“Yamayama!” Hinata said, poking his head in. “My mum said okay! Where should I put my stuff?”

“Ah, great. Um, here’s your juice. What do you want for dinner?”

“Huh? Whatever is easy for your dad to make, I guess.”

Tobio snorted, leading the way to his room.

“My dad isn’t allowed to be in the kitchen,” said Tobio, smirking slightly. “I’ll be making it, so let me know what you like, boke.”

“Heeeeeeennnhhh? You cook, Yamayama?”

“Yes, boke, now shut up and get in.”

Hinata scurried into his room, looking around curiously. Tobio let him look around his room as he grabbed a shirt and a pair of trackpants to change into.

“Here, Boke,” he said, tossing Hinata a shirt. “I don’t think any of my pants will fit you but you can use my shorts.”

Hinata quickly changed as well, and when he came back, he glared at Tobio, as his daring him to make the easy joke. Tobio’s shorts were almost laughably big on Hinata, and it made him look even tinier than usual.

Tobio held in the joke, staying where he was sitting on the floor next to his bed.

“What did you want to know?”

Hinata flopped down near him, lying on his stomach, his head towards Tobio as he gazed up at him.

“Have you ever told anyone about your...um.”

“My soulmates?” asked Tobio, sipping on his milk. “No one other than my dad.”

“What about your friends in highschool? You knew that Turnip head and that sleepy boy right?”

“Kindaichi and Kunimi? I thought we were friends, but apparently not.”

“What do you mean?”

“After our first match with Seijoh, when you bumped into me and Kindaichi,” said Tobio quietly. “He said we were never friends anyway.”

“The next time I see him, I’ll send the strongest spike possible into his face!”

Tobio smirked slightly at that image, before the expression faded away as he thought about Kunimi and Kindaichi. He had specifically not told them, because at the end of the day, all he had wanted was a team to play with. 

After Iwaizumi’s and Oikawa’s reactions to finding out who he was, when they all felt the bond suddenly pull tight when the three were at that fateful after-practice session...after that, Kageyama had thought that maybe it would be better to not say anything for the sake of the team. Part of him, he had to admit, was scared that Kunimi and Kindaichi would abandon him too, that they would look down on him. The other part genuinely believed that maybe they would take his side in this, and then it would disrupt the team.

He hadn’t wanted that. 

All he had wanted was to play. He had just wanted someone to play with, someone to keep up with him, to love their game as much as he did.

And at the end of the day, both Kunimi and Kindaichi left him regardless of his soulmates, so perhaps the problem was just him, always him.

Kageyama quietly said as much and Hinata moved to a seated position, eyes dark and angry.

“Yamayama. I keep up with you, right? The rest of the team too.”

“Well of course.”

“Then they should have tried harder,” said Hinata, frowning. “How is it your fault that you’re good? I’m gonna beat you regardless!”

“You should probably work on receiving with something other than your face first,” said Tobio, drily, though he definitely appreciated Hinata’s words.

They bickered for a bit before they settled into silence again.

“How...how did you know they were your soulmates?”

“Well,” said Tobio, quietly. “I think everyone realizes it differently. Some people see the other’s mark and they realize because they match. Others don’t realize it immediately, and the bond appears after years of them knowing each other. I...I was sort of like that? I had known both of them as my captain and vice-captain for a while but had never realized, but then one day the bond just...snapped into focus and I knew.”

“And they felt it too?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t one of those cases of delayed bonding,” said Tobio quietly. “I could tell they both felt it, and Iwaizumi-san even addressed it once he pulled me away from Oikawa-san’s attempt to hit me.”

“I would never do that to someone,” said Hinata, angrily. “How could they hurt you like that?”

Tobio smiled slightly to himself, looking at his lap. He had thought to himself, more than once, that he would have been better off with Hinata as his soulmate. But you didn’t wish away soulmates, and all soulmates had a purpose, even if they hurt you like his mom had hurt his dad, the way his soulmates had hurt him.

You shouldn’t wish away people, you shouldn’t wish for something you knew nothing about. Soulmates were meant to be part of you, and deny it as he would, Tobio knew, deep down, that Oikawa and Iwaizumi were as much a part of him as he was a part of them. Their lives were interwoven intricately, and their volleyball games were a clear depiction of sharp edges, quiet tears and unspoken pain. 

Whether they wanted to or cared to, Iwaizumi Hajime and Oikawa Tooru had shaped Kageyama Tobio into the boy-man he was today, they had made him like this, and Tobio didn’t care.

He knew what he had, he had a father who loved him, a best friend who cared (regardless of how much they fought), a team who believed in him and in whom he believed. He had a new friend and senior in Haiji Kiyose, regardless of the distance. 

He had never been the best at making friends, but he had always been good at seeing his blessings, and he was not going to let his heartache pull him away from the good he had around him, the way he had let it in middle school.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me over at @LemonGirl0594 on twitter and misakikinomoto on tumblr! I've been procrastinating there too XD


	3. Marutsuke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I'm so glad you're all liking the fic! It means to a lot! I hope you like this chapter as well!
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments, kudos and bookmarks! Chatting with all of you is a lot of fun and I mentioned to a friend that we have basically created a club- the Kageyama Tobio Deserves Love, Affection and Many Friends club- and I am the current President (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> In other news, my research work is...coming along in some shape or fashion, I suppose. I think its the quarantine that is making me feel like this, but it feels like I have so many hours in the day and there is literally no progress on anything. But I'm gonna keep trying, and I hope all of you are safe, healthy and (relatively, as much as one possibly can be in these times) stress free.
> 
> I'm looking forward to chatting in the comments, and feel free to chat with me over on twitter as well!
> 
> See you next chapter!!! (●´ω｀●)

_These days are like a miracle_

_But nothing is enough_

_To fill up the emptiness_

_\- Marutsuke by Centimillimental_

  
  


Tobio sighed loudly as he finally left the room he was doing his supplementary exam in.

“Yamayama!” a loud yell came from down the corridor as Hinata ran towards him. 

“Shhhhh,” hissed Tobio, glancing apologetically at the teacher that had peeked out of the exam room to glare at them. “Boke! Be quiet!”

“Let’s go, let’s go!”

The two of them raced downstairs, excited to finally be going to Tokyo to play again. Tobio had been excited ever since they had found out about the game. Nekoma had a lot of very strong players. Kenma, the setter who seemed to try to avoid Tobio, was a very good setter and their libero, Yaku Morisuke, was incredibly good. Tobio hadn’t seen a libero that matched Nishinoya in terms of skill before- even Seijoh’s libero wasn’t as good as Nishinoya. Their captain made Tobio want to rip his own hair out but you could tell he was a talented middle blocker regardless of his personality- or perhaps because of it.

If Nekoma was that good, he was sure the other teams joining would be a great challenge for Karasuno.

As they finally reached the courtyard outside their school, he saw a blonde woman standing there, a small smirk in place. 

“Hey there, low-mark boys,” she said, with a smirk. “Hop in.”

Tobio stared at her for a moment, warily. 

“Are you Tanaka’s sister?” asked Hinata. Now that Hinata had said it, Tobio could see the resemblance- from her face to her fashion sense. She was, however, way prettier than anyone related to Tanaka should be, at least in Tobio’s eyes. 

He knew better than to let Tanaka know of this, though.

“Yup!” she said. “You can call me Saeko-neesan. I’m get you to Tokyo in a jiffy!”

She winked at them, smirk still in place.

“S-saeko-neesan!” Tobio and Hinata said, and Tobio could feel the warmth in his cheeks. He was gratified to see, however, that Hinata was no better.

They both hurried into the car, with Tobio in the back seat. As Saeko and Hinata started talking, Tobio pulled out his cell phone. His phone had buzzed when he was rushing out of the building.

**Haiji-san: Have you set off to Tokyo yet?**

He and Haiji had been chatting on and off through the week. It was nice to have an older boy- a senpai, in a way- that wasn’t through volleyball, one that willingly put himself in that place in Tobio’s life.

**Tobio: Yes we just got into the car.**

**Haiji-san: Wait, who’s driving? You told me your dad was going to be at work?**

**Tobio: Tanaka’s sister is driving us there.**

At that exact moment, Saeko clearly accelerated the car, sending Tobio flying into the car door he had entered through.

**Tobio: She’s a bit terrifying.**

**Haiji-san: What do you mean? Do you feel unsafe?**

**Tobio: No? She’s just...a very bad driver.**

**Haiji-san: ⊙﹏⊙**

**Haiji-san: Maybe just sleep the rest of the drive? Tokyo is a couple hour’s worth of travelling. Message me when you get there.**

**Tobio: Ok.**

**Haiji-san: ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡**

Tobio settled into the back seat so he could sleep.

\---

Tobio sighed, looking around a little. After they had arrived, Karasuno apparently won their first match of the camp. He could easily tell how strong all the other players were, and it was exciting. However, he hadn’t really taken into account how friendly Hinata was.

When Hinata was distracted, he sometimes forgot Tobio was with him, just assuming that the other boy existed by his shoulder at all times. Tobio didn’t particularly mind, he was glad Hinata was able to make more friends, especially with people who could

“Ah Kageyama!” said Daichi, waving from where he was sitting. Sugawara was at the table with him, as well as Nekoma’s captain and Fukurodani’s setter. He was patting the space between him and Nekoma’s captain, and Tobio spared a moment to eye him warily before sitting down.

“Now now,” said Kuroo, leaning towards Tobio. “There’s no need for that look!”

“Kageyama has a good instinct when it comes to shady people,” said Sugawara, smirking at Kuroo who made a sound of offense.

“Or rather, shady people are attracted to him,” said Daichi, with a snort.

“It’s a curse,” said Tobio, drily, unknowingly playing along with the bit. Yaku, Nekoma’s libero, snorted from his place next to Fukurodani’s setter.

“Yakkun!” said Kuroo, eyes wide. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“You’re the shadiest person I know,” said Yaku, not even looking up. “Leave Kageyama alone.”

“How was your exam, Kageyama-kun?” asked Fukurodani’s setter, whose name he had yet to learn.

“Ah, I think it went okay.”

“Really?” asked Sugawara, smiling in a way that felt menacing.

“I actually understood what I was reading and writing, so I guess so?”

“Good good,” said Suga, the menacing feeling fading away slightly. “Did you end up asking your dad to help?”

“Ah, no,” said Tobio, sipping on his milk. “I, um. I have a friend who taught me.”

“Oh?” said Daichi, leaning towards Kageyama. “Who is this friend? Do we know them?”

“Um…”

“Wow, way to be a Dad, Daichi,” said Kuroo, snickering. “Let the boy breath.”

Tobio, for a brief moment, felt relief as Daichi moved away from him to glare at Kuroo. Before he could feel grateful for Kuroo’s intervention, though, Kuroo opened his mouth again.

“So, Kageyama,” he said. “Are they cute?”

Tobio felt his cheeks burn, embarrassed at the implication of the words.

“No no, he’s...he’s just a senpai.”

“Not a senpai we know, I hope?” asked Sugawara, and Tobio shook his head. It was clear that Sugawara thought that it might have been Oikawa or Iwaizumi, and Tobio figured that this wasn’t the place to tell Sugawara that he didn’t really consider either of them “senpais”.

“My dad’s friend’s son. We’ve been messaging a little.”

“Is that why your phone has been buzzing non-stop?” asked Fukuroani’s setter. Tobio hadn’t even noticed it, his face going pale for a moment when he realized he hadn’t messaged Haiji back. The phone had 6 missed calls and multiple messages, and he immediately called back.

“Hello?” Tobio started.

“Tobio-kun!” yelled Haiji, and Tobio instinctively held the phone away from his ear in hopes of saving his hearing. “I told you to message me when you reached! Do you know how worried I was? What if someone had kidnapped you and I didn’t know?” 

“Why would someone kidnap me?” asked Tobio, flustered and very confused, trying hard to ignore the faces his seniors at the table were making. All of them seemed to be varying levels of amused.

“Tobio-kun!” said Haiji, and Tobio sighed softly, wondering how he had gotten here. He wasn’t sure how to reduce the volume and Haiji was being very loud. “You don’t understand how creepy the people out in the world are! They would definitely seek out cute boys and kidnap them.”

“I have to go,” said Tobio, quickly. “I forgot to message, I was playing a game.”

“Wait, Tobio-kun!”

Tobio disconnected, glaring at the phone.  
  


“You sure it isn’t a boyfriend, Kageyama?” asked Kuroo, with a smirk.

“No,” said Tobio, glaring at Kuroo. “He’s just...always like this. I think...I think he knows it annoys me and it amuses him.”

“I get it,” said Kuroo, grinning. “Yakkun is super cute when he gets mad, clearly you’re the same.”

Tobio flushed red, leaning away from Kuroo. Yaku yelped angrily from where he was sitting, “Excuse me?!”

Tobio watched, wide eyed, and Yaku flew at Kuroo, round house kicking him. Tobio grabbed his food so his tray didn’t get upended, while Daichi grabbed Tobio, pulling him back to get him out of Yaku’s range.

“Ignore this creep,” said Yaku. “If he ever bothers you, Kageyama, let me know. I’ll deal with it.”

Tobio nodded mutely, glancing at Fukurodani’s setter and then Daichi and Suga, all of whom seemed amused and not at all alarmed.

Kuroo whined loudly, and Yaku attacked him again, making Kuroo scream, “Demon senpai!!!!”

Tobio slowly inched away from them, closer to Daichi, eyes wide and confused.

“They’re always like that,” said Fukurodani’s setter, sipping on his tea.

“How do you deal with them and Bokuto, Akaashi?” asked Daichi, snorting at the whine from Kuroo, but not paying any more attention to him.

Tobio looked at the other setter, finally having a name to attach to his face, filing it away in the hopes of calling him something other than “Fukurodani’s setter” or “Pretty Setter” in his own head.

“Infinite patience,” said Akaashi drily, making Kageyama snort.

He listened to the rest of the table bicker, smiling slightly to himself.

He wasn’t very good at making friends, but he was good at listening, and it seemed, in this place, that was enough.

\---

“And he was so tall!” said Hinata, as he walked next to Tobio. Hinata was filling in Tobio on the giant he had met on his way to the bathroom, and from the way he was describing this guy, he sounded vaguely like the Russian mobsters on the shows his dad liked to watch.

He also had to wonder if Hinata should have a constant companion to the bathroom at this point. Hinata always came back from his trips to the bathroom with weird stories of scary guys, and Tobio knew that he, himself, had been included in that list at one point. 

“What was his name?”

“Lev!” said Hinata. Before Tobio could ask anymore questions, though, Daichi called them into their huddle. They were going to have another game against Nekoma today. 

“Well,” said Ukai. “I guess we haven’t won any set against them yet, but today is going to be different, right?”

“Yes!” said the team, straightening up a little at the challenge.

Nekoma was always fun to play against, even Tobio had to admit that. 

It was their serve first, and, as usually, Tobio quickly tossed to Hinata, who got the spike past Lev. The boy was actually very tall- part of Tobio hadn’t really believed Hinata because his orange haired friend definitely had a tendency to over-exaggerate when it came to his recounting of things that happened to him.

They got to serve again, and Kageyama, once again, tossed to Hinata.

This time, however, Lev blocked Hinata. Kageyama could immediately tell from the slight tenseness in Hinata that his friend wasn’t going to take this well.

It meant that Tobio would have to be better, would have to make it so that Hinata would get past even Lev. And he would. He would do everything he needed to in order to get Hinata to where he wanted to be.

The next ball went to Asahi with Hinata as the decoy. But they were blocked again.

They took the break, Kageyama making his way to Yachi to get some water. From the corner of his eye, he could see Hinata’s tense form. 

At the base of his stomach, Tobio felt uneasy, like he was going to get sick. He had a bad, bad feeling. 

However, Hinata smiled a little to himself, clutchin his jersey tightly, and Kageyama breathed out a soft sigh. 

It seemed that, like he often did, Hinata was going to take this as a challenge instead of an obstacle. It was one of the reasons that he and Hinata got along so well- they had made a promise to each other, and everything in between was just a challenge they would have to cross to see the other side. 

Regardless, the tightness in his stomach stayed, and Tobio felt more and more uneasy.

And then Tobio saw what he thought he would never see. 

Hinata- albeit subconsciously- trying to steal a toss from the ace. It felt like his worst nightmare had come true. He refused to have his best friend see and go through what he himself had gone through in school. He couldn’t stomach the thought of Hinata having to feel that loneliness that was a direct result of his greed.

All Kageyama had wanted was to be better, get better, be better. Be faster, be stronger, be quicker. And because of that greed, that drive, he had ended up along.

How could Hinata not see that, not feel that, not get that?

“I’ll...I’ll stop closing my eyes,” said Hinata, seriously, to Kageyama. Even though the words were said directly to Kageyama, their team around them made soft sounds of shock. Hinata, till this point, had always kept his eyes closed during their quicks- probably due to the fact that Hinata had never had actual training in volleyball and functioned primarily on instinct.

“Huh?” said Tobio, eyes narrowing slightly. Hinata straightened up.

“I can’t...I can’t keep hitting quickes that are catered to me,” he said, and Tobio finally felt it.

The knot in his stomach rose to his chest, and he could hear the metaphorical second shoe dropping. 

“You can’t,” said Tobio, calmly. He needed to explain to Hinata why this greed would not lead him down the right path, that this would be his undoing. “This is why we learnt normal quicks.”

Tobio took a deep breath before looking Hinata in the eye.

“I don’t know what is going on in your head, but if you want me to, I’ll listen to you later. But if you plan on doing this today, doing this now...I’m not going to set to something I know will miss.”

Around them, as the game progressed, Tobio could feel the tension in the team rising, the darkness of that greed slowly eating them all up. Everyone at Karasuno was driven...they may not have the best skills, but they were all driven in their own way and seeing someone push themselves that much further would only naturally push the rest to do the same. It was something that Tobio knew was Karasuno’s strength...but it was also its weakness. It was this drive that made them unstable in so many ways, and he could feel them all approaching the tipping point.

He wasn’t surprised when they lost.

Suga dragged both Tobio and Hinata out, probably so that he could try to monitor their inevitable argument. 

“Before….before I had even realized it,” said Hinata, looking resolutely at somewhere close to Tobio’s shoes. “We had lost to Seijoh.”

Tobio stiffened, the memory of that loss, watching Oikawa and Iwaizumi turn his back on him yet again still fresh in his mind.

“I didn’t even realize it when...that the ball had passed me and had hit the ground. And then…”

Hinata looked up to look Tobio in the eyes.

“You apologized to me, saying that in the end, they had read you. But Kageyama,” he said, “I was the one that lost! You did exactly what you were supposed to do perfectly!”

“I realized,” said Tobio, trying to ignore the storm inside, the pain he felt when thinking about that match. “During the match. That it’s the setter that brings out the 100% in the spiker. Your quick is your ultimate weapon. Any slip up in that can end up fatal.”

And then Tobio turned away, breathing deeply.

“Your will is not needed for that quick.”

And with that he walked away.

Tobio knew that there was a fight just waiting to happen. He could feel it on his skin, could smell it in the air. So when they got back and he and Hinata went to the gym, he was already concerned about having Yachi there.

At the end of the day, he would do everything he needed to do to make sure Hinata reached his goal. But not at the cost of Hinata himself- he refused to let the isolation and pain and fear and heartbreak that happened to him in middle school happen to Hinata. 

He didn’t want to see his best friend break.

And so he tried to push that sentiment into the argument that inevitably flared to life as they yelled at each other in the court, Yachi forgotten. He hadn’t thought that it would become physical, but when he felt Hinata’s hands tighten against his neck, and saw the rage in Hinata’s eyes, he knew.

He was okay with being the villain if it meant that their team won. Tobio knew that this was risky, that his senpais only had so long left, and he knew that Hinata would never forgive himself if they lost this chance at Nationals.

He would be the villain even if it hurt, because it meant that the team's dreams would be achieved.

\---

“He did what??” yelled Haiji into the phone. Tobio wasn’t sure if this was Haiji’s general volume or if Tobio was just his victim of choice, but he had learnt pretty early on to talk to Haiji with his speaker on.

“We had a fight,” said Tobio. 

“And it got physical?”

“Yeah. I think he needed that.”

“Not if it meant you getting hurt!”

“I think we both needed that,” said Tobio, pulling his wallet out of his backpack. “We aren’t talking, but it’ll be fine. I...I have to believe that…”

“Of course it’ll be fine,” said Haiji, warmly. “Friends fight all the time. Usually it doesn’t end with fist fights and a traumatized female classmate, but you and Hinata are apparently just weird in general.”

“Gee. Thanks,” said Tobio, drily. “Now tell me what I should get. You’re good with girls right?”

“Now what gave you that idea?”

“You give off the same vibe as…” started Tobio, before he paused. “You just seem like you would be.”

Haiji and Tobio had been talking for a while now, but the older boy never pressured Tobio to talk about his soulmates. Instead, he often let Tobio guide the conversations, even if the topics were probably boring for something older and, theoretically, more wise. It meant that Tobio had someone other than his father to talk to about his life. Tobio loved his father, he truly did, but there were just some things he didn’t want to talk to his father about, because it would just cause more worry than needed.

Haiji, though, was non-judgemental, listened to him, and treated Tobio like a friend, even though they were a few years apart. It felt like Tobio had an older brother- he had never seen many siblings interact, but it felt like it was similar to how Hinata treated Natsu or how Saeko treated Tanaka.

“This is for Yachi right?”

“Obviously.”

“Hey, you might have lots of girls lining up to give you confessions,” said Haiji, a light teasing tone in his voice. Tobio snorted at the idea.

“I’m pretty sure all the girls in our school are vaguely wary of me. I only speak to Kiyoko-san and Yachi.”

“Hmmm. What does she like?”

“Um..art? I think she wants to go into design like her mother?”

“Hmm, I don’t really know that much about art. You could easily go wrong with that because there are so many type,” said Haiji. “Maybe go with something simpler. Like flowers?” 

“Would that work?”

Haiji paused, like he was thinking.

“Actually you know what, yeah, do it. Let me know how it goes.”

Tobio couldn’t help but find the slightly amused tone in Haiji’s voice slightly suspicious, but he really did feel guilty about scaring Yachi like that. Yachi had been really nice to him once she had stopped finding him scary, and had even helped him study for his supplementaries even though she really didn’t have anything to gain from it. 

It was also nice to be able to talk to- in some sense- someone who was his age but not a volleyball player. Yachi was a bit odd- with how easily she freaked out- but he was slightly fond of her. He was glad she would be their manager when Kiyoko left. The older girl had always made him slightly nervous- she was far too pretty and put together to be real and he was a bit wary of people that were so pretty they reminded him of-

No, he wasn’t going to think about that.

He walked out of his home, wondering where he should get flowers when he noticed the elderly lady who lived next door.

“Obaa-san,” said Tobio, leaning over the hedge separating the sidewalk and her garden. “Sorry to bother you. But do you know where I can get some flowers?”

“Oh, Tobio-kun,” said the old lady. “Hello there. Did you say you wanted some flowers? Why don’t you come in, I have some flowers that recently bloomed, and you can take some of the daifuku I made. I keep making too many.”

Tobio nodded, thanking her awkwardly. She didn’t seem to mind his awkwardness, just pulling him with her so she could cut him some nice flowers and pack the daifuku.

And so, an hour later, Tobio was outside Yachi’s apartment, a bag of daifuku in hand and a small handful of flowers in the other.

“Kageyama?” Yachi said, surprised to see him outside her apartment. She glanced at the flowers, and the confusion deepened.

“Um Yachi,” said Tobio, holding out the flowers. “These are for you.”

Yachi seemed to immediately start panicking, pulling him into the apartment before waving her hands around.

“I- I!”

Tobio tilted his head slight, confused.

“I couldn’t figure out what to get, but I thought these would be safe.”

“Um, Kageyama, um. I...I’m sorry, I can’t accept this!”

“Oh,” said Tobio. Perhaps the fight had really upset her. It was a little upsetting that Yachi wasn’t going to accept his apology, but he still had to say it.

“It’s okay,” said Tobio, with a shrug. “I just. I know you were really scared when Hinata and I were fighting the other day, and I wanted to apologize for that.”

“Wait,” said Yachi, suddenly going still. “Wait. What?”

“I thought flowers would be a good way to apologize? Don’t girls like flowers?” said Tobio, slightly puzzled at how Yachi was slowly turning red. “Are you okay? You seem to be going red, are you allergic to flowers?”

“No!” yelled Yachi, before giggling. “Kageyama, did you get me the flowers to apologize?”

“Um, yeah,” said Tobio, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “The Obaa-san next door let me take some flowers from her yard. Do you...do you not like them?”

Yachi’s giggled had turned into full blown laughter.

“Kageyama-kun,” said Yachi, grinning. “Since it’s just me, it’s okay to get me flowers, I definitely like them. But maybe don’t get flowers for other girls.”

“Okay?” said Tobio, handing her the flowers. “Why?”

“Because usually when a guy gives a girl flowers, it has romantic connotations.”

“What?” said Tobio, turning pink. “Haiji-san set me up!”

Yachi put the flowers into a vase with water, before turning back to him.

“And Kageyama-kun,” said Yachi, a small fond smile on her face. “Thank you for the flowers, I accept your apology. It was...it was really kind of you to go out of your way to apologize.”

Tobio nodded, before looking at the bag in his hands. He had come all the way out here, he might as well spend some time with Yachi, since she seemed to be comfortable with him and wanted to talk. His best friend was angry with him, and while he knew, deep inside, that he and Hinata would make up soon enough, it didn’t mean that he was lonely.

At this point, he would have figured he would be used to the cloying loneliness. Loneliness was a strange feeling- you didn’t notice it creeping up and settling inside of you till it was too late. And now, he was left with the blank feeling where the wall had once been.

“Say,” he said. “Do you like daifuku?”

He was happy- he was happy to have Yachi and Hinata, and to some extent Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.

He was walking in circles, even though he knew very well what was missing. 

But could you really miss something you never had? 

\---


	4. Playdate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy!
> 
> So another chapter is up! And we see a character entry and my angst train is about to begin!!!! 
> 
> I really hope you like this chapter!
> 
> And thank you so much for all the support! I really appreciate it! (▰˘◡˘▰)

_ When I try to talk you're always playing board games _

_ I wish I had monopoly over your mind _

_ I wish I didn't care all the time _

\- Playdate by Melanie Martinez

  
  


Tobio stepped out of Yachi’s home, his mind light. Yachi was fun to talk to, even if he didn’t always understand what she was talking about- she always slowed down or explained it with patience that Tobio had come to admire. 

Once outside the apartment complex, he stretched a little before setting off in a slow jog. He had dressed up in his jogging clothes when he decided to go to Yachi’s, having planned to jog the way back instead of taking the bus, like he had on the way there. 

As he jogged, Tobio found his mind wandering back to what Hinata wanted. Tobio still wasn’t sure how Hinata would be able to make the spike with his eyes open with so little time left. He wanted to believe in Hinata’s ability to pull it off, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was selfish of Hinata to want to do this. 

He understood that drive to succeed, to constantly evolve- but that drive had taken everything away from him. He didn’t want Hinata to have to face that. 

He could still remember the feeling of watching the volleyball hit the ground in their match, the feeling of losing the only thing he had left. He could still feel the wall against his back when Oikawa slammed him against it to hiss at him. He could still feel the weight of his heart breaking inside his chest when Oikawa took the shrapnel that he and Iwaizumi had left in Tobio’s heart, and twisted it- telling Tobio how he shouldn’t even think about coming to Aoba Johsai. 

All Tobio had left of his Grandfather was volleyball. All he had left of Iwaizumi and Oikawa was volleyball. He had a team now, they were family, and he had gotten them through volleyball. 

But the pain, the loneliness, and anguish- the tears that Tobio had cried before he had gotten the team was something he refused to let Hinata experience. 

Even if the imprints of Hinata’s hands on his neck had raised eyebrows and still did.

He...he needed to know. He needed to know what he should do, he needed to be the setter Hinata needed him to be. But how could he be that? He wasn’t-

“Oikawa-san?” said Tobio, staring dumbly at the tall boy that he hadn’t even noticed on the road he was jogging through. Next to him was a small child that looked at him curiously, like he wasn’t sure who Tobio was.

It was understandable, Tobio doubted he was important enough for Oikawa to talk about him.

“Tobio-chan?” said Oikawa, and then he huffed.

Suddenly, Tobio became aware of the slow tendrils of gold- the bond- slowly moving towards him and into his chest. Immediately, Tobio slammed the wall up- it hurt, to put that wall up again, but Tobio had to do it, he had to. 

Oikawa stared at Tobio for a moment, a vaguely confused expression on his face.

“Oikawa-san I-”

“No,” said Oikawa, pouting slightly. Tobio refused to notice how it made Oikawa oddly endearing because that wasn’t what he was here for. He was aware of Oikawa’s attractiveness- but he was also fully aware of the borderline shitty personality it came with.

“But-”

“No!” said Oikawa, sticking his tongue out. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“But, Tooru-nii!” said the kid. “You told me you didn’t have anything to do because Iwaizumi-niisan is angry with you!”

Tobio felt his eyebrows rise before bringing his face back to neutrality. Why would Iwaizumi be angry with Oikawa to the point that Oikawa couldn’t just go and bother him?

“Shut up Takeru!”

Tobio vaguely remembered that Oikawa had mentioned- back in middle school- that he had a nephew, but he had never actually seen him. 

“Oikawa-san, please, just listen-”

“Tobio-chan, what part of I don’t want to hear it do you not-”

“Please!” said Tobio, bowing. He was met with complete silence, and he was tempted to look up to check if Oikawa was still there, but he could still see his feet.

Suddenly, he felt a push against the wall. It wasn’t rough or angry, just curious, like the bond was testing it out. However, it still hurt, and Tobio hid the flinch, staying in the bow.

“Takeru,” said Oikawa, and Tobio almost stood up at that tone. It was far too serious a tone for him to be in such a position, he needed to move away just in case. “Takeru, take a picture, make sure it’s good!”

Tobio felt Oikawa’s hand on his middle back- it wasn’t gentle or forceful. It didn’t even feel like Oikawa was trying to make sure Tobio stayed in the position for the photo- it was like Oikawa had just put his hand there because he could.

He could hear the click of the photo and then a grumble from the child.

“You’re so uncool, Tooru-nii.”

“Hey!” said Oikawa, offended. His hand slipped away from Tobio to reach out for the photo and Tobio stood up straight.

“You didn’t have to stay bowing,” said Takeru, looking up at Tobio curiously.

Tobio shrugged, with a slight lilt to his lips. Even now, he knew how to get Oikawa to do things his way- he had watched Iwaizumi do it over the years and had worked out what he needed to do if he wanted Oikawa’s help. He didn’t use it often- preferring to avoid Oikawa and Iwaizumi for the sake of his own well being- but he knew Oikawa liked feeling superior to Tobio. 

It didn’t matter that, in Tobio’s eyes, Oikawa would always be the gold standard and always be the superior setter. Oikawa, himself, didn’t seem to realize it, and so if it made Oikawa happier and it meant that Oikawa would answer his questions the few times that Tobio went out of his way to ask them...well. Tobio had pride, but he didn’t hold it so high that he didn’t know when to let it go.

“I know,” he said. “But it would make him more likely to listen, so it’s fine.”

“Tooru-nii is a brat,” said Takeru, and Oikawa’s head snapped up at that, glaring at Tobio and Takeru.

“Now tell me quickly, Tobio-chan. What do you need? I’m a busy man.”

“So, um,” started Tobio. He didn’t want to give too much away. “So what if you were close to the tournament, and um, Iwaizumi-san wanted to-”

“Stop with the hypotheticals,” said Oikawa, his eyes serious as he regarded Tobio.

“Fine,” said Tobio, quietly. “Hinata wants to hit our quick with his own will even though he’s had his eyes closed the whole time.”

“It would be pretty impressive if he could pull that off,” said Oikawa, contemplating the idea. They both knew that Hinata wasn’t particularly strong in a lot of the other aspects of the game. “Why not let him do it?”

Tobio stared at Oikawa, flabbergasted. 

“Don’t make it sound like it’s that easy! Hinata doesn’t have any technique!”

A small smile curled along Oikawa’s lips. It was a mean little smirk, but his eyes were still serious, no teasing in sight.

“And what? You just told him to do as you say?” he said. “You sound like a dictator, Tobio-chan.”

Tobio flinched, looking away. The words hurt but Tobio could tell Oikawa was actually trying to say something because while his words were sharp, his tone was the sort of serious tone he had only heard a few times.

“Have you actually put any thought into it?” Oikawa continued. “Tell me, have you been giving the Shrimp the tosses he actually wants? Have you even tried to?”

Tobio looked down, thinking about it. He had seen how Oikawa tossed to every spiker differently, but had never actually put any thought into what Oikawa was actually doing. He could remember Hinata asking Tobio to toss for him.

“If you keep thinking of the situation as the best possible scenario, Tobio-chan, and you’re getting defensive about it, doesn’t that make you a coward?” asked Oikawa, with a slight tilt of his head. 

Oikawa also knew exactly what he needed to do, what buttons to push, when it came to making Tobio do something he didn’t want to.It was what made Oikawa such a great captain and such a great setter. It was a little frustrating, to know that he and Oikawa knew each other so well and yet, Tobio was still left with nothing but a wall he had to keep up.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, Tobio,” said Oikawa, startling Tobio into looking at Oikawa again. Oikawa rarely used his name without the honorific, and even now, Tobio straightened up to listen. “The person who leads the attack isn’t you, it’s the shrimp. If you can’t understand that, then you’re just reverting to a king.”

Tobio flinched, before realizing the implication. Did Oikawa mean that Tobio had become something more than a king? And what did that mean in terms of what he needed to do for Hinata? He was closer to the answer but yet so far away.

“Anywho, Tobio-chan. I would say it was a pleasure chatting with you, but it never is,” said Oikawa, with a small wave. Tobio glared at him, which only made the smile of Oikawa’s face widen. “I need to discuss something with you, but I need to take Takeru home to my sister today. I’ll come find you.”

“Please don’t,” said Tobio drily, before wincing because this interaction was a little too familiar and a little too much like how he had seen Iwaizumi act with Oikawa. 

“How mean, Tobio-chan!” said Oikawa with a small pout, before smirking again. “I’ll come find you!”

Tobio couldn’t help but dread that inevitable interaction, and wondered exactly how he could avoid it. 

Before he could really think about it, his cellphone rang in his pocket. Why was Ukai calling him?

\---

Oikawa and Iwaizumi had always been the center of Tobio’s world in middle school. He had looked to Oikawa as a senpai who had so much to teach him, so much to offer him. He had looked at Iwaizumi as a senpai who always cared, who looked at Tobio and saw that he was just a child. 

This was what he had needed when his parents had split and his grandfather had passed away, and Tobio and Touya were left with only each other. Tobio knew that his father would hate that he had ever thought this way, but Tobio never, ever wanted to be a burden to his father. He knew he wasn’t, but at the same time, he wanted to make sure that Touya never had to worry about him. 

So instead, he had looked at Oikawa and Iwaizumi and found a place he didn’t have to act like he was older than he was, like he was more serious than he was shy. 

Perhaps Tobio, at the age, had a little too much faith in other people. For all the bullying in elementary and how alone he was, Tobio had never actually had to think about the fact that other people might not see him the way he saw them. He had never had anyone actually turn their back on him. 

Looking back now, Tobio sort of understood why Oikawa had come to resent him. Oikawa didn’t actually see himself the way Tobio and, perhaps, Iwaizumi saw him. Both of them looked at Oikawa and saw how talented he was, how hard working, how brightly he shone.

But Oikawa only saw his own lacking, and in doing so, he saw all the things he lacked in Tobio.

Tobio knew he didn’t come across as particularly emotionally perceptive, but he understood this. There were a lot of emotions he didn’t understand, a lot of nuances that flew over his head when it came to interactions- but that was more because he had never had to deal with those interactions, not because he didn’t understand the emotions behind them.

Suga had said, when Seijoh had made the stipulation that Tobio be the starting setter for their match, that he was surprised that Tobio was worried about him.

Tobio didn’t know how to put across the fact that the reason he understood was because he had seen Oikawa, had watched how having Tobio as his backup had driven him to rage. He didn’t want that for Suga. Tobio didn’t mean to cause these issues, they just happened.

What no one seemed to understand was that while they all had worked hard to get to where they were, so had Tobio. Tobio had been playing volleyball since he was 4. He had been practicing with his grandfather for years before most kids had even started playing volleyball. It wasn’t because he was a natural genius- it was because he had truly grown up with the volleyball attached to him. 

There was no accounting for experience. 

But Tobio also knew that experience came in many forms- it just felt like the setters around him forgot that. Tobio knew how to set with pin point accuracy, but he still hadn’t learnt how to earn the trust of his team, how to keep that, how to know what each player needed. 

It was something Suga and Oikawa knew very well, and Tobio needed to learn it from them. He was grateful that this time around, he had Suga to teach him, and not Oikawa.

\---

Tobio wasn’t sure what Hinata was doing, but every day, after practice, he would run off in a different direction. They were still not talking to each other, and Tobio could sense Suga and Daichi’s concern, but Tobio knew that neither he nor Hinata would talk to each other till they had something to actually say. Hinata wouldn’t say anything till he worked out how to reach his own goal, and Tobio wouldn’t say anything till he could properly do the “toss that stops” that Ukai told him about. 

They were best friends, yes. But they were also rivals, and they wouldn’t be able to talk to each other till they had something to show the other.

So, Tobio grabbed the volleyball from his room, ready to head out to practice. Yachi was usually with him when he practiced in the gym, but it was pretty late now and he didn’t like the idea of Yachi having to take the bus alone at whatever time he decided to go home.

“Where are you off to?” asked Touya, looking away from the TV, where he was watching the news. 

“Need to practice,” said Tobio. “I need to get this toss down.”

“The ‘toss that stops’?” asked Touya. “Do you need me to come with you? You said you need someone to throw the ball.”

“Ah, no, you’re probably tired,” said Tobio. He could see the slightly weary slump to his father’s shoulders.

“Nonsense,” said Touya, with a smile. “Let me go make myself a thermos of coffee and we can head out. Do you have a place we can play?”

“I asked Ukai if the neighborhood association would let us use their court,” said Tobio. “I think Yamaguchi is practicing at one right now, but Takinoue-san said I could use the field behind his store.”

“Ah, that’s nice of him,” said Touya, getting up from his seat. “Give me five minutes and you can tell me about this Neighborhood Association. They’re the team that you guys plays a while back, right? Ukai-san’s friends?”

Tobio nodded, fidgeting with the volleyball in his hand as he waited for his father to come back downstairs. Touya finally appeared in a loose shirt and a pair of track pants, and quickly made some coffee.

It was a nice evening out, the temperature cool enough that it gave Tobio a little energy. He quietly told his father about the match they had played against the Neighborhood Association, about how they were rather good. 

“And what is Hinata doing right now?” asked Touya, glancing at his son. “Are you both going to talk only when you have something to say?”

Tobio nodded and then shrugged.

“Hinata has always seemed to understand I don’t mean to…”

“He gets what you mean,” said Touya, with a smile. 

“Yeah,” said Tobio. “I don’t really have to say things that I can’t put into words.”

“I’m happy you’ve found Hinata,” said Touya. 

Tobio nodded and was about to say something when he heard his name being called.

“Tobio-chan!” yelled someone, and Tobio turned, immediately dreading this. Approaching them from their right was Oikawa, with the other wingspiker and the middle block from Seijoh. 

“Oikawa-san,” said Tobio, trying not to let his father know who Oikawa was. Touya had asked Tobio who his soulmates were, and Tobio had refused to tell him. At the time, it was because he was scared that his father would take him away from KitaDaii, but it was also so that his father would just not be able to tell who his soulmates were on the off chance they passed by each other.

“My my, you shouldn’t be out so late, Tobio-chan,” said Oikawa. Behind him, the wing spiker rolled his eyes, glancing at the middle blocker.

“I’m allowed to be out,” said Tobio, shortly. 

“And who’s this?” asked Oikawa, smirking at Touya.

“My dad,” said Tobio, watching with slight glee as Oikawa’s smirk fell.

“Ah, Kageyama-san,” said Oikawa, slightly flustered, bowing slightly in greeting. “I’m a...senpai of Tobio-chan’s.”

Tobio raised an eyebrow at that, because when had Oikawa ever been his senpai? As if he noticed Tobio’s expression, Oikawa’s eyes sharpened slightly before Tobio felt a hand roughly ruffling his hair.

Tobio hadn’t been aware that hair ruffling could feel threatening.

“This is Makki and Mattsun,” he said, vaguely pointing in their direction. Touya tilted his head slightly, looking at the other two boys who just introduced themselves since Oikawa didn’t seem to want to.

“It’s nice to meet you boys,” said Touya. “You’re from Seijoh, right?”

“Yes,” said Oikawa. Tobio just wanted to leave.

“Tobio was supposed to go there but he decided to make a last minute decision to go to Karasuno, instead,” said Touya casually, smiling at Oikawa. Tobio froze slightly, because Oikawa didn’t know that.

“That’s a shame,” said Hanamaki, with a head tilt. “Kageyama is a good setter.”

Oikawa, however, was staring at Tobio in surprise. Tobio looked away, tugging at his father’s sleeve.

“It was nice to meet you guys,” said Tobio, glaring at Oikawa. “But I need to get going.”

“Where are you off to so late?” asked Matsukawa.

“Ah, Tobio said he got permission to use the court that the Neighborhood Association uses. We’re off so he can practice.”

“I can help him out, if you want to rest, Kageyama-san,” said Oikawa, smoothly. Both the boys behind him seemed surprised, and Tobio started shaking his head. He didn’t want Oikawa to help him! That would mean having to be around Oikawa for longer than he needed to.

“It’s okay, Oikawa-kun,” said Touya, with an easy smile. “I’ve not watched Tobio set for...a while. I’m looking forward to it. Thanks for the offer though.”

They stood there for a moment.

“Anyway, it was nice to meet you Kageyama-san,” said Oikawa, with a sweet smile before focusing on Tobio. “I’ll come see you some time, Tobio-chan!”

“No thanks.”

“I’m probably going to be out tomorrow, so if you boys want, you can just come over to our house,” said Touya easily.

“Dad!” whined Tobio, betrayed. His own father had betrayed him!

“We’ll come over tomorrow then,” said Oikawa, grinning. “See you then, Tobio-chan!”

Tobio glared at Oikawa before nodding politely at the other two, stomping ahead of his father.

He was not looking forward to tomorrow. 

Oikawa seemed to like playing games, but Tobio didn't want to play. All he wanted was to either be left alone or to matter to Oikawa and Iwaizumi. There wasn't an in between, Tobio wanted them to either leave or to stay, instead of this constant back and forth that Tobio didn't know what to do with.

\---


	5. You Broke Me First

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya everyone! 
> 
> So this chapter might be a bit shorter than the others and only contains one scene, but I wanted the focus to be Oikawa and Kags. I hope you like it!
> 
> My summer paper...well. Its...I don't even know. I sent my sort-of draft, it wasn't right, so I am redoing it and am hoping to get it done this week? So fingers crossed on that.
> 
> I had feelings and wanted to channel it into this chapter, so like. I hope you like it?

_ Now suddenly you're asking for it back _

_ Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve? _

_ Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had _

_ But I don't really care how bad it hurts _

_ When you broke me first _

_ \- You Broke Me First by Tate McRae _

Tobio spent the morning fidgeting slightly. He wanted to go out and practice but then Oikawa would be unbearable the next time he saw him. He was pretty sure Oikawa didn’t have his phone number, which was a blessing, but that also meant Tobio couldn’t go out till Oikawa came by- unless Tobio sent a message to him, which then meant Oikawa would have his number.

Tobio groaned, running his hand through his hair frustratedly. He still couldn’t think of anything that Oikawa might want to talk to him about. Was it not enough that Oikawa and Iwaizumi had rejected him? Was it not enough to have beaten him when he was with the only team he had ever been able to call family? What more could Oikawa possibly want? 

Tobio knew the real reason Iwaizumi had rejected him had been Oikawa- it was clear. Iwaizumi didn’t have any particularly strong opinion about Tobio outside his interactions with Oikawa and how it affected Oikawa’s health- both mental and physical. 

What had he done to piss off Oikawa to this extent? Why did the boy want to hurt him more?

The sharp edges of glass that both the older boys had shoved into his heart that fateful night still remained, the heartache still remained. Tobio couldn’t pull it out, because all that would happen was that Tobio would bleed and be unable to stop the overflow of emotions and tears. 

At this point, it was better to be left behind, left with nothing but a volleyball and the heartache in his chest.

Nothing good would come out of trying for anything else- Tobio knew that but...but he still wished. How could he not?

Tobio sat down on the couch, fiddling with his phone for a bit before wondering- did he want to be alone with Oikawa in his house? Oikawa hadn’t mentioned whether he was bringing Iwaizumi or not, or even if he was bringing anyone along to begin with. 

He couldn’t call Haiji- the older boy had said he was going to be having tests soon and was studying for it. Tobio had no doubt that Haiji would just decide to catch a train to come to Miyagi, regardless of the fact that it was a 6 hour train ride from Kansai to Sendai to begin with. Perhaps it would be better to call someone he knew in Miyagi?

Tobio immediately pulled out his phone- even though he and Hinata were fighting, Tobio knew the boy would come by if Tobio needed him. But at the same time, calling Hinata would be as pointless as calling Haiji- neither was particularly useful in this situation, and Hinata was fairly nervous around Oikawa regardless of his grand claims to get revenge for Tobio.

He quickly scrolled down his contacts and saw Daichi’s name. His captain had told him to call any time Tobio felt like he needed him. He wasn’t sure if this counted as such a situation, but regardless, Tobio pressed the call button.

“Hello?” said Tobio, quietly

“Ah, Kageyama,” said Daichi. In the background Tobio could hear loud chattering and the screams of children. “What’s up?”

“Oh, I. Are you busy, Daichi-senpai?” asked Tobio, hoping that he wasn’t interrupting.

“Not really, just the family relaxing at home.”

“Ah,” said Tobio, and then he paused, not sure how to continue.

“Is something wrong?”

“Um. Oikawa is coming to my place today,” said Kageyama. “He...he didn’t tell me why, just that he was coming over.”

Daichi was quiet for a moment.

“Do you need me to come over?” asked Daichi, and Tobio felt a sudden surge of gratefulness that he didn’t have to ask Daichi out loud. “Are you comfortable being with him alone? Is it only him or is anyone coming with him?”

“I…I don’t know,” said Tobio. “I don’t know if I want to be alone with him.”

“Okay,” said Daichi. “Okay, give me about two hours. I’ll drop by, send me your address. You dad won’t mind me dropping by, right?”

“No,” said Tobio, not wanting to mention that the reason Oikawa knew when to drop by was his father. “No, it shouldn’t be an issue. Thank’s Dachi-senpai. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

“Don’t be,” said Daichi, warmly. “I’ll drop by with some meat buns and then you can show me that toss you’ve been practicing, if you’re ready to show it to me.”

“Okay.”

“Do you know when he’s dropping by?” asked Daichi. “I can try to come by a little earlier if he’s due to come by soon.”

“No, he didn’t tell me a time.”

“Okay, then I hope I get there before him.”

“Thanks,” said Tobio, softly. There was a pause on the other side before Daichi chuckled.

“Of course, Kageyama,” said Daichi. “I want you to feel comfortable enough to depend on your senpais- whether it’s me, Suga, Asahi or the second years. You don’t need to do this alone.”

Tobio smiled to himself as he disconnected the call, feeling a little secure in the knowledge that Daichi would be on his way. It wasn’t necessarily that he was afraid that Oikawa would physically hurt him- it was the fact that Oikawa seemed to enjoy emotionally hurting Tobio.

No, that wouldn’t really be fair to Oikawa- Tobio was pretty sure that Oikawa didn’t actually care enough about Tobio to go out of his way to play games with him. But Oikawa wasn’t particularly good at holding back his words when he was annoyed or angry, and Tobio somehow always managed to annoy Oikawa, even when he was trying now to.

He decided that if Oikawa was going to take his own time coming over, he might as well go and cook lunch. If he made enough, perhaps it would be enough for dinner as well and Tobio could go out and practice till dinner time.

Just as he was about to finish chopping the vegetables to make some udon, a sharp knock startled him out of the calmness he always settled into while cooking.

Tobio paused, looking at his chopped vegetables and sighed. The knocking started again, and Tobio knew from the sharpness that Oikawa was whining. As quickly as he could, he put the wall back up, wincing slightly. It wasn’t that painful anymore, the action almost habitual. It was more that the action left him feeling weirdly...unsettled. 

“Coming,” he called, wiping his hands before moving towards the door. Like he had guess, on the other side was Oikawa, and behind him Matsukawa and Hanamaki. Neither of the other two seemed like they wanted to be here.

“Hello,” said Tobio, looking subtly for the fourth member of the group, wondering why Iwaizumi was not with them.

“Tobio-chan!” said Oikawa, pouting slightly. “Aren’t you going to invite us in!?”

Tobio made a face, one that clearly showed exactly how much he wanted to do this, but he stepped aside regardless.

“Please come in,” said Tobio, drily.

“Sorry about this, Kageyama,” said Makki. “We figured it probably wasn’t the best idea leaving Oikawa alone with you.”

“Excuse me!?” said Oikawa, pausing in his motion to slipp out of his shoes. “Tobio-chan would enjoy every moment with me!”

“I really wouldn’t, but okay,” murmured Tobio, softly enough that only Hanamaki and Matsukawa could hear him.

As they all made their way in, Tobio finally asked the question that had been on his mind since he had bumped into Takeru and Oikawa on his run home.

“Where is Iwaizumi-san?” asked Tobio, and Oikawa looked up. Immediately, Tobio knew he shouldn’t have asked, Oikawa’s eyes had turned sharp and annoyed.

“Why? Would you prefer he be here instead of me?” Oikawa snapped. Tobio stepped back, slightly confused. Part of him wanted to agree, because Iwaizumi may have been the one who dealt the rejection all those years ago, but he constantly made sure Oikawa stayed in line. He got the feeling that voicing that wouldn’t be in his own best interest, though, so he refrained from saying anything in reaction.

“I was making udon,” said Tobio. “I’m assuming you haven’t eaten yet? I needed to know how many people would be turning up against my will.”

“You cook?” asked Matsukawa, following Tobio into the kitchen as Oikawa and Hanamaki set their bags aside. His lips were curled up in a slight smirk but Tobio didn’t think the boy was trying to make fun of him. He seemed, instead, mildly curious.

“Yes,” said Tobio. “My father isn’t the best cook, so I usually do the cooking.”

“Where’s your mom?” asked Hanamaki, finally making his way into the kitchen as well, Oikawa trailing after him.

“She doesn’t live with us,” said Tobio, pulling out some soda for the three boys.

“Oh, did she meet her soulmate?” asked Matsukawa. It was a natural question, given that it was common for soulmate bonds to destroy marriages and happy relationships between people who weren’t soulmates.

Tobio was suddenly hit with the realization that neither Hanamaki or Matsukawa knew that Tobio was the third soulmate to Iwaizumi and Oikawa. It wasn’t that he wanted them to know, but he felt slightly annoyed that he had been kept a secret like this, even if neither wanted him.

“No,” said Tobio, quietly. “My parents were soulmates. She left when I was entering middle school.”

There was an eerie silence in the kitchen, and Tobio calmly handed the soda to the three. Oikawa was the only one who met his eyes, but Tobio wasn’t sure what the look in his eyes meant.

“You can sit down at the table, if you’d like,” he said, pulling his sleeves up a little. “The udon should be ready soon.”

“Um,” said Hanamaki, like he wasn’t sure what to do. “You sure you don’t need help?”

“I just need to throw everything together,” Tobio replied. “It’s fine.”

He didn’t really want them in the kitchen as he cooked, primarily because he was buying himself time to calm down. He was oddly nervous. Oikawa rarely ever had anything positive to say to him in general, but he tended to be relatively less ruthless when Iwaizumi was hovering somewhere close enough to throw something at him.

Tobio wasn’t sure why he felt safer when Iwaizumi was around, even though he had been the one to deal the final blow to Tobio’s heart back in middle school.

“Hey, look at this,” he heard Hanamaki say. “It’s Kageyama and his dad. I wonder how old he was in this.”

“Middle school,” said Oikawa, calmly. “Probably first year. He hadn’t hit his first growth spurt yet.”

“The fact that you know his age based on how tall he was, Oikawa....” murmured Matsukawa, and Tobio winced at the sound of Oikawa whacking the other boy on the arm.

“Shut up, Mattsun,” said Oikawa.

“He was really cute, huh?” said Hanamaki, as if the other two hadn’t spoken.

“Of course he was,” said Oikawa. It was as if Oikawa didn’t realize Tobio could hear him. “The brat is the cutest uncute person I know.”

This was met with silence, and Tobio realized it probably sounded really odd to the other two, given that Iwaizumi and Oikawa were in a relationship. What exactly did Oikawa want to talk to him about, if not the soulmate thing?

“The food is ready,” said Tobio called, plating the udon. He quickly placed the food on the table, and then some water. 

“Thanks, Kageyama,” said Hanamaki. “It looks good.”

Tobio nodded, taking a seat. He was mildly annoyed that Oikawa took the seat across him, but he refused to let it show. Neither Oikawa nor Tobio spoke as they ate, the silence being filled with Hanamaki and Matsukawa cracking strange jokes. He didn’t really understand their sense of humor, given their constant references to memes that Tobio had never seen, but he couldn’t help but like their lively energy.

He wondered when Oikawa would speak, because clearly this wasn’t meant to be a random hangout- when had he and Oikawa ever actually just hung out? There was still an hour left for Daichi to turn up, but with Hanamaki and Matsukawa here, he doubted Oikawa would try to do anything rash.

Finally, they had all finished eating, and Tobio moved to pick up the plates when Hanamaki stopped him.

“Don’t worry about it Kageyama, Mattsun and I will handle it,” he said. Tobio opened his mouth to say it was okay, but Matsukawa patted him on the shoulder.

“Oikawa said he needed to discuss something with you, so you can do that on your own.”

Tobio wasn’t sure how to say he would rather have the two nearby if he was supposed to be talking to Oikawa, but it didn’t look like anyone was listening.

Both he and Oikawa stood near the dining table before Oikawa sighed.

“Alright, Tobio-chan, come with me.”

Tobio followed him to the living room. He sat down as far as he could from Oikawa, watching him carefully. The living room was far away enough from the kitchen that he knew Hanamaki and Matsukawa wouldn’t be able to hear them.

“Tobio,” said Oikawa, and Tobio immediately straightened up as he always did when Oikawa used his name without the addition of “-chan”. “Tobio, I need you to be honest with me.”

“Okay?”

“Why do you have the wall up?”

Tobio felt a cold feeling settle in his chest. And then, he felt fire flare up in his chest, enraged that Oikawa would ask him this. How dare he come in two years after tearing Tobio’s heart in two and act like he cared? How dare he walk in like he deserved Tobio’s forgiveness, like Tobio was something he knew he could take for granted?

“I don’t know, Oikawa-san,” Tobio snarled. “Why  _ would  _ I have the wall up?”

“Tobio, it can’t be...it can’t be healthy. You can’t keep the wall up all the time.”

Tobio snorted. What did Oikawa know about what it felt like to have the wall up? What did he know of the emptiness, of how it felt  _ wrong _ and how there were days he was just so worn out?

“I think I would know what effect the wall had on me, Oikawa-san. And honestly, how dare you come in and ask me about this?”

“Look,” said Oikawa. “I know, okay? Iwaizumi and I...look. You met Takeru right?”

“Yes?”

“His mum is my sister. And her husband was an incredible asshole and we got her out of that situation, but he was also her soulmate and she had to have the wall up for a while. It...it made life really hard for her, in terms of mental health, and she told me....”

“Why do you care?!”

“I don’t know!” said Oikawa, angrily. “But the idea of you- were you playing at 50%? Does it impact your volleyball?”

“Is that all you care about?” asked Tobio, coldly. “Wait, of course it is. Why would you even be here if it wasn’t for that. You just want to make sure that when you won, you won fair and square.”

“No, Tobio-”

“Well, let me take that off your shoulders. It doesn’t impact my playing because thanks to you and Iwaizumi, I’ve had this wall up, blocking the bond, for almost two years. I’ve had time to adjust to its impacts, so don’t worry.”

“Tobio-chan, listen to me,” said Oikawa.

“No,” said Tobio. “I don’t have to, I don’t want to. How dare you?”

“Tobio, please,” Oikawa started, his eyes starting to look slightly desperate. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to come here to make you cry, Tobio.”

Tobio startled at that, realizing his eyes were wet.

“Get out.”

“Tobio-”

“Get out!” he yelled.

“Are you guys okay?” asked Hanamaki, having rushed in at the shouting.

“Get out, Oikawa-san. I don’t want to talk to you. Go away. Before I say something I will regret. Go.”

Oikawa looked like he was going to disagree, but Matsukawa came in, wiping his hands dry before yanking Oikawa towards the door.

“Sorry, Kageyama. We, um. We got the dishes done. We...we didn’t know what he wanted to say.”

“It’s fine,” said Tobio, even though he was looking at the floor.

“Do you have someone you can call?”

“Daichi-senpai is probably on his way,” said Tobio, robotically.

“Okay, do you need me or Hanamaki to stay till he goes? I feel really weird leaving you here crying, even if we don’t know each other.”

“It’s fine. You should...you should be with him.”

Matsukawa stared at Tobio for a moment, before his face softened a little.

“I’ll see you on the court, Kageyama.”

Tobio nodded, following behind Matsukawa to shut the door.

Once he was sure they were gone, Tobio angrily brushed away the tears. 

How dare Oikawa walk into his life again, like he just could? Like he and Iwaizumi had not broken Tobio in two? Like Tobio hadn’t looked at them for support and with stars and faith in his eyes, only to be trampled over, forgotten, left behind like a piece of trash no one wanted? How dare he come in and act like he  _ cared _ , when Tobio had spent  _ months _ feels like he was worthless, spent a year trying his hardest to be good at the one thing they shared so he could try to prove that he was of value to them, even if it was at volleyball?

Tobio knew, he knew he was good and he was kind and he was a good boy. He knew he was loved.

But at the end of the day, he had been left behind by two boys who had never even bothered to give him a chance, had not bothered to  _ try,  _ and even if he knew of all the good things in his life, he was still just a fifteen year old boy who just wanted to be liked.


	6. Hitorinbo Envy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!
> 
> I'm still struggling with my paper- last Friday I had a call with my prof and I need to redo my entire draft and restructure and I am so stressed out. I cannot wait for this to end. XD But slowly and steadily, I'll make my way through, I'm sure!!!
> 
> But! I have amazing news! I no longer need to use the "no beta we die like men" tag! I now have a beta- the amazing and brilliant MissKiraBlue (AO3 is at https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissKiraBlue/works). If you haven't read her stuff, you definitely should- she is an amazing writer and deserves all the love in the world. Go and give her some love!!
> 
> Anyway, here is the next chapter- I hope you like it and I cannot wait for your comments!!

_ Easily playing, never bat an eye _

_ Weeping and posing, another perfect alibi _

_ Every day lonely, I’d rather play a game _

_ Like a slow running stream of honey I crave _

_ Looking at you now, yes, and even you _

_ Was I unneeded? Was I just in the way, too? _

_ \- Hitorinbo Envy (JubyPhonic Cover) _

Tobio sat in the armchair he liked the most, the one closest to the kitchen, and pulled his knees up so he could curl into himself.

It had been a long time since he had last felt this empty. Now that he was sure that Oikawa was no longer near his home, he slowly let the wall down, closing his eyes. 

It wasn’t common to be able to “see” the bond but Tobio’s family had, for generations, been particularly sensitive to bonds. His father had always been able to tell when his mother was sad or happy, if she was very far away, and on the occasional weird day, what she felt like eating. 

Most people felt the bond in slightly more abstract terms- they would feel warmth from the bond, which would be associated with comfort and happiness or searing heat which always came down to anger.

Tobio had never felt anything particular through the bond, most likely because he had had the wall up for so long. The day of the rejection was a blur, and Tobio didn’t like thinking too much about it, preferring to leave the past in the past and try his best to look forward, towards the future.

This was the first time since the rejection- the first time in his entire life- that he was actively trying to see it. The bond was still golden and oddly comforting, which was an odd feeling. He figured it was probably the presence of the bond that made his brain associate it with comfort rather than the people it linked him to. It was weird, his father said that he hadn’t been able to “see” the bond in color since Tobio’s mother had left- why was it that Tobio still could?

He took a deep breath.

Even if he could see it, even if it was strange, it didn’t matter. 

If nothing else, he could take comfort from the bright gold river that flowed between them, ebbing and blending in with Tobio’s heart beat, the faint sound of something that couldn’t be heard by human ears.

Tobio was startled out of his thoughts by a sudden knock at the door. He looked at it and took a deep breath, standing up from his chair and then rushed to open the door, seeing Daichi standing outside.

It was odd seeing Daichi in something other than the school uniform. 

“Am I late?”

Tobio’s lips quirked up slightly, but he knew from Daichi’s expression and the way his shoulders sagged, he wasn’t doing a good job soothing his concern.

“They left a little while back,” he answered.

“Kageyama, are you-” started Daichi, clearly taking in the slight puffiness of Tobio’s eyes, how they were slightly red, the way he was trying not to sniffle. 

“I’m going to murder him,” Daichi murmured. Tobio could tell that he was trying to keep his voice steady, but regardless, the undercurrent of frustrated annoyance was clear as day.

Tobio moved out of the way to let Daichi in, taking in his captain’s expression, the way his shoulders were stiff. Daichi had always seemed far more mature than the other third years, in an odd way. It wasn’t that Sugawara or Asahi were immature, but more that Daichi had the sort of presence that made you alert but also calmed you. Right now, Daichi felt not just mature but also dependable- like the rock that Tobio needed him to be.

“Did he come alone?”

“No, he brought Hanamaki-san and Matsukawa-san with him.”

Daichi frowned, head tilted slightly. The expression on Daichi’s face was one that Tobio had only ever seen on the court- sharp, evaluative and solid. “Not Iwaizumi?”

Tobio had found that weird as well, the fact that Iwaizumi didn’t stand there just being with Oikawa the way he often was. Tobio had always seen Oikawa and Iwaizumi as a package deal- in fact, he would be surprised if anyone really thought of them as anything but.

And yet, seeing Oikawa in his home without Iwaizumi behind him felt unsettling- not because it wasn’t right...but because it was the first time Tobio had actually looked at Oikawa as an independent being. Tobio looked up to Oikawa in a lot of ways, considered him the better setter, but he always, at the back of his mind, assumed Iwaizumi was somewhere nearby. 

“Do you want anything to eat? I think we still have udon left,” said Tobio. Tobio had never been able to stand under the sharp focus of any of the volleyball players he knew. Hinata’s serious expression made him thankful it wasn’t focused on him. Oikawa’s focus made him itchy, like Tobio knew something was going to go wrong, and it was probably going to be him who suffered for it. Daichi’s expression, though, reminded him a little too much of Iwaizumi, from back when his ex-senpai still cared about Tobio’s welfare. Back when Iwaizumi always took the time to ruffle Tobio’s hair a little when he had a good practice or the way he watched Tobio when Oikawa was in a mood.

Tobio didn’t mind it, but the feeling still left him nostalgic, like something was missing, deep in his bones- like there was a space here that was supposed to be filled by a person that would never be his.

“Nah, we just ate back home, that’s why I was late. Are you okay?” asked Daichi. The expression from earlier still hadn’t gone away, and Tobio didn’t know how to make it go away. 

Daichi was obviously worried about him- it was something Tobio was grateful for. And yet, being the focus of Suga and Daichi’s attention always made him miss something he never had, something he had once thought could have been his, but never would be.

It was a feeling he didn’t know how to explain. Instead, Tobio focused on how he could explain how he felt. 

“I...I was angry.”

It was the closest Tobio could come to explaining the emptiness in his chest, the sudden flare of cold fire in his chest and the tears that he couldn’t control. How do you describe the feeling of forgetting that your soulmate didn’t actually care about you? How do you explain the loneliness that comes with that? 

How could he put into words how he had settled into that loneliness, accepting that this was what his life would be now, and had that acceptance questioned time and time again, every time Oikawa deemed Tobio worthy of his time?

How could he put into words how he was knowingly and unwillingly setting himself up for disappointment?

“Past tense?”

“I don’t know why he wanted to talk to me. He just...He started talking to me about the wall, about how it was bad for me. And then he asked if it influenced my volleyball skills.”

Daichi watched Tobio as he took a seat, his eyes serious. The expression from earlier was finally gone. The air in the room now felt more familiar, the way Tobio felt in the presence of his captain and vice-captain before a game or after a practice. 

It was oddly jarring, in a way, to notice the differences between Suga and Daichi. The two oddly felt like they belonged beside each other and that somehow made their differences more clear, more vivid. While Tobio felt like Suga was more maternal, and in a way, more likely to work himself up in a protective tizzy, Daichi was more of the sort that listened and told you not what you wanted to hear, but rather what he thought you needed to.

If Suga was the one in his living room, Tobio had no doubt he would have worked himself into a protective anger that involved dissing the hell out of Oikawa. But at the end of the day, Tobio didn’t actually want to hear his soulmates being badmouthed- even if they had hurt him, they were his soulmates and dissing them wasn’t going to help the situation.

Learning how to handle his own reaction to them, however, would.

Tobio disliked how much power Oikawa had over him. Not in terms of volleyball- if anything, that was oddly the space he enjoyed their power dynamic, he enjoyed the borderline rivalry they had, the way that Oikawa pushed him to be better while Tobio, without meaning to, pushed Oikawa to be better. It was similar to his rivalry with Hinata, but with stronger undertones, a longer history, and probably between two people who were actually, in a way, comparable. Hinata pushed Tobio to be a better teammate, Oikawa pushed him to be a better setter. 

However, what Tobio did hate was the emotional tug of war between them. 

He wasn’t sure why he had never felt that with Iwaizumi- Oikawa and Tobio had a more...passionate struggle between them, but Iwaizumi seemed to be the calm surface of a river. 

Iwaizumi respected his own decision to cast Tobio aside. Oikawa seemed to struggle with it in a way that Tobio felt like he could never understand. It felt like Oikawa lacked any sense of respect for Tobio...not that Iwaizumi held any, as far as Tobio knew. But Iwaizumi seemed to know that he had ended that road, had closed it off years ago, and intended to stand by that decision. Oikawa seemed to not understand how to do that or how to ignore Tobio.

And yet.

And yet, Tobio didn’t know if he actually wanted Oikawa to ignore him, forget him, or leave him behind, once and for all. 

“Kageyama,” said Daichi, seeming to have thought his own response through. “I know you look at me, Suga, and Asahi, and probably feel like we have all the answers in the world. Like we know what we’re doing, like we know where we’re going. Like we’re actual adults.”

Tobio tilted his head slightly, listening intently.

“I don’t know Oikawa. If anything, knowing what he did to you, part of me doesn’t particularly want to. But at the end of the day, even if you don’t refer to him as your senpai, you treat him as one, and he treats you as a kohai. Even if he doesn’t like to state it out loud.”

Daichi leaned forward, looking at Tobio like he was trying to figure out if his words had upset him in any way. Tobio didn’t know how to tell Daichi that the reason he had called him was because he needed someone rational and straightforward to tell him what to do, what to be.

“You look at him like he has the answers, Kageyama,” said Daichi, an oddly understanding expression on his face, like Daichi understood what that was like. “But the thing is, when it comes to this, the whole soulmate thing, you probably understand more than him. And additionally, you might think he has the answers, that he knows himself, but none of us really do. We’re all good at pretending that we have it together in front of our kohai, but the truth is, Kageyama, we’re all a confused mess, just like you might feel on some days.”

Tobio watched Daichi lean back again, thinking the words through. Daichi wasn’t defending Oikawa, but at the same time, he wasn’t stating his actions were anything to stand behind. Daichi was trying to explain to him that maybe-

“You might not notice, but I don’t think Oikawa knows what he’s doing. I hate the fact that he has to drag you into it before he knows what he wants, but sometimes, words don’t come out right. For people like me and you, and maybe even Oikawa, words are harder. It’s easier to show what we mean through our actions than it is to explain them. You don’t need to forgive him. You don’t need to accept him. But if he went out of his way to come here, and even let Hanamaki and Matsukawa tag along, he was trying to say something. But it just didn’t come out the way he had planned.”

Daichi had a point there. Oikawa could have, very easily, just ditched Matsukawa and Hanamaki, neither of whom actually knew where Tobio lived. In fact, the simple fact that Oikawa knew where he lived was suspicious at best- he had never visited Tobio or dropped him off, so there was no reason for him to know where he lived.

“You don’t have to think about it or make excuses for him,” said Daichi, his eyes clear and focused on Tobio. “Personally, I think he doesn’t deserve to have you excusing his behaviour, but at the end of that day, that is your decision and I won’t make it for you. Nor do you have to make it today.”

Tobio nodded, looking at his knees for a moment, before glancing back up.

“Could we...could we maybe talk about something else?”

“Of course,” said Daichi, and Tobio listened to Daichi talk about his plans for their training as he pulled out two ramune bottles for them to drink.

“Oh, when was this taken?” asked Daichi, focusing on a picture on the wall. 

It was of Tobio when he was in elementary school, when his mother was still with them, as well as his grandfather. They were all standing in front of the same house Daichi and Tobio were in right now. It had been the day his parents moved into this house, having bought it and renovated it for a year or so. Touya had kept that picture up even though he purposely never looked at it in front of Tobio.

Tobio knew the reason that the picture was still up was to remind him that he had a mother- somewhere out there, in the world, was the woman who had given birth to him. 

“Do you...do you talk to her?” asked Daichi, like he was testing out if this was a topic he could ask for. 

Tobio wondered, for a moment, if this was what having a team was supposed to be like. If it was supposed to be people who cared about you, the way that his team did. If it was supposed to be bright smiles, hands on your back, loud chatter and quiet, cautious questions.

“No,” said Tobio. “I think it was too difficult for her to be here. It hurt too much.”

Daichi took the drink from his hand, sitting down and watching Tobio, like he was waiting to see if Tobio would continue or not.

Tobio hadn’t spoken about his mother since she had left. 

He hadn’t actively thought about what it meant to not have a mother since he was rejected by his soulmates. It wasn’t something Tobio thought a lot about- not because he hated her, but because there was nothing he could do about the quiet acceptance at the base of his chest, the understanding that adults were complicated and sometimes life didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

Tobio, of all people, knew that very well. 

He had hoped for even just a platonic soulbond, but instead, he was left with a wall and the gentle hush of a golden bond that he could never, ever solidify.

Perhaps. Perhaps it was time to talk about his mother.

\---

_ Kawata Shizuko first saw Kageyama Touya in her second year of college. He was sitting in the back row, clearly half asleep, as were most people in the 8 am class. He was sipping on his coffee while reading something he had printed out, occasionally running his hand through his hair to get it out of his eyes. _

_ Kawata Shizuko couldn’t help but want to talk to him, even though she had always been shy and kept to herself when it came to new people. _

_ Through some insane turn of events, Shizuko ended up working on a project for that class with Touya. _

_ It wasn’t long before their bond snapped into focus and both of them realized what had happened. _

_ While Shizuko had always been told, growing up, that once she met her soulmate, it was a done deal and she would get married, Touya was a little more of a romantic. Over the next 3 years, the two did everything a couple would do- the movies, the dates, the random drives out to onsens in the middle of nowhere. _

_ Touya wanted to invest into the relationship, into the bond, and Shizuko couldn’t help but agree. She loved this man with every fiber of her being, she wanted to marry him, have kids with him, fill their home with children so that she could listen to them patter around the house. _

_ She had always been a quiet child- she was the only child in her family and her parents had rarely been around. She hadn’t been neglected and she hadn’t been sad- all she had from that period of her life was a desire to have a large family so that no child of hers would ever have to feel lonely. _

_ Her 3 year romance with Touya had been a point of chatter for everyone in their circle- they had been known as the cutest couple anyone knew, the most well balanced. _

_ Everything had been perfect. They got married a year after they graduated to give them time to settle into Touya’s father’s home and their new jobs. They went on vacation to Jeju for their honeymoon.  _

_ They were living on cloud 9. _

_ And then Shizuko got pregnant with her first child.  _

_ Touya and Shizuko were over the moon, getting ready for a life with their new child, a life that Shizuko had always wanted. _

_ And then, when the time came, after she had given birth to their son, Kageyama Tobio, the doctors told them the news. _

_ That was the day Shizuko’s life fell apart. _

_ And it was the day Touya lost the love of his life. _

\---

“Ever since she was young,” said Tobio, “My mother wanted a house full of children. I think when she was younger, she felt a little lonely, so she wanted lots of children so that none of the kids would feel alone. It was...it was her dream.”

Touya, of course, didn’t know that Tobio knew that- that Tobio knew and understood why his mother left. He tried to protect Tobio from what had happened, because Touya’s biggest fear was that Tobio would feel like his mother didn’t love him and that was why she left.

Neither of his parents ever noticed him standing in the hallway near their room as they were screaming at each other. 

_ This is all your fault Touya! _

_ How is it my fault? How is it anyone’s fault? Does it even matter? Why can’t we be happy with what we have? _

_ You took this away from me! _

“There wasn’t a day when they weren’t yelling at each other, especially after we had moved out of my grandfather’s house and into this one,” said Tobio, his eyes still on the frame. “There were complications when I was born, and my mother was told she wouldn’t be able to have any more children. I think...I think my mother felt like it was my father’s fault. Or maybe she thought it was mine, but she loved me too much to bear the idea of blaming the one child she did have.”

Distantly, Tobio heard the sharp intake of Daichi’s breath.

“She slowly grew to hate my father. I watched them slowly change, from loving each other to hating each other. She had decided that my father couldn’t possibly be her soulmate if all she got from it was misery, because like all of us, she had been told that soulmates were your ever after, like a fairy tale. So instead, she started trying to find it from people outside, dating other men, desperately trying to convince herself that her  _ real _ soulmate was someone else.”

Tobio’s lips curled into a slightly sardonic smile, as he looked away from the frame. 

“My father pretended it wasn’t happening, throwing himself into his work. They tried to pretend for my sake, but I can’t remember a time either of them came to my volleyball games. More often than not, my granddad came to my games, and I spent more time with him than I did with my parents. I...I don’t think I really understood at the time what was happening. I remember feeling a little lonely, but that wasn’t only because of my parents,” said Tobio. 

This felt like the most he had said in a long time, the most he had said to Daichi for sure. But Daichi sort of felt like the dad of their team, and Tobio didn’t like the idea of keeping away parts of himself if the people around him would actually treasure it instead of holding it against him.

“All I wanted, in my loneliness, was to keep playing volleyball. It was the only place I had where I could actually communicate with children my own age, the only place I felt like I could actually belong. I think part of me, outside the court, always felt like the unnecessary part of every group, the unneeded one, the one that was always in the way.”

It had felt like that with his parents, and his mother had left. It had felt like that with Kindaichi and Kunimi, and they had left. It had felt like that with Oikawa and Iwaizumi, and they had rejected him.

It was like he was never meant to be happy, never meant to belong, a phantom that simply followed along, trying to be a human, but everyone kept looking at him and seeing through him, like he wasn’t real.

He worked hard to be a setter worth a team’s effort and he was called a genius, like all those years of practice were nothing.

He tried to push people to their limits, to be better like he had seen Oikawa do, and was punished for it.

He tried to earn trust, and in return, was discarded.

He had watched other children go shopping with their parents, watched mothers pull their children into hugs, fathers carry them around, and all Tobio had was his grandfather and a volleyball.

He had his grandfather and his volleyball, and was still greedy, still ungrateful. Tobio remembered thinking he was the reason, he was at fault, he had been a bad boy for wanting more than what he actually deserved.

Perhaps this was what he was meant to face, this was what his life was meant to be.

Tobio, at 15, knew better. 

But Tobio, at 10, 11, 12, did not. 

10 year old Tobio was convinced that it was all his fault, that he had to be better- maybe he shouldn’t speak, maybe he should be silent, maybe he should try not to reach out. Maybe that way, someone would care about him, someone would notice something was wrong.

“I don’t think my mother meant to make me feel like I was unneeded. If anything, I think the reason she stayed as long as she did was because she loved me. But she was hurting, every glimpse of me and my father was a reminder of what she had lost. Every glimpse of her was a reminder to my father about what he was losing. I was just unfortunately in between, dealing with my own life without them.”

“You’re not alone anymore,” said Daichi, his eyes focused on Tobio- understanding and kind. “You have us. And that group of weirdos from the Tokyo camp. Apparently Yaku liked you.”

Tobio smiled nodding, eyes refocusing on Daichi.

“I know that now. I know what it means to be cared for, to be in a team. After my mother left and my grandfather passed away, I think my father realized that I had grown up right in front of him and he had never realized. And we got closer and closer- he still works a lot but I know he’s trying and I don’t really need more than what I get. I have our team to support me, I trust you and they’re starting to trust me,” said Tobio, his voice soft and almost surprised, like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to have this, keep this.

“They do,” said Daichi, nodding. “Even Tsukishima, with all his salt and crabbiness, trust you on and off the court. We all trust you and we all care about you. I’m glad...I know none of us- except maybe Noya and Hinata- are particularly good at showing how much we appreciate the others in our team. We tend to take it for granted. But I’m glad you’ve understood that we feel that. That we care and always will.”

Tobio looked down to hide the slight flush in his cheeks, Daichi reaching out for a moment, pausing, before ruffling his hair a little. Tobio felt a pang in his chest, suppressing the memory of a different hand, a small smirk and a soft chuckle.

“Do you miss her?” Daichi asked, but Tobio could hear the second, underlying question- the quiet concern about whether Tobio blamed his mother, if he hated her for leaving, if he was still sad about not having a mother.

“I don’t blame her. Nor do I really miss her, I’m happy with my Dad and I don’t think I need more. It would be nice if my father was able to go out and date again, let her go for real and not wait for her in a house that has just as many bad memories as good. But I understand the desire to leave and never look back. My dad doesn’t know who my soulmates are- if he did, Oikawa-san wouldn’t be anywhere near my house- but when I told him to teach me about the wall, after I had calmed down, he asked me if I wanted to leave- leave Miyagi, leave Japan and never turn back,” Tobio said, with a shrug. “But I’ve never been good at letting things go, never been good at leaving things unresolved. I couldn’t do that- I think back then I still hoped it was a misunderstanding.”

Tobio was more of a realistic person than an optimist. Hinata was the optimist, Tsukishima was probably the pessimist. Tobio just sort of understood that sometimes things didn’t work out, real life never worked the way it did in the movies. And that was okay. Tobio was happy with what he had, and that was what really mattered in the end.

Just because Tobio had been rejected by his soulmates didn’t mean he couldn’t have his happy ending. 

He could go and be a professional volleyball player with or without Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

Logically, he knew this.

But sometimes, it was hard to make your heart understand what your mind knows.


	7. Mercury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! ヾ(＠⌒▽⌒＠)ﾉ
> 
> SO! My draft has finally been semi-approved so now I have only a few edits to do and then I have to go interact with other professors a bit about it before my presentation, BUT. IT'S ALMOST DONE. THIS VERSION WAS OKAY'D. OH MY GOD THE RELIEF. THE JOY. AGH.
> 
> So to celebrate this, I decided to post the next chapter! I do hope you guys like it, and I look forward to your comments, as always! 
> 
> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Thanks again to MissKiraBlue for her amazing beta skills and for helping me put this chapter together!
> 
> ALSO. OH MY GOD. I AM ALMOST AT 10K HITS AND GUYS, WE ARE SLOWLY GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER TO 1000 KUDOS? I am so so glad you guys are liking the fic! It makes me so so happy! (●´ω｀●)
> 
> Iwa-chan isn't here yet, but who knows, maybe he'll appear soon. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

_ No one can unring this bell _

_ Unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new _

_ God knows, I am dissonance _

_ Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune _

_ \- Mercury by Sleeping At Last _

“He shouldn’t have said that,” Haiji said. “I dunno why I get the feeling that wasn’t what he meant to say though.”

“Well, he should have come better prepared then,” Kageyama huffed, slightly pouting at the screen. He was having a video call with Haiji, who was helping Tobio do his homework as he did his college reading. 

Tobio’s room was a little bit of a mess, since he had packed half of his stuff for their next camp at Tokyo.

“Of course,” Haiji said, with a shrug, frowning slightly at his book. “Ideally, if he rejected you, he should be staying away from you to begin with. He seems oddly focused on you for someone who rejected you.”

Tobio didn’t particularly feel like that was odd, given the odd rivalry-respect they had between them, but he didn’t know how to put that into words.

“I mean, he seems to see you as a threat, from what you’ve said. And you look up to him, as much as you hate it. But regardless, his behaviour is odd, and I don’t even know the guy.”

“Hmm,” Tobio said. “I’ve just been ignoring it, though. He hasn’t tried to contact me, which is good.”

“Probably yeah. You have better things to focus on,” Haiji said. “Have you finished that answer? Read it out to me.”

Tobio nodded, carefully reading out his answering the question out loud.

Working like this was really useful, because Tobio found it easier to understand Haiji’s explanations of topics. It was easy to forget how tightly wound up Tobio felt when he was listening to Haiji explain his work to him, easy to ignore the jitters when he looked at Haiji’s understanding smile.

He was grateful that he didn’t need to put that into words with Haiji- like Hinata, he seemed to intuitively know what Tobio meant without needing Tobio to say it. 

Somewhere behind Haiji, he heard loud yelling and laughter. Haiji sighed, shaking his head slightly.

“Sorry Tobio, it looks like I’m going to have to go. Have fun with your camp, let me know if you make any friends,” Haiji said, glancing off screen for a moment. “And call me if you need to talk okay?”

Tobio nodded.

“I’m going to go for a quick run to the groceries anyway,” he said, with a shrug. He wanted to get some snacks to keep with him for the camp, since he knew that when he was practicing, there was a high chance of him forgetting to eat.

It was one thing to forget to eat himself, but Tobio didn’t think he could forgive himself if he ended up with Yachi skipping her dinner to practice with him. She had been staying back after practices with him, helping him work on his toss every day. Tobio had told her that she didn’t need to stay, that he felt a little uncomfortable letting Yachi walk home alone in the dark just so he could practice. 

Yachi always waved his concern away, eager to help him work on the toss, excited by the idea of him getting the toss right even if the process was boring. It couldn’t possibly be interesting for Yachi to just keep tossing balls at Tobio, and yet she did it nonetheless.

Thankfully, Tobio had convinced her that he could drop her home after practice. His dad had agreed it was probably a good idea, even though the streets of Miyagi weren’t necessarily unsafe. But Tobio had seen Yachi and how she worked herself up into mild hysteria over much safer situations, and so the idea of her being scared on the way home didn’t feel right.

Yachi was spending a lot of time with Tobio to make sure this worked out. The least Tobio could do was make sure she didn’t accidentally starve herself because of Tobio’s tendency to laser focus on volleyball.

“Make sure to stay safe, Tobio. And take care of Yacchan! Don’t make her stay up too late for your practice,” Haiji said, before they said their goodbyes.

Tobio made his way towards the door, making sure to leave a note for his father in case he came back early from his outing with the rest of the Neighborhood Committee. Touya had befriended them in the few times he had joined Tobio in his practice sessions, and had been invited out for some beers.

Tobio was glad his father was making some friends. After his mother had left, Touya had all but reconstructed his life around his son and his work. If he wasn’t working, he was spending time with his son.

Tobio knew it had to be lonely for his father, and part of him wanted his father to go out and make friends, maybe even date again. Touya never seemed unhappy, but Tobio knew how lonely life was when your soulmates rejected you, he knew how that felt and how lonely he had felt even with people he had thought of as his friends. 

Tobio started the walk to the nearby konbini. He knew they were close to running out of milk, but he was going to be gone for a few days and his father drank his coffee and tea black, so there was no real reason to buy any more. 

He was lost in his own thoughts, silently making a list of things that he should probably keep in the fridge. He had already stocked the fridge up with some food for his father to heat up when he was gone.

“Well well well!” a voice came behind him. “Tobio-chan!”

Tobio froze, turning around to glare at Oikawa. This time, unfortunately he seemed to be alone, no Hanamaki or Matsukawa in sight. Iwaizumi didn’t seem to be with him either, which probably meant that Oikawa was practicing late again.

“Oikawa-san,” he said, before turning around to walk away.

“Now now, Tobio-chan! Is that any way to treat your favorite senpai?” Oikawa said, easily keeping pace and throwing his arm around Tobio’s shoulder with the ease of someone who had known him for years. Tobio tried to brush him off but he could tell that Oikawa was in the mood to be sticky. 

In other words, there was nothing he could do to make him go away till the time he wanted to go away.

“You’re not my favorite senpai,” Tobio said. Silently, he cursed himself, because what he should have said was ‘You’re not my senpai’ and left it at that.

“Oh, is it Iwa-chan then?” Oikawa crooned, his voice only slightly darker than before.

“Daichi-senpai,” Tobio said. “And Suga-senpai. I like them.”

“Is that so?” Oikawa said, his voice now tight in a way that made Tobio uneasy. That tone of voice was usually followed with Tobio’s general misfortune and he really didn’t want to be anywhere near Oikawa for that.

“Shouldn’t you go home, Oikawa-san?” he asked, trying to make the taller boy leave him alone. 

“I can’t let Tobio-chan roam around alone in the dark!” Oikawa said, mockingly aghast. “Don’t you know that cute boys like you could get hurt?”

Tobio scowled slightly at that. He wasn’t cute. He knew, just from experience with Haiji, that there was no point saying so. He just silently kept walking. 

“So Tobio-chan,” Oikawa said, after a few seconds of awkward silence. “Why are you out and about so late at night anyway?”

“Picking up snacks for me and Yachi,” Tobio said. He didn’t know why he was sitting and playing question-answer with Oikawa, but it was just… he didn’t want to answer, but he couldn't help it. 

“Oh?” said Oikawa, raising a brow. His voice was mildly interested but Tobio knew better than to take that tone at face value. He wasn’t going to like what was said next. “Does Tobio-chan have a girlfriend?”

“She’s not-” Tobio started, scowling slightly. He didn’t know why everyone kept thinking Yachi was dating him, but it wasn’t true.

“Does she know that you know your soulmates, Tobio?” Oikawa asked, a smile still in place. “Because it’s not nice to lead girls on.”

“It’s not nice to lead boys on either, Oikawa-san,” Tobio said, before immediately cursing himself. He shouldn’t have said that- he was just opening himself up for more mockery, more teasing. Oikawa didn’t need to have even a slight hint of the effect he had on Tobio. Nothing good could ever come of that.

“I know,” Oikawa said, his tone changing immediately. His voice was gentler, like he was regretting something. “I know, I’ve not been particularly fair about any of this, have I Tobio?”

Oikawa’s arm was still draped along his shoulders, his fingers playing with the collar of Tobio’s shirt, making him feel underdressed.  _ No _ , Tobio thought to himself, hoping that Oikawa couldn’t feel the way Tobio’s heart had sped up.  _ You’re not being fair at all. _

“I made a complete mess of our discussion the other day. I didn’t know how to say it.”

“Say what?” Tobio asked, stiffly.

“Tobio,” Oikawa said softly. “My sister kept the wall up for years and almost ended up in the hospital. Iwaizumi and I have been very selfish, making you keep your wall up for so long.”

“It’s-”

“And no matter how annoying I find you, the idea of actual harm coming to you...the idea of seeing you on the hospital bed instead of my sister just left me...unsettled.”

Oikawa’s fingers were still playing with the collar of Tobio’s shirt, but had now pulled him a little closer. There was very little space between them now, making Tobio very aware of the warmth of Oikawa’s body. 

Tobio knew he needed to pull away a little, put up that space.

“Excuse me!” a female voice spoke close to them. Tobio turned to see a woman a little older than Oikawa hurriedly walking towards them, her eyes wide and frightened.

“I’m so sorry, I just,” the woman started, breathing heavily. She stole a glance behind her back and then turned towards them yet again, clutching her purse.

“Is something wrong?” Oikawa asked. It wasn’t till this moment that Tobio realized how relaxed Oikawa had felt against him. Now he had stiffened up slightly, like he had sensed something was about to go wrong.

The woman had a soft voice, she was nearly whispering, “I’m really sorry, but there’s this man who’s been following me for a while,” started the woman, breathing heavily. Tobio could tell she was frightened and without overtly looking behind her, he noticed a shadow of a man nearby. He seemed like an older man, much older than the woman with them, and far larger.

As far as Tobio could tell, from where he was standing, the man had positioned himself in a way that he could listen to them and watch them without fully facing them or stepping out of the shadows.

The man didn’t seem to have any intention of moving.

“Nee-chan!” Tobio whined loudly, grasping at her arm- lightly enough to not startle her and obviously enough that the man in the shadows would notice. “You took your time! I told you I wanted to go to get food!”

Oikawa immediately smiled at the woman before ruffling Tobio’s hair, clearly playing along. Though the woman seemed to stiffen slightly at the initial gentle touch, she relaxed after a second, stepping closer to Tobio and Oikawa so that her left arm was pressed against Tobio’s. 

“Now now,” Oikawa said. “Your nee-chan managed to find us regardless. Let’s go.”

“But she always comes late,” Tobio whined, pouting slightly. Oikawa’s expression shifted slightly, eyes sharper and more focused on Tobio.

“Don’t be a brat, Tobio-chan,” Oikawa said, raising a brow. “Pouting at me and being cute doesn’t mean you can be mean to you nee-chan.”

Tobio blushed brightly looking away from Oikawa, because that didn’t feel like the teasing Oikawa usually put Tobio through. It felt...it felt different.

“It’s okay,” the woman murmured, tittering slightly, clearly trying to get into the role. “I promised him I would get him some snacks and forgot to yesterday.” 

They began to walk down the street, Tobio was careful not to look behind too many times.

“Where do you need us to drop you?” Oikawa asked softly, quietly enough that the man wouldn’t hear. Tobio could still hear footsteps behind them and it was making him nervous- and he wasn’t even the one the man seemed to be following. 

“My place is a couple streets down,” she said quietly. Oikawa nodded seriously, and they continued down the street. Behind them, Tobio could hear the footsteps speed up a bit, frightening him a little.

“This is what we’ll do,” Oikawa said, his voice as quiet as a whisper, so that only the woman and Tobio could hear him. “Tobio-chan, you said you were getting snacks. We’ll go to the store, and then spend some time there before we drop you home, okay?”

The woman nodded slightly, the action subtle enough that the man behind them wouldn’t notice.

Oikawa calmly chattered, loudly enough for the man behind them to hear. He slipped from topic to topic, enough that Tobio was able to distract himself a little from the way his hands were shaking.

Like he had noticed, Oikawa slipped his hand into Tobio’s, startling Tobio a little. He didn’t know why Oikawa was doing this, trying to comfort him with gentle movements of his thumb against his hand. Finally, they got to the konbini, greeting the cashier.

“What do you need to get?” Oikawa asked, hand still holding Tobio’s firmly.

“Um, Yachi liked Fugashi, so I thought I would get some of those. And maybe something else? In case I skip dinner.”

“Oh, why would you skip dinner?” the lady asked, following them into the aisle. Tobio glanced towards the window subtly and the man was outside, watching them. It sent chills down his spine.

“I have a volleyball camp tomorrow,” Tobio said. “In Tokyo. Some other schools are going to be there and we’re going to train together.”

“What!” Oikawa yelped, aghast. “Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this?”

“Why would I tell you?” Tobio snarked, grabbing two packs of fugashi to put in the basket Oikawa had grabbed.

“Tobio-chan,” Oikawa whined, making the woman giggle slightly. Tobio glanced at her questioningly.

“Sorry sorry,” she said, grinning at both of them. “It’s just really cute. It’s nice to see people who have managed to meet their soulmates so young.”

“Oh,” Tobio started, immediately about to deny it, ignoring the rush of cold through his body. It felt like the only warm part of his body was his hand, the hand that Oikawa had firmly in his grip.

“Thank you,” Oikawa said, with a smile. “Tobio-chan really is too good for me.”

Tobio turned to stare at him- one part of him was surprised that Oikawa would even agree that Tobio was his soulmate, while the other was suspicious. 

What was Oikawa up to? What did he want?

“When did you guys meet, if you don’t mind me asking?” the woman asked, her face bright and excited. 

“I was Tobio’s captain, we were in the same volleyball team. He’s...very hard to ignore,” Oikawa said easily, making his way through the shop. “Hey Tobio-chan, you like this snack right? Here.”

Tobio nodded, body slightly stiff. He wasn’t angry- how could he be when Oikawa was focused on him like this, holding his hand, acting like they were soulmates.

“Here, it’s my treat,” the woman said, pulling out her wallet to pay for Tobio’s snacks. “As a thank you for helping me out!”

After that, once they were sure the man had gone away, Oikawa and Tobio walked the lady home. They stood outside her building for a moment, the air feeling oddly tense and awkward.

Tobio tugged on his hand a little, and Oikawa finally let him go. It was difficult to ignore how cold his hand felt, but this was how things had to be.

_ This was how it had to be. _

“So what is this about a training camp?” Oikawa asked, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Come on Tobio-chan, it’s late. I’ll walk you home. Tell me about your camp.”

Tobio opened his mouth to refuse the walk home, but then he remembered the way the man had watched them. It left him unsettled, afraid, slightly adrift. He hoped the lady they had walked home was doing better than him. 

Tobio nodded to Oikawa, walking near him- close enough that he was certain Oikawa was with him, but not too close.

“Karasuno apparently has a history of rivalry with Nekoma,” Tobio said, shrugging slightly. The story of joining the camp wasn't particularly interesting. “We had a practice match with them once, they’re very good. And then they invited us to their camp with Fukurodani and two other schools.”

“I want to go to a camp,” Oikawa grumbled, a slight whine apparent in his voice. “But the only people we would probably train with is stupid Ushiwaka and I refuse to be anywhere near him.”

Tobio’s mind flashed back to the time they had bumped into Ushijima Wakatoshi (“JAPAN” as Hinata called him) and his serious expression, and his slightly insulting words.

“I’ve met him before,” Tobio said, startling Oikawa.

“What!” Oikawa screeched, making Tobio hush him urgently, glancing at the houses they were passing to make sure they weren’t bothering anyone. “Tobio-chan, you didn’t tell me! What did he want? Why were you talking to him?” 

Oikawa grabbed Tobio’s arm, tugging lightly, his eyes wide as he said, “Did he mention me?”

_ Why was that so important? _

“Hinata and I got lost when we were racing each other, and we bumped into him. We asked if we could see his school and he agreed. Said they weren’t going to get worse just because we were watching them practice. And then he talked about you,” Tobio said, eying Oikawa with mild concern. Oikawa was clearly working himself up. At this point, it would be better for Tobio to drop Oikawa rather than the other way around.

“Of course he did!” Oikawa snarled. “Did he talk about how I should have joined Shiratorizawa and that I was wasting my time at Seijoh?”

“Yes,” Tobio replied honestly. There was no need to deny it- it seemed that this was a common thread of conversation between the two captains.

“And?” Oikawa asked, mildly impatient. Tobio didn’t know what he wanted to hear, though, so he just went on with the story.

“Hinata told him we would defeat him and then we left,” Tobio said, knowing he wasn’t doing any justice to Hinata’s words that day or the look on Ushijima’s face.

“Tobio-chan!” Oikawa whined. “You were supposed to defend me!”

“Why would I do that?” Tobio asked, tilting his head slightly in confusion. “You can defend yourself just fine.”

“But you’re supposed to defend your-” Oikawa started, before stopping himself, realizing that he was about to take a step in a direction that he couldn’t take back. Tobio was grateful he stopped speaking. 

This evening of feeling like soulmates had been bad enough.

“You don’t need him to accept how good you are,” Tobio replied, his tone rather matter of fact. “And you don’t need me to tell him that.”

_ If only you understood what you are in my eyes. If only you could see yourself through my eyes- you’re a brilliant setter, and regardless of how far I run, I will always end up chasing you. Over and over, no matter what I do, you will always be my gold standard. Why can’t that be enough, why can’t you be happy with that, instead of greedily taking all of me, when you only throw me away?  _ Tobio thought, but didn’t have the courage to say. 

Oikawa was quiet for a short time while they were walking to Tobio’s house.

“Tobio,” Oikawa said, just as they reached his house. “Give me your number. You have a cellphone, right?”

“Yes?” Tobio said, not sure where this was going. Why would Oikawa want his number?

“Give me your number,” Oikawa repeated.

“What! No!” Tobio yelped, stepping away from Oikawa, ready to flee.

“Tobio, you know I’m not going to let you go in the house until you do,” Oikawa said. “What could you possibly be so worried about? I want to know what happens at your camp.”

“Go find someone else,” Tobio snapped, but Oikawa had already grabbed his arm, his grip gentle but firm as he yanked Tobio closer to him.

“Tobio,” Oikawa murmured, a little too close for Tobio’s comfort. Tobio stared at him wide eyed. “I promise I’m not up to anything.”

Tobio didn’t believe that for a second- why else would Oikawa be asking for his number and holding him so close? 

There was only one reason for it.

“You just want to have something to hold over me,” Tobio sniped back, tugging slightly to get his arm back. Oikawa wasn’t letting go, though. “Oikawa-san, please.”

“Tobio,” Oikawa murmured softly- too gentle, too soft, too sweet.

“You’re not being fair,” Tobio said, looking down, slightly upset, slightly unnerved.

“I’m sorry,” Oikawa said, his voice a whisper. “I know I am. But I need to do this, Tobio. So can you let me do this? Please?”

Tobio had always been weak to Oikawa- he knew this and so did Oikawa. He knew that Tobio would be willing to give him everything if he asked it in the right way. It was dangerous and worrisome, and a part of Tobio hated how Oikawa was the center of his entire world.

Slumping slightly, Tobio quietly recited his number.

“Thank you, Tobio,” Oikawa said, letting go of his arm. “I’ll message you when I get home. And don’t worry. We have just one more match right?”

Tobio nodded, his chest slightly cold. Oikawa was still being too kind, too sweet, feather soft touches and a sweet, genuine tilt of his lips. 

He hated it. He wanted it. 

It broke his heart. 

_ One more match. _

There was only one more match till his only remaining connection to Oikawa and Iwaizumi was completely and utterly shattered.

“Have fun at your camp, Tobio-chan,” Oikawa sang, and Tobio looked up to make eye contact. Oikawa’s tone was fond and slightly mocking, but his eyes seemed heavier, like he was thinking about something Tobio knew nothing about. “Make sure you make friends, okay? Someone other than that shrimp.”

Tobio nodded, moving to head in. Oikawa stood outside, waiting till Tobio had closed the door before he left.

Tobio sank to the floor once he got inside, sighing to himself.

His heart had no business beating this fast.

He really should know better than this. It was only a matter of time. The quiet peace of the evening would go away soon enough- like guitar strings pulled on too tight, ready to snap at any moment.


	8. The Art of Getting By

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!!!!
> 
> I finally finished my paper and the presentation, just waiting for the remarks from my profs! But it's finally done! Classes have started since and I'm enjoying this quarter a lot!
> 
> I hope all of you have been okay this past month! And I hope you like this chapter as well! I look forward to all your comments, it honestly makes my day to see you tell me what you liked in the fic! I've been planning the rest of the fic, but been a bit stuck on the coming chapter (Chap 9). It's been getting better though, I've slowly been writing more. Hopefully you'll enjoy what's to come as well!

_ Even the best of us get hurt sometimes _

_ Could be from life or love or "I don't know why" _

_ It's all out of our hands, nobody will ever understand _

_ Don't blame yourself and don't ask why _

_ That's the art of getting by _

_ \- The Art of Getting By by Laura Zocca _

Tobio was grateful that Daichi hadn’t made a big deal out of what was going on on when he had come to Tobio’s house. In fact, Tobio was pretty sure Daichi had decided not to say anything until Tobio himself mentioned it. 

After bumping into Oikawa the previous night, Tobio couldn’t deny that he needed some time to himself without the gentle and nurturing hands of his over-enthusiastic teammates. They all meant well, but were often a little too exuberant with their support for Tobio- it wasn’t something Tobio was used to but he was slowly getting more accustomed to it. 

Tobio had always been the sort of person who needed to take his time to sort of soak in what he was feeling, process it slowly, understand why he was feeling it. 

It took him time to understand. 

He needed time to understand why Oikawa was being the way he was, to understand why it affected him the way it did. 

Tobio had taken a seat in the back, near Ennoshita, one of the second years. He hadn’t had the chance to get too close to Ennoshita but he had always seemed like a fairly straight forward, level headed person. He had noticed that outside their club, he seemed to be the one that reigned in Tanaka and Nishinoya with the practiced ease of someone who was accustomed to the role.

In the early hours of the morning after- the morning after he had Oikawa so close to him, pulling him closer than he had the right to, gentle hands on his waist, his shoulder, his arms…

Tobio needed someone who didn’t want to make conversation, someone who wanted to sleep instead. 

He needed to focus on where he was going rather than on the phantom feeling on hands that were not his own, the gentle grip of a hand in his own, the hand of someone that could never ever be  _ his _ .

He knew Hinata would be quite literally vibrating- and given that they weren’t actually talking, even now, Tobio didn’t want to reach out for comfort when it wasn’t his time to.

It didn’t make it any less lonely.

_ I’ve not been particularly fair about any of this, have I Tobio? _

Tobio closed his eyes with a soft sigh, careful not to wake up any of the boys sleeping around him. 

_ None of this was fair at all.  _

But Tobio was used to that, wasn’t he? He was used to the fact that life wasn’t fair and sometimes, you just had to get by.

The fact of the matter was this- Tobio had always loved volleyball, it was something that had been given to him by his beloved grandfather, something that he was good at and loved playing. But every good thing had a bad side- and perhaps, for Tobio, that bad side was his soulmates and the rejection that followed so swiftly after their discovery.

He had been such a naive child, thinking that maybe there was a place for him between the spaces of Oikawa and Iwaizumi, that there was room for him to grow into their relationship. 

Now, though older and technically more wise, Tobio also knew that no matter how logical he was, no matter how much he knew that Oikawa Tooru was nothing but bad news for him…

He knew that he could never turn the older man away.

Oikawa had been the center of his world for so long- Tobio had always felt a little like Icarus, flying towards Oikawa, knowing fully well that his wings were made of wax and they were going to melt. 

And yet, he did it time and time again.

But at the end of the day, it was out of his hands- the feeling in his chest, the gentle thrumming of his heart around Oikawa, the phantom feeling of Iwaizumi’s hands- those were there to stay. They had been there since he had met them, and 2 years later, he still felt that way.

No one would ever understand why Tobio couldn’t let them go. In fact, Tobio didn’t think he himself truly understood it. Why wouldn’t he be able to let go of two men who had only ever caused him pain, tears, and self-doubt?

And then, Tobio thought of his empty home, the way he and his father were all but living with the ghost of a woman who had never died, living around her presence, refusing to leave the home, even if it would be good for both of them, healthy even.

Maybe Tobio, and to some extent, his father, had never quite learnt to let go.

\---

Tobio was practicing in one of the empty courts, Yachi tossing to him. It had been a long day, with match after match. Tobio was still unable to get his toss down, unable to keep it consistent, and it pissed him off to no end.

It was easy to forget Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime when he was practicing, but it was hard to not to think of the knowing, condescending smirk on Oikawa’s face every time Tobio failed to land the toss.

“Don’t mind, Kageyama-kun!” Yachi said, earnestly. “It’s definitely getting better!”

Tobio nodded, glaring at the volleyball in his hands. 

“Oh Kageyama-kun,” a voice spoke from the door. “You’re still practicing?”

“Yaku-san,” Tobio nodded, bowing slightly. 

Yaku smiled, stepping into the court. “Yachhan, you should go grab some dinner. I’ll practice with Kageyama-kun,” he said smiling at Yachi, who flushed pink. She was still getting used to the other teams, still fidgetted when the attention was on her, and yet, Yachi stood her ground, glancing at Tobio, unsure if she should leave him alone with Yaku. Tobio’s lips twitched into a slight smile, touched by her loyalty. It was touching- Yachi’s ability to stand by his side regardless of his taciturn nature and his inability to voice his true feelings into words most of the time.

“Go ahead and grab dinner, Yachi,” Tobio murmured, nodding at her. “Grab me some milk if you can.”

Yachi nodded, glancing at Yaku in a slightly distrustful manner, even though Yaku’s smile at her was soft, and easy-going.

“She’s really overprotective, isn’t she?” Yaku said, a small smile on his face, once Yachi was out of hearing range.

Tobio shrugged slightly- he wouldn’t say Yachi was overprotective, necessarily. She was just...Yachi. Tobio had never really had a female friend before- he had not had this many friends before Karasuno- so he didn’t really know how to put her behaviour into words.

“I’ll help you practice,” said Yaku, stretching slightly. “If anything, it’ll make sure that stupid Kuroo can’t drag me into practice with him and Bokuto. And Lev won’t come to bother me either.”

Tobio’s lips curled into a small smirk at that remark. The tall Russian seemed to be incredibly jumpy around Tobio, clearly going out of his way to avoid him with the same determination he followed Yaku around with.

“I thought you were friends,” said Tobio, tilting his head slightly, amused at the look of disbelief on Yaku’s face. He watched as Yaku’s face went from disbelief, horror and then realization.

Yaku burst into laughter, grinning at Tobio.

“You’ve got jokes,” said Yaku, hand on his stomach as he laughed. “I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

Tobio knew Yaku was fond of Lev because despite the loud annoyed rants at the Russian, he was sure Yaku would put an end to it if it went too far. It was sort of amusing to watch Lev follow Yaku around with the exuberance of a puppy.

It mirrored the way Tobio himself had followed Oikawa and Iwaizumi around, but here, Tobio could see that Yaku was trying to teach Lev, no matter how annoying Lev could be.

It reminded him that Oikawa’s behaviour in middle school wasn’t something that was excusable- even if Oikawa had found him irritating, he could have taken the path Lev and Yaku had, but he had chosen not to.

And really, that made all the difference.

Yaku spent another hour tossing to Tobio in silence, commenting here or there on something he had noticed that Tobio had instinctually changed. It was interesting, to have someone closely examine his tosses and break them down like that- to see his instincts broken down so he could try to mimic the same actions again.

Even though Yaku was a libero, it was clear that he was a fairly observant player- almost all the players at Nekoma were. They were observant to a frightening degree, but it was interesting to see that ability off the court, used to aid rather than defend and fight on the court.

It was the first time outside Sugawara that someone had actually helped him with his setting, and it was a strangely intense feeling- having all of Yaku’s focus on him, the focus of a senpai he sort of trusted and admired, a senpai who was an amazing player and willing to help him, even if he was the opponent.

Where would Tobio have been if everyone he knew felt like Yaku did, acted like Yaku did, was as kind as Yaku was?

“Kageyama-kun,” Yaku called, snapping Tobio out of his thoughts. “I think we should call it a day. It’s getting late and you haven’t eaten yet.”

Tobio nodded, starting to pick up the balls to clean up.

“Oh, I’ll clean up, Yaku-san,” Tobio yelped, when Yaku started picking up stuff as well. Yaku just smiled, waving him off, both of them quickly clearing the court.

“Oya oya!”

The voice came from the door and from the way Yaku stiffened slightly, Tobio immediately knew who it was.

Kuroo was leaning against the door, a small smirk on his face. Behind him, Tobio could see a slightly exhausted Akaashi, who was holding on to the collar of a fairly excited Bokuto.

“I was wondering where Yakkun ran off to,” Kuroo purred, a small amused smirk on his face as he slipped onto the court.

Yaku glared at him, fists tightened slightly, shoulders stiff.

“I told you to not call me that!” Yaku yelled, glaring angrily at Kuroo, who only seemed more amused.

“Are you coming back from practice?” Tobio asked, head slightly tilted, intent on preventing whatever showdown was about to happen between the two.

“Yeah!” Bokuto said, skipping into the room with a bright grin. Behind him, Akaashi seemed to slump slightly against the door, clearly exhausted. “Do you wanna practice, Kageyama-kun? Akaashi is the best setter but he’s tired so you can toss to me!”

“No he will not,” Yaku snapped, glaring at Bokuto. “You already went and tortured one crow, you’re not going to bother Kageyama-kun! He hasn’t eaten yet and he’s been practicing all evening.”

“But Yaku-san!” Bokuto whined, turning sadly to Yaku, who was clearly not going to take any of Bokuto’s nonsense.

“How sweet, has Yakkun adopted a baby crow?” Kuroo cooed, and Tobio had to hide the amusement he felt at the way Yaku slowly turned red. “Ah, are your motherly instincts all charged up?”

Yaku screeched, rushing at Kuroo to attack, as Akaashi stepped into the court.

“They'll take a while, Kageyama-kun,” Akaashi said, with a small shrug, eyes both amused and tired. “Have you eaten yet?”

“Ah no, Akaashi-san,” Tobio said, slightly flustered. The Fukurodani setter was incredibly pretty and Tobio didn’t really know what to do with himself in the face of that prettiness. Akaashi’s lips curled up, before pulling out an apple from his bag.

“You should make sure to eat, Kageyama-kun,” Akaashi murmured, handing him the apple, a slight reprimand in his voice. “You need to make sure you stay healthy.”

Tobio nodded, thanking the setter for the food, before watching Yaku chase Kuroo.

“How does he have so much energy after practicing?” Tobio mumbled. It was well known that Bokuto was a bit of a….enthusiastic volleyball player. His love for practicing rivalled Hinata’s. But Tobio would have assumed that Kuroo would be just as tired as Akaashi seemed to be.

“Kuroo-san always has energy to bother Yaku,” Akaashi dead-panned, though Tobio could sense the amusement in his voice.

Watching Kuroo and Yaku interact was entertaining, watching the push and pull, the way Kuroo poked and prodded just the right amount. There was clearly a reason Kuroo was the Provocation Master.

They felt...they felt sort of like how Suga and Daichi felt, like they were meant to be by each other’s sides. Tobio knew that, with Suga and Daichi, it was a matter of time till the bond slipped into existence. 

As a child, Tobio had always been able to sense when people were soulmates- before he had realized he was Iwaizumi and Oikawa’s third soulmate, he had known that they were soulmates, a bond clearly solidified between them. He had sensed the fraying bond between his mother and father as a child. 

He had “seen” his own snapping into place, and so he could recognize when a bond would snap into place, could sense when two people were just generally gravitating towards each other as soulmates tended to do.

Tobio quietly ate the apple, chewing slowly as he watched Yaku finally stomp away from Kuroo. 

“Kageyama-kun, let’s go,” Yaku grunted, and Tobio nodded, starting to follow behind him. He absent mindedly rubbed at his mouth, to remove any remaining juice from the apple.

“So Kageyama-kun,” Kuroo drawled, making Tobio glance back. The older teen had his hands behind his head, a small smirk on his face. “Did you get a scolding from that boyfriend of yours?”

“He isn’t my boyfriend,” said Tobio, automatically. He wasn’t sure why everyone kept implying that Tobio was either with Yachi or with Haiji. They were just good friends of his, they took care of him when Tobio forgot to. They made his world a little less lonely in a way the team did not. Hinata was his best friend, there was no denying that. He brought sunshine and bright joy into Tobio’s life. Yachi and Haiji’s effect on his life was a little different, a little more subtle. 

It was like a gentle hand, taking his, gently pulling him in one direction. A steady presence by his side, even when Tobio had failed. A surety, a constant, an immovable force.

Hinata and Tobio were rivals in a way no one would understand. But Yachi and Haiji were...Tobio’s friends in a very different way.

“Oh?” Kuroo hummed. “Interesting.”

“Kuroo-san,” Akaashi warned. “Leave Kageyama-kun alone.”

“But Akaashi,” Kuroo whined. “He’s so cute!”

“Leave him alone before I make you, you sleazy cat!” Yaku snapped, turning around. His shoulders were tight in a way that reminded Tobio comically of an angry cat.

“Hey hey hey!” Bokuto crowed brightly. “No fighting guys! Come on Kageyama-kun! It’s good you’re practicing! You guys have to have a match with us at the Nationals, after all!”

“We’ll be there,” Tobio nodded, losing his balance a little when Bokuto over-enthusiastically slapped his arm against Tobio’s back.

“Good good! You better step it up for the matches tomorrow then!”

Tobio nodded, straightening up slightly. 

This was why he was here. This was why Karasuno was here. They would train harder than they ever had. 

And they would be at Nationals. 

\---

Tobio slipped out of the room Karasuno was sleeping in, trying to make sure the light of his phone wouldn’t wake anyone up.

He had a couple messages from Haiji, who had told Tobio he would message him later in the night.

**Haiji-san: Tobio-kun! How was today? Sorry I didn’t reply earlier, these exams are really annoying.**

**Haiji-san: I hope you got to practice with other people.**

**Tobio: It’s okay.**

**Tobio: Today was good. I practiced with Yaku-san. He’s from Nekoma.**

At this point, it was pretty late, so Tobio doubted that Haiji would reply. Pocketing his phone, Tobio went to the loo before making his way back to their room. Before he could slip back into the room, however, Tobio’s phone buzzed, startling him and making him jump a bit.

Tobio quickly stumbled away from the door, worried he had woken someone up. When no one seemed to stir in the room, he breathed out a soft sigh of relief. He hadn’t wanted to wake anyone in the team up- they were all exhausted, Tobio included, after such a long day of practice. They were all trying very hard, and Tobio was sure that all their practice would soon come together cohesively.

Hoping it was just a quick good night message from Haiji, Tobio slipped his phone out.

**[Unknown Number]: Yoohoo! Tobio-chan!**

Tobio winced, cursing his luck. He hadn’t put the read notification off on his phone, so he knew Oikawa would know he had seen it. If he didn’t reply now, Oikawa would be near impossible to deal with and more unbearable than usual.

**Tobio: What do you want, Oikawa-san. It’s late.**

**Oikawa-san: Why are you still awake? Isn’t it past your bedtime?**

**Tobio: I had to reply to someone’s message.**

**Oikawa-san: Oh, mine? ヾ(〃^∇^)ﾉ**

**Tobio: No. Haiji-san.**

**Oikawa-san: Who?**

Tobio paused for a moment, wondering if he should even tell Oikawa who Haiji was. If he didn’t, Oikawa would keep messaging and Tobio wouldn’t be able to sleep.

**Tobio: He’s a friend. College student at Kansai.**

**Oikawa-san: How do you know him?**

**Tobio: I met him when I went for a check up.**

**Oikawa-san: What check up?**

**Tobio: What did you message for, Oikawa-san?**

**Oikawa-san: Tobio-chaaaaannn, I’m bored!**

**Oikawa-san: And don’t think I didn’t notice you avoided the question.**

**Tobio: Then go to sleep.**

**Tobio: I need to go to sleep too. Good night.**

**Oikawa-san: Wait wait! You didn’t tell me what your day was like.**

Tobio sighed, sitting down across the door of their room. He didn’t know why Oikawa wasn’t just bothering Iwaizumi, but at this point, he was too tired to think too hard about it.

**Tobio: I’m really tired, Oikawa-san. I need to sleep.**

**Tobio: I practiced with a senpai from Nekoma. And Akaashi-san gave me tips.**

**Oikawa-san: I’ll let you go to sleep in a minute, Tobio-chan!**

**Oikawa-san: Who’s Akaashi? And this senpai?**

**Tobio: Yaku-san is the libero of Nekoma. He’s a great libero and he watched me practice and pointed stuff out to me. It was helpful.**

**Tobio: Akaashi-san is the setter of Fukurodani. He’s very pretty.**

Tobio winced when he realized he had sent that. He was going to fall asleep like this if he kept replying.

**Oikawa-san: Oh.**

**Oikawa-san: Is that so.**

**Oikawa-san: Interesting.**

**Tobio: …?**

**Oikawa-san: Go to sleep Tobio-chan. I’ll message you in the morning. Practice hard!**

**Tobio: Ok. Good night.**

Tobio slipped back into the room, almost tripping over Tsukishima’s leg in the dark as he made his way to his futon next to Hinata. Hinata was softly snoring, curled up in a small ball. At some point, he seemed to have kicked his blanket off, but was now shivering slightly.

Tobio gently pulled Hinata’s blanket over him, before settling into his own futon.

Tomorrow was the day. He and Hinata would get the quick right tomorrow. He could feel it.

There was no need to think about Oikawa or Iwaizumi here, in the warmth of their room, with the sound of Nishinoya’s snoring and Asahi’s quite mumbling in his sleep. Tobio curled into the warmth of his own blanket, closing his eyes, and let himself forget.

There was no need to focus on the past, the rejection, the quiet hum of pain in his heart whenever Oikawa decided to reach out, taking what little he had yet to take from Tobio.

All Tobio needed to do was focus on his own future, on his dreams, the feel of a volleyball in his hands, the sound of Hinata hitting his tosses.

He didn’t need anything more.

He had a lot- he had a loving father, some amazing friends, a great team, and a few possible future friends in other teams. He didn’t need his soulmates.

How could he need them when he had volleyball?


	9. Listen To Your Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I am so flattered by all the comments, bookmarks, kudos and hits. It is honestly amazing that all of you are enjoying this as much as I enjoy writing this.
> 
> I know there are some comments I haven't responded to yet- apologies for that, I'll get to it soon! I've been feeling a bit burnt out lately, it is honestly kinda annoying- just a general lack of motivation to do anything. But I'm hoping to get back on my feet by tomorrow so I can get RL work done! 
> 
> I hope all of you are having a great Halloween and that you've all chosen to celebrate it safely, if at all!
> 
> Looking forward to your comments (and will reply if I haven't already)!

_Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile_

_The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah_

_They're swept away and nothing is what is seems_

_The feeling of belonging to your dreams_

_\- Listen To You Heart by KHS (cover)_

Tobio turned on his futon, squeezing his eyes tightly, hoping to sleep a little more. The warmth of his blanket felt like a better idea than getting up and dealing with everyone else.

Around him, their room had burst into life, Tanaka and Nishinoya yelling loudly. Tobio could hear them leaping across the room. Tsukishima was grumbling something vaguely insulting somewhere near Tobio’s futon, though Tobio didn’t really want to look up or pay attention.

Tobio felt himself slowly drifting off again, the world becoming slightly hazy as he slipped into that place between sleep and awakeness.

He was startled out of his drowsiness by a sudden body jumping onto his own.

“Yamayama wake up!” the body on top of him screeched, and Tobio groaned, trying to bury himself deeper into his blanket cocoon. If he had known Hinata would do nonsense like this early in the morning, he would have just not made up with him at all.

The previous day, Tobio had tried out his new toss with Hinata. They were still a long way from getting the quick to work, but it was nice to know that while Tobio was working his ass off to perfect this toss, Hinata had been working hard as well. 

“Yamayamaaaaaa!” Hinata whined, grabbing onto him and pushing and pulling in a way that made Tobio rock back and forth.

Tobio groaned, turning around to glare at Hinata.

“Dumbass!” yelled Tobio, but there was no real bite in his voice, and Hinata seemed to detect that, his eyes twinkling in amusement.

“Get up everyone!” Takeda called from outside. “Breakfast will be ready in a bit!”

Tobio rolled out of bed, rubbing at his eyes blearily. He went through the motions of rolling his futon up to place to the side before stepping out to brush his teeth, Hinata at his side.

“So,” Hinata started, carefully, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to speak. “What’s been going on with you?”

Tobio froze in his motion of brushing his teeth, looking at Hinata in the mirror. He seemed serious but slightly worried at the same time, and Tobio contemplated if it was better to simply not tell Hinata about any of his bump-ins with Oikawa. 

The entire time that Tobio had been practicing this toss, the whole time the two of them weren’t talking to each other, the only thing he had wanted was to talk to Hinata about it. He needed some way to let it out and the only person he could talk to was Haiji, and even he was busy as a college student sometimes. And he knew, Tobio knew that Hinata wouldn’t like it if he lied, even if Tobio did it only for Hinata sake.

“I met Oikawa-san,” Tobio murmured through the toothpaste in his mouth. Behind him, Hinata seemed to stiffen, eyes wide with concern.

Once Tobio had spit the toothpaste out and rinsed his mouth, he turned to Hinata and quietly told him everything that had happened so far.

“Delete his number,” Hinata said, holding his hand out as if he was ready to do that if Tobio didn’t. His lips were curled into a slight pout, the type he got on his face when he was trying to convince someone to do something.

Tobio got the feeling it was something Hinata had picked up from Natsu. He raised an eyebrow in mild amusement. On one hand, Hinata wasn’t wrong- there was no reason for Oikawa to be on his phone. But on the other…

“You do realize that even if I delete his number, he has mine, right? He can still call me,” Tobio reasoned. “And if I block him...well, he knows where I live, dumbass.”

“Ugh,” Hinata grumbled. “I don’t like it when you make sense.”

Tobio shrugged, tilting his head slightly. “I’ll deal with it as it goes. I don’t think I need to worry about it for now at least.”

Hinata eyed him carefully, like he was thinking about it, and then nodded. As they made their way out of the bathroom to go to grab breakfast, Tobio thought about how he should actually deal with Oikawa. It was odd that Oikawa was suddenly appearing everywhere. There was no reason for that to happen, nothing that Tobio could think of that would make Oikawa’s behaviour make sense.

Someone who understood Oikawa a little less might say it was to mess with Tobio’s mind before their final match, but Tobio knew very well that a victory through underhanded means meant nothing to Oikawa. In fact, that victory would probably hurt more than a loss would, so Tobio doubted that was the reason behind it.

“Ah, good morning, Hinata-kun, Kageyama-kun,” came a voice from ahead of them, and Tobio looked up to see Akaashi walking towards them. He seemed like he was still trying to wake up, rubbing his eyes slightly to rub out the sleep.

“Good Morning, Akaashi-san,” Tobio muttered, earning a slight smile from him. Akaashi was definitely the prettiest boy he had ever seen. It was weird, it was different from how Oikawa was pretty. It was...softer, perhaps? In a way that made it seem that Akaashi wasn’t aware of how pretty he was, unlike Oikawa, who came off as being very aware and proud of how pretty he was.

Regardless, it reminded him more of Kiyoko and how pretty she was instead of Oikawa. Sure, Tobio had been uncomfortable around Kiyoko, and in a sense, he didn’t think that would truly go away. Kiyoko didn’t give the same type of vibes as Oikawa or Akaashi, a more muted, soothing sort of pretty, but it still made Tobio uncomfortable, because it still reminded him of Oikawa in his gentler moments. 

Would he ever be able to look at a pretty person and not think of Oikawa? Would he ever be able to look at a gentle, stoic man and not think of Iwaizumi?

He knew he didn’t belong between them and within them. Why would he? He was relatively plain looking and the only thing he had going for him was his ability at setting. In fact, he had been informed, repeatedly, that he looked fairly scary most of the time. Pretty things weren’t scary…

Though Tobio had to admit, Oikawa did seem to be an outlier in that regard.

“You seem spaced out, Kageyama-kun,” Akaashi stated, tilting his head slightly as he started walking with them towards the mess. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Akaashi-san,” Tobio mumbled. “Just...tired.”

Hinata usually ran ahead, jumping at Bokuto or one of the other friends he had made at the camp, but he seemed pretty set on staying by Tobio’s side today, hand clenched on Tobio’s shirt as if Tobio was going to run away. He didn’t understand why, but maybe it had something to do with the fact that the moment Hinata took his eyes off of Tobio, Oikawa had swooped in.

Hinata was nothing if not fiercely protective. 

It warmed Tobio’s heart a little. 

Sure, he didn’t know what he was going to do. He didn’t know why Oikawa was talking to him again. They had to work on their quick.

But to Tobio, all of that seemed easy to deal with. The world was filled with possibilities again, now that Hinata was by his side.

\---

Tobio’s lips curled into a smile, excitement running through his veins as he watched his toss, the way it curved just right.

Three times in a row. That made it 3 times in a row that Tobio had been able to do the “toss that stops” correctly, exactly where he had wanted it.

Of course, in the middle of the game, those odds weren’t as great- 3 out of 6 was just 50%. He had to get better, and doing this in the middle of a game would require more practice. But it was still something.

“That’s the third one!” Yachi exclaimed, clapping brightly.

“Good job Kageyama-kun,” Yaku said, grinning brightly at him, rubbing the sweat off his forehead. He had been acting as a spiker so that Tobio could practice with a moving person a little more. It was clear that Yaku hadn’t been doing a lot of spiking practice- not that he needed to be as libero- but he was good enough at it to do what was needed for Tobio’s practice.

Yachi had been a little wary of Yaku when he had joined them for practice but when she realized that having Yaku there helped Tobio, she had calmed down a little. She didn’t say too much directly to Yaku, straightening up with wide, terrified eyes whenever they accidentally made eye contact. However, when he wasn’t paying attention to her, she seemed to have relaxed after the 4th time she had thrown the ball for Tobio.

“We can call it a night, I think,” Yaku said, smiling at Yachi, who nodded jerkily before she started collecting balls. 

“You can go ahead and get dinner, Yachi,” Tobio murmured. “Yaku-san and I will clear this up and join you.”

“Are- are you sure?” Yachi asked, the ball in her hand squeezed tightly against her, like she didn’t like the idea of leaving Tobio with someone else. Tobio felt a rush of warmth in his chest, gratitude for this girl that cared for him even when he fucked up, even if he didn’t meet expectations. She never expected anything, she just saw Tobio and understood.

“Yeah, you can go ahead,” Tobio said, lips twitching up slightly in a small smile. “We’ll join you when we finish up.”

Yachi nodded, glancing at Yaku before scurrying away, ball still in hand. She stopped at the door, realizing the ball was in her hand, before tossing it to Tobio, who hid a smile and caught the ball.

She slipped out of the building, the tips of her ears slightly red.

“She’s...kinda cute, isn’t she?” Yaku said, his lips curled up in an amused smile.

Tobio tilted his head, slightly curious. Sure, Yachi was pretty, though in a different way from Kiyoko. However, he hadn’t been aware that Yachi was Yaku’s type.

“Do you like her?” Tobio asked, bluntly. He would have a talk with Yaku if that was the case, because as Oikawa had said, it wasn’t right to lead girls on.

“What?” Yaku yelped. “Ah no, I know you’re dating her right? Don’t worry!”

Tobio groaned loudly, running his hand over his face in exasperation before moving to start picking up balls. 

“I don’t know why everyone thinks that. I’m not dating her,” Tobio started saying, before he paused for a moment, wondering if he should say it. Given that he felt like Yaku and Kuroo were soulmates, maybe he should? Maybe Yaku needed someone to talk to about it? “I’ve already met my soulmates.”

“Oh!” Yaku said, a small grin forming. “A polybond? Is it that guy who was on the call last camp?”

“Ah, no. Haiji-san is just a friend,” Tobio said, picking up the last ball. “They were my seniors in middle school.”

“Oh! So you guys have been together for a while?”

Tobio’s lips curled up slightly at that question. No matter how many times this conversation took place, it never seemed to hurt less.

“They rejected me,” Tobio stated, turning to look at Yaku, to take in his reaction. 

Yaku’s smile faded, and his expression hardened for a moment, before it slowly softened into one of...empathy. Tobio felt a twinge in his chest, because he knew that look. 

He had made the right choice by saying something.

“I’m in a...vaguely similar position,” Yaku said, his voice a little louder than a whisper. His eyes stayed on Tobio’s, but his fists were clenched.

“Is it Kuroo-san?” Tobio asked, bluntly. 

Yaku’s entire body seemed to jump a little, eyes widening in shock.

“How did you…?” Yaku started, before looking away, running his hand through his short hair.

Tobio shrugged. It was difficult to explain to others how he could sense that bonds were about to snap into place, how he could sometimes vaguely see the them, like a string that linked two souls together.

“It’s...I think it’s a delayed bond. He doesn’t seem to know, because he still talks about meeting his soulmate,” Yaku murmured, his eyes sharp with discomfort and self-depreciation. “And let’s just say, I definitely don’t fit into the dream of what he wants from a soulmate.”

Tobio wondered to himself, if that was something people could do. Was it possible to want specific things from your soulmate?

He had heard Tanaka and Nishinoya, when they thought he wasn’t there, talking about how they wanted their soulmate to be as pretty as Kiyoko. Hinata had said he wanted his to play volleyball, but that wasn’t really a bad expectation, because volleyball and Hinata were deeply intertwined. 

If he, himself, had ever wanted something out of a soulmate, it was to belong somewhere.

And look where that got him.

“I don’t think soulmates work that way,” Tobio said, softly, eyes distant as if he was seeing someone else. Specifically, two people.. “Sure, we’ve all been taught how perfect soulmates are, but I don’t think...Kuroo-san doesn’t seem like to be the type being caught up with fantasies. He seems logical, analytical. I don’t think that. Even if his ideas of what a soulmate should be are different by now, I don’t think it will take long for him to realize that it is only you. It will always be you.”

Yaku seemed to flush darkly at his words, opening his mouth to stammer, but nothing he was saying made any sense to Tobio, so he simply continued.

“At the very least, he seems like the sort to give it a chance. So do you,” Tobio murmured. “Not all of us get that. Some of us were never given a chance.”

Yaku’s face fell at that, the color on his cheeks fading away, worried.

“Kageyama-kun,” Yaku said, reaching out slowly, as if Tobio was a skittish cat. “Did...did your soulmates…?”

“They never bothered to give me a chance. Said they were happier together and had no space for me,” Tobio said, frankly, regardless of how much it felt like showing a knife into his chest and twisting it.

Twisting, twisting.

Always twisting.

Till there was nothing left inside.

“Kageyama-kun…”

“I don’t like the idea that you and Kuroo-san will end up like that. I know you won’t. You’re both better than they were and...and you should be brave, and make that first step,” Tobio finished, unaware of the fact how heavily he was breathing.

There was silence for a moment, the only sound was the sweet chirping of the summer cicadas outside, and distant thuds from other courts being used. 

“I will try,” Yaku whispered, though Tobio wasn’t sure if that answer was for himself or for Tobio. He chose not to comment on it, not trusting his voice after admitting this. 

After admitting, between the lines of his statements, that no matter how much he grew up, all Tobio wanted was to belong.

But the one place he would never ever belong was between the bodies of his two upperclassmen, the two boys who had shaped him in so many ways, the two boys that pushed him further and further away.

He would always be chasing behind them, only wishing for them to turn around and pause for him to catch up.

Tobio didn’t need _them_ to chase _him_.

All he wanted was for them to acknowledge that he was one of theirs.

That was all he had _ever_ wanted.

_It was all he could never have._

And he would be damned if he let Yaku – a senpai who had so kindly helped him practice –, with sharp words and gentle eyes, hurt like he was, when he didn’t have to. 

Kuroo-san scared Tobio. He was loud, rambunctious, weirdly flirty and his eyes were sharp and calculating in a way that made Tobio uncomfortable. It wasn’t similar to the warm shrewdness of Daichi’s eyes or the quicksilver sharpness of Oikawa’s. 

But Tobio knew, deep inside, that Kuroo wasn’t a bad person. It reminded him of what Daichi had told him, his eyes weary and tired, about how age didn’t really mean anything. 

Even if they were all his senpais, they were still just teenagers and just as confused by things as he was. 

Soulmates were things none of them really understood. They only knew what the movies told them about it. The only version of soulmates which everyone was aware of, was that it meant your life would be perfect forever. But like all relationships, soulmate bonds still required work. Just because two or three people were meant to be together it didn’t mean that everything would fall in place.

Tobio had learnt that the hard way, many times over. 

How could he have not learnt it, with the way his parents had fallen apart, leaving behind a child to deal with the fall out? 

How could he have not learnt it, with the way Oikawa constantly prodded at a bruise in his chest, a bruise that never seemed to heal?

How could he have not learnt it, with the way Iwaizumi ignored him, pretending he was nothing but an old kohai that he had forgotten or left behind?

No one understood what it meant to have soulmates better than Tobio.

No one understood the sharp edges and silent, empty, bone-deep sorrow. 

No one understood the feeling of always being left behind, hands reaching out, hoping, always hoping.

After all, how could they understand the way Tobio _saw_ Oikawa and Iwaizumi? 

He understood them better than anyone else. He saw through the facades and the fronts, and saw them bare- at their core, he knew who they were, what they were, what they would always be.

And he would always be inspired by them.

_How could he not?_

Tobio would always carry Oikawa and Iwaizumi with him, no matter how much he wanted to leave them behind the same way they had left him behind.

But they would never see him. 

_They simply didn’t want to._

He didn’t want Yaku to ever understand that. He didn’t want him to understand that.

The pain

The loneliness.

The feeling of standing in a crowd and still feeling alone.

The feeling of never getting the joke, a punchline that always eluded you.

“You should talk to him,” Tobio mumbled, looking away. It was probably not his place to say any of this, but he didn’t want to let this go and, at the least, try to help.. 

Yaku’s eyes were sad, focused on Tobio, like he wasn’t at all thinking about Kuroo. Instead, he seemed to be focused on Tobio.

Yaku was looking at Tobio like he was the answer to all his questions, but he didn’t want Tobio to bear that burden.

He was looking at him with the eyes of a man who was starving, a man who was alone, a man who didn’t know how to reach out that final inch.

A man who was constantly grasping at empty air, because he didn’t have the courage to push that extra inch.

Tobio’s lips curled up in a parody of a smile. How could he not recognize that expression?

It was a look Tobio had seen in the mirror so often.

It was oddly funny that Tobio finally had senpais that cared for him, that looked at him and saw him.

But it would never be _them_.

“What if he rejects me?” Yaku said, voicing out his thoughts in a way that made Tobio think that maybe Yaku had simply never had the courage to voice his insecurities out in the open.

Tobio didn’t know how to answer that question. Because the only life he had ever lived, the only bond he had ever known and would ever know, was a bond that would forever be incomplete, a bond where he was always going to be rejected.

He didn’t know what to say to Yaku, to help, to make him feel better.

Tobio was silent, glancing up at Yaku through his eyelashes, wondering. 

“I don’t know,” Tobio said, his voice strong regardless of the way his heart ached. “All you can do is be brave and try. Listen to your heart, Yaku-san. Mine has never led me wrong, and I don’t think yours will either.”

Yaku looked up, making eye contact with Tobio, his eyes suspiciously shiny.

“Even though...even though they rejected you?” he asked, voice uncertain. 

Tobio’s lips curled up slightly, almost morbidly amused.

“They made me who I am today, Yaku-san,” Tobio stated, his voice firm and knowing. “Even if they rejected me, they made me who I am today. Both on and off the court. And I can’t truly bring myself to hate them for that.”

Because wasn’t _that_ the truth Tobio would always be stuck with?

He was who he was today because of Oikawa and Iwaizumi, because of how they inspired him, how they hurt him, how they had taken his gentle, quiet heart and shattered it to pieces.

Tobio had always listened to his heart, because when he did, he knew it would never lead him astray.

How could he regret the pain he had been through when he knew it had made him stronger, more determined, and all round better as a person?

The place in his chest where he could feel the bond the most would probably always ache, his bond forever closed off from the two people he would always be chasing, but Tobio would never, ever be able to bring himself to regret it.

Because how could he look at himself in the mirror and hate himself, knowing he was better today than he was yesterday?

He had come a long way since that rejection.

And he was proud of who he had become.


	10. Graveyard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys!!!
> 
> I want to thank everyone for leaving kudos, comments, and bookmarks for this fic. I am so glad you are like it so much! As you may know if you're following me on twitter, I have been drowning with Uni work for the past month and I do not write well when I'm trying to force it through the stress. So that's why this is coming so late. But I hope this is a nice surprise and a nice Christmas present to all of you!!! Thank you for being so patient and kind as I tried to get through my RL work. Hopefully next quarter, I will be better at managing my time so that I can write every week, but well. Who knows.
> 
> Also, I know there are some comments I haven't responded to yet, I'll get to this today, hopefully!
> 
> I hope you are all staying safe, and are having a great holiday season!

_It's crazy when_

_The thing you love the most is the detriment_

_Let that sink in_

_You can think again_

_When the hand you wanna hold is a weapon and_

_You're nothin' but skin_

_\- Graveyard by Halsey_

Tobio left the camp with Yaku’s number in his phone, a promise to talk regularly and to meet again at Nationals.

_BZZ BZZ BZZ_

He was surprised to also end up with Akaashi’s number, as well as Kuroo’s, whose response to his surprised expression at the request was a smirk and hand ruffling his hair, as if Tobio was the one who was being silly.

_BZZ BZZ BZZ_

For Tobio, who had never been the sort that other people wanted to willingly interact with, it was surprising that the three wanted to stay in contact with him, even seeming to look forward to it.

It made a small part of him, somewhere deep in his chest, light up. An ember of happiness that even Oikawa’s persistent messaging wouldn’t put out.

“Tobio!” his father called from downstairs. “Your friend is here!”

Tobio looked away from his buzzing phone, confused. He had been looking at the phone from the opposite end of the room for at least half an hour, knowing fully well who was messaging him. 

He didn’t know who was downstairs though- as far as he knew, everyone was busy. Hinata was supposed to be watching Natsu tonight. Tsukishima probably wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near his house. No one else in their team would have come over without messaging first.

He peeked out of his room, but wasn’t able to see anyone from there. Clearly his father had already shown this person in, probably sitting with them in the hall.

“Ah yes, Tobio went to his camp in Tokyo, did he tell you about that?” Tobio could hear his father saying as he walked down the stairs. “He apparently made some friends there, from Nekoma and Fukurodani.”

“That’s good,” came a voice from the hall, as Tobio stepped towards the sofas, his eyes widening as he recognized it. As soon as he was aware who it was, he immediately slammed the wall up, hiding his wince so his father couldn’t see it.

“Oikawa-san,” Tobio yelped. “What are you doing here?”

On his favorite chair, the nice cozy one Tobio tended to favor, was Oikawa Tooru. He was, as usual, annoyingly unruffled, dressed in a blue hoodie, leaning into the back of the sofa in a manner that was a little too at east. The hoodie was a little big for him, giving the illusion that he was harmless.

Tobio knew better than to fall for that facade.

“Ah, Tobio-chan!” Oikawa said, turning, a bright smile on his face. “You weren’t answering my messages so I just came to you!”

Tobio glared at Oikawa, but didn’t say anything because his father didn’t know who Oikawa was. Touya didn’t know Oikawa was his soulmate, and Tobio wanted to keep it that way.

“Will you be staying for dinner, Oikawa-kun?” Touya asked, smiling kindly at Oikawa, as if he hadn’t noticed the tension between the two.

It was understandable really. As far as Touya knew, Oikawa was simply one of Tobio’s seniors. One that was fairly fond of Tobio, if Touya’s brief questions about the older boy to Tobio were any indicator.

“Ah, there’s no need for the trouble,” Oikawa said, turning a charming smile at Touya. “And please, call me Tooru, Kageyama-san. You’re my _precious_ kohai’s father, it’s a bit odd to have such formalities.”

Touya chuckled, nodding. Tobio felt like throwing the nearest pillow at Oikawa’s head.

He didn’t know what Oikawa was doing in his living room, chatting with his father, but he _did_ know that Oikawa needed to get out.

“Dad,” Tobio said, his eyes still fixed on the back of Oikawa’s head. “Oikawa-san and I are going to go outside.”

“Sure,” Touya said, agreeably. “Do I need to do anything for dinner?”

“No,” Tobio said, turning to look at his father. “I put dinner in the fridge, we can heat it up later. Do you need anything from the store?”

From what he could remember, Tobio knew they were running low on the coffee his dad liked, as well as certain vegetables, but he could always just go and get the groceries tomorrow after school instead of right now.

“No no,” Touya said, waving a hand in the air in amusement. “Go out, have fun. No need to be so responsible all the time, Tobio.”

Touya had been home way more lately, which Tobio had been really happy about. He had felt guilty about going to Tokyo when his father was home, but Touya had fondly chuckled and told him to make some great memories at camp.

Touya had been telling Tobio to go hang out with his friends, and just be a kid, for a while now. For Tobio, though, it had been hard to explain to his father that he didn’t really have that many friends, before he settled into his place within Karasuno. 

He hadn’t had anyone to invite over. 

Sure, there was Kindaichi and Kunimi, but with everything going on at home, Tobio hadn’t felt comfortable bringing them home.

Touya had been so involved in the issues between himself and Tobio’s mother that he hadn’t noticed that his son had grown up lonely.

The kind of loneliness that had seeped into Tobio’s bones, wrapping into him tightly, never to leave again. 

Tobio was well accustomed to being left behind, being left out, never being seen, never being heard.

Who would that child have invited to his home?

All Tobio had ever had was his volleyball and his grandfather.

But Tobio didn’t know how to say that to his father, nor did he want to make Touya feel more guilty than he already felt. Tobio had been familiar with the weight of his father’s worried and sad gazes when Touya thought Tobio was busy. He had noticed the slight downturn to his father’s lips when Tobio didn’t really have anything to say about his school day other than volleyball.

His father was disappointed, not necessarily in Tobio, but more in how his son seemingly didn’t want to share that with him.

Tobio wanted to explain that wasn’t the case at all, but what could he say without telling his father that he had been alone for longer than he could understand?

And so, even if it was with Oikawa, Tobio would “be a kid” and “have fun with his friends”. If it made his father happy, if it softened the tension in his shoulders and smoothened the sharpness of his concern, then Tobio would do it. He’d deal with Oikawa- not that he really had much of a choice there- for an hour or so, and then just go on with his life. 

There wasn’t much Tobio wouldn’t do for Touya.

Once he was sure his father was out of hearing range, Tobio grumbled to himself, “I’m not going to have fun at all.”

“Mean, Tobio-chan!” Oikawa whined, his eyes lighting up in mirth. “What are you saying! How could you not want to spend the evening with me!”

“Let’s go,” Tobio mumbled, about to make his way to the door, when Oikawa grabbed his arm.

“It’s cold outside,” Oikawa said lightly, “Go wear a jacket. You shouldn’t get sick before the matches.”

“Wouldn’t that make you happy?” Tobio grumbled, even though he knew it wasn’t true.

“I was to crush you fair and square, and after that, it’s just Ushiwaka left,” Oikawa sang, his tone light and teasing. “So you better play your best, Tobio-chan.”

Tobio scowled to himself, choosing not to respond verbally and instead simply moved up the stairs to grab his jacket. Even though the tone of Oikawa’s voice had been gentle and light, the words still sent a pang through his chest.

Simply another reminder that no matter what he did, after this match, Oikawa and Iwaizumi would simply leave him behind.

Just another reminder that he was merely another checkpoint for Oikawa to pass, just a road bump on the way to defeating Ushijima Wakatoshi.

He didn’t know what else he was expecting.

When had he not been something for Oikawa to step over and disregard?

Once in his room, Tobio opened his closet to grab a jacket. However, before he could grab a jacket, an old, now small on him, a jacket caught his eye.

His old jacket from KitaDai.

His right hand, which had been outstretched to grab the first jacket he could see, moved slowly to touch the faded blue of the jacket.

He had been so small in KitaDai, not having his growth spurt yet. Kindaichi and Kunimi had both been taller than him at the time.

Now, looking at the faded blue of the jacket, Tobio’s heart hurt a little.

Because in the dim light of his bedroom, the blue of the jacket looked painfully close to the light blue of Aoba Johsai.

In another life, in another time, maybe he would have been wearing blue and white instead of black and orange.

“Tobio-chan!” he heard Oikawa whine from downstairs. “What are you doing up there? No amount of prettying up yourself is going to bring you close to my level of perfection!”

Tobio snapped out of his reverie. The gentle, painful sting of nostalgia and wondering about what-ifs, faded away.

Tobio grabbed his jacket from Karasuno instead of touching the one from KitaDai.

Perhaps, sometimes, it was important to let the past stay in the past.

After all, the memories he had collected then, only brought him pain.

He was happier now, surrounded by warm smiles, kind eyes, shades of black and orange at the corner of his eyes.

He was happier now, surrounded by crows than he had ever been drowning in the deep blue of Oikawa’s team.

It would do him well to remember that.

\--- 

The air outside Tobio’s home was chilly, especially since it was only Autumn. It had been a good idea to wear the jacket, though he would never say that out loud to Oikawa.

Above them, the night sky was surprisingly clear, stars shining in the sky in a way it hadn’t when Tobio had been in Tokyo, where the city lights chased away the stars. The differences between Miyagi and Tokyo caught him off guard, making him think about how it had, perhaps, been the right choice to stay in Miyagi.

He didn’t know if he liked the idea of not having this. The crisp air of an Autumn night, the distant sound of crickets in the forest, the quiet hoots of a far away owl.

“How was your trip, Tobio-chan?” Oikawa asked, breaking the oddly companionable silence they had settled into once they had left the confines of Tobio’s home.

Tobio was quiet for a moment, wondering how he should answer.

“It was good,” Tobio said, finally. “They’re all interesting teams to play with and they have very different playing styles.”

Oikawa nodded, shoving his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, eyes still looking ahead. From where Tobio was walking, it looked like Oikawa was lost in his own thoughts.

“Tell me about those two people you mentioned. You made friends?”

Something about Oikawa felt...off. Like, he was here but not here at the same time, mind lost somewhere that Tobio would never reach him.

“Are you...Oikawa-san, are you okay?” Tobio asked, not sure how to start this conversation.

Oikawa paused in his walking, turning to look at Tobio, the haziness in his eyes clearing. Once again, his focus was entirely on him.

Tobio was suddenly struck with the feeling that it might not have been a good idea to make Oikawa focus on him.

It had never ended well before.

Instead of mocking or teasing him, Oikawa looked at Tobio a long moment before a small smile formed on his face.

“Sometimes, Tobio, I forget how young you are,” he said, eyes soft and gentle as they looked at Tobio. “Iwa-chan and I have done nothing but hurt you, but you still find it in yourself to be kind to us.”

Tobio was confused- what did that have to do with Oikawa being sad? 

The way Oikawa was looking at him was starting to make him uncomfortable, like a complement that Tobio didn’t quite know what to do with.

“I’m going to be graduating soon,” Oikawa continued, as though he hadn’t expected an answer from Tobio.

Tobio opened his mouth to say something in response, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He didn’t understand? What was the problem? Why was Oikawa graduating something that would make him sad?

“Everything is going to change,” Oikawa whispered, looking away from Tobio, lookin instead at the sky above, a small smile on his face.

But before he could say anything, Oikawa reached out to ruffle his hair, the sadness that had been lingering at the corners of Oikawa’s smile fading away into something soft enough to be called fondness.

It momentarily distracted Tobio, enough that he was silent long enough for Oikawa to chuckle to himself.

“Don’t worry about me, Tobio-chan,” he said, looking up at the sky. “Tell me about your camp. I came to hang out with you, not whine to you about the future”

“You always whine,” Tobio said automatically, though that wasn’t what he had meant to say at all.

Oikawa snorted, before starting to laugh. Oikawa laughed like a man that didn’t understand why he was laughing, like the laughter was a breath of fresh air, something he hadn’t been able to do all day.

“Tobio-chan, so mean!” he whined, between huffs of laughter, holding his stomach. “When did you get so bratty, huh?”

Tobio pouted to himself, glaring at Oikawa petulantly.

“Now, tell me about Tokyo, you brat,” Oikawa said, his eyes bright with mirth. 

The words ‘you brat’ were tinged with tenderness, like the older boy knew that what they had here could never be seen in the harsh light of the sun, that this companionship could only ever exist at night.

It settled right in Tobio’s chest, curling up inside him like a small animal burrowing into the warmth. It felt like something was melting away.

It felt like something he had been looking for ever since he had seen Oikawa Tooru set as an elementary school student.

It felt like losing everything.

Tobio was scared of what was hidden inside, when everything melted away between them.

Did he want to see it?

Instead of thinking too much about it, thinking about the way the air between him and Oikawa had shifted, Tobio focused on the question he had been asked.

“I made some friends,” Tobio murmured, looking away from Oikawa and continued to walk down the street they were on. “Yaku-san was the one who was helping me with my setting. He’s the libero.”

“And then there’s the pretty one,” Oikawa prompted, voice suspiciously light. Tobio didn’t think anything of it, however, and merely nodded.

“That’s Akaashi-san,” Tobio replied, nodding. “He’s the setter for Fukurodani. We didn’t get to practice much together because Bokuto-san likes to practice with him a lot, but he gave me a lot of pointers during the practice matches.”

“And what year is Akaashi in?”

“He’s a second year?” Tobio said, though he phrased it more like a question because he hadn’t really thought about that. Yaku, Kuroo and Bokuto were all graduating this year.

He wondered if Akaashi would be lonely. He had seemed close to Kuroo and Yaku, and particularly close to Bokuto.

Would Akashi feel the same way Tobio was dreading?

The way he knew he would feel when his third years left and when Oikawa and Iwaizumi finally left him behind for good?

“Is that so?” Oikawa hummed, eyes distant again. Tobio didn’t like the odd tone in Oikawa’s voice but he continued anyway.

“Yeah, he might be lonely without Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san and the others. He seems to be very close to them,” Tobio said, putting his hands into his pockets as he looked up to the sky. “I know it’s going to be weird without Daichi-senpai and the others.”

“You seem close to them,” Oikawa murmured. They walked in silence for a while, the quiet between them oddly light and casual. 

Tobio let the silence settle against his skin, like a cool blanket against the warm hum of the soulmate bond, pulsing with heat at the beat of his heart. 

In this moment, Tobio came to a heart wrenching realization.

Here, under the glow of the streetlights, under the starry night sky, surrounded by the sound of crickets and the heavy silence between their chirping.

It was here that Tobio realized- this was where they had been headed all along, wasn’t it.

This was all Tobio would ever really have.

For the past two years, he and Oikawa Tooru had been headed to this point.

Where they could only ever co-exist like this- under the dark clock of the night, under the flickering of a street lamp.

Tobio would never ever be something Oikawa would be seen with in the light of day.

But Tobio, regardless of this, would never stop running after Oikawa Tooru.

Even if everyone told him he was making a big mistake, that he was only going to hurt himself.

Tobio wouldn't be able to bring himself to stop till he was by Oikawa's side.

Be it as his soulmate or his fellow pro volleyball player.

Tobio would never be able to rid himself of this.

He simply didn’t know how.

He would have to be happy with this, this odd neutral relationship between them. Not quite friends, but no longer filled with animosity and heartbreak.

Tobio knew he would never get more than this.

Oikawa was graduating.

Everything was going to change.

And Tobio would, yet again, be the one left behind.

\---

Returning home felt like a relief. 

After his realization, Tobio didn’t attempt to offer up anything more , he didn’t say anything more about his time in Tokyo. Oikawa himself didn’t seem to be in the mood to speak either, oddly enough, simply walking with him down the quiet streets of Miyagi.

Just two boys, walking the streets, alone but together.

It was a little strange, how you could feel so alone, so empty, even when you had someone by your side, close enough that you could feel the warmth of their body cut through the chill of the air.

“Oh Tobio, you’re back!” Touya exclaimed, looking up from the book he was reading in the hall. “Haiji-kun called, I told him I would tell you to call him back!”

“Oh,” Tobio murmured, surprised. He hadn’t had the chance to talk too much to Haiji in the past few days, with the hectic return from camp, practicing with Hinata after school and trying to work on his toss at night. He felt slightly guilty.

In avoiding his phone so he didn’t have to see Oikawa’s messages, he may have also avoided Haiji’s messages by accident.

He slipped up the stairs before his father could notice his expression. 

There was no point in letting himself focus on Oikawa, knowing that there was nothing Tobio could really do.

This was how things had been for a long time.

Just because Oikawa seemed to be treating him...with less animosity didn’t change the fact that both Oikawa and Iwaizumi would be graduating soon, leaving behind their third soulmate once and for all.

The last link between them would be severed.

It felt oddly final.

It probably said a lot about Tobio that even the rejection from his soulmates hadn’t felt this final.

Tobio wasn’t an optimist.

But he had always looked at Iwaizumi and Oikawa and believed in them, had faith in them.

Perhaps, there had always been a part of him hidden deep inside, rooted into his subconscious, that had always expected them all to drift together eventually. 

A part of him, the part that believed in his two soulmates and the kindness and gentleness he had seen them demonstrate for each other, had believed that eventually…

They would see him too.

Tobio couldn’t help but snort to himself.

He felt like a fool, right now. 

Of course that could never happen.

Why would it?

Tobio would always be their annoying kohai, the one that pushed Oikawa too far, the reason Iwaizumi had to fret over Oikawa more than he already had to.

Tobio didn’t do anything but cause them more problems.

Pulling out his cellphone, Tobio ignored the multiple messages from Oikawa, and simply checked to see if Haiji had messaged.

**Haiji-san: Tobio-kun! I have a surprise for you! Call me! :D**

Tobio smiled to himself, excited regardless of the stillness inside of him. 

He was even more amused when he called Haiji and his call was picked up on the first ring.

“Tobio-kun!” Haiji exclaimed, and Tobio could hear the smile in his voice.

He let himself bask in that for a moment, that someone could look forward to seeing him.

Even if that someone wasn’t either of his soulmates.

“Hi Haiji-san,” Tobio murmured, his lips curling up slightly. “How were the exams?”

“They went okay,” Haiji sighed, and Tobio could hear the noise of Haiji settling into a chair or a sofa, the sound of people talking loudly immediately muffled once he heard the sound of a closing door.

“I’m just glad it’s over and done with. But forget about that, I called to ask about how the camp went and tell you about my surprise!”

“Ah yes,” Tobio murmured, sitting down on the floor, back to the base of his bed, staring at his open closet. The closet where the faded blue of the KitaDai jacket seemed to be taunting him.

Instead of focusing on his jacket, Tobio closed his eyes and told Haiji all about the different people he had met at the camp. 

About Akaashi, the pretty, quiet setter who had gently guided him and taught him so much. 

About Yaku, who had stayed with him late into the night to practice his toss so that Yachi could go hang out with the other managers and get some rest. 

About Bokuto, and how his rambunctious energy was so easy to fall into, how it clearly made him a great captain.

About Kuroo, who came across as sly, cunning and notoriously flirty, but clearly cared a lot about his team and the other volleyball players around him.

It was nice to talk to Haiji about all of these wonderful people he had met- some of whom he might even go so far as calling his potential friends. It was nice to be able to talk about Hinata again, how they had silently made up, how they had gone back to supporting each other, now that they knew they could be the support the other needed.

They had both needed to grow. Hinata needed to learn that there was more to believing in yourself that he realized, that while he worked hard, hard work also needed a strong foundation.

Hinata had gone out and learnt that.

Tobio had needed to learn to let go of his past, let go of the fear of backs turning on him, once again, the distant memory of being abandoned on a court, the loud thud of a volleyball on the ground.

He had thought that he had faith in his team. Tobio had to realize that mere faith was not enough.

He needed to demonstrate it, show his willingness to be there for the people who were there for him.

Tobio had gone and done that.

It was...humbling. It was humbling to be able to grow next to someone, with someone, for someone.

Tobio had never had someone who would reach out, hold his hand, and climb up the mountain together, face everything together.

Haiji listened to him talk about all of this quietly, humming in agreement wherever necessary.

Tobio felt the chill of the evening slowly fade off his skin, the memory of the walk with Oikawa slowly fading. Even though he had just come in from the walk, it felt more like something hazy, something nostalgic that he wasn’t really sure had even happened.

After all, memories like this were probably the sort that should and would never see the light of day.

Instead, he felt a slow hum rush over his body, a warmth moving slowly through him, like the sun slowly rising in his chest. 

He felt the warmth of the words of his seniors- both from Karasuno and the other teams. 

He felt the proud smile from Yaku, when he had done something right. 

He heard the excited encouragement of Yachi, bright smiles like he was looking into the sun. 

He felt the gentle affection, the quiet concern, the understanding silence from Haiji, who was so far away but felt like he was here, by Tobio’s side, regardless.

Most of all, he felt the firm tug of a hand in his own, the bright, daring eyes of an orange haired boy, the gentle, fierce glow of his affection, like a hug that would never let Tobio go.

He had never had this before.

It was too much.

It was too little.

Tobio felt like a man in a desert, seeing an oasis for the first time, unsure and worried that it would vanish right before his eyes, like everything else had.

But this. This was real.

Tobio could keep this.

“What was the surprise, Haiji-san?” Tobio asked, tried to swallow around the tightness in his through, the tears of gratefulness brimming in his eyes, tears that collected but never fell.

“Ah!” Haiji exclaimed, clearly excited. “Your matches are coming up right? I got myself a ticket for Miyagi! I’ll be there to watch your matches! It’s Friday to Sunday right? The 25th to 27th? I don’t have any classes on Friday, so I figured I’d catch the train after my morning class and come over on Thursday night!”

“You’ll be watching my matches?” Tobio asked, surprised. He hadn’t had anyone watching his matches since–

“Yeah!” Haiji said, laughing to himself. “Your dad and I are going to be there. I figured I could afford to stay a bit after too, I don’t have classes I need to be physically present for till Wednesday, so I thought we could hang out on Monday and Tuesday after your school as well!”

“I,” Tobio started, unsure of how to express his gratitude. “Thank you, Haiji-san. I...I really appreciate it.”

“Of course, silly Tobio-kun,” Haiji said, laughing a little. “You’ve told me so much about your team, I wanna meet them too! And point out those assholes to me, I’ll have a chat with them.”

“No!” Tobio exclaimed hastily. “I...Dad doesn’t know who they are, Haiji-san. And you know Oikawa-san has been over once or twice now. My Dad...he doesn’t need to know.”

There was a minute of silence. “He’s going to find out eventually, Tobio-kun.”

“I’ll deal with that when it comes,” Tobio murmured. “Please, Haiji-san. I...I don’t want him to feel guilty for it. I–”

“I know,” Haiji murmured, sighing softly. “I know, Tobio-kun.”

Many weeks ago,Tobio had told Haiji about how he worried about his father. How he was worried about what losing his soulmate had done to Touya. How worried he was that Touya was spending all his energy trying to make up for something Tobio never even thought he had done.

Why did his father act like he was working towards his son’s forgiveness when his son didn’t blame him for anything?

It hurt. It hurt to see his father like this, like he was punishing himself for not being there for his son, for not being there when Tobio was sad, for not being there for his matches. 

But Tobio would never ever blame his father for that. He knew. He knew his father had always loved him, but Touya had been dealing with a lot at the time.

Tobio knew what it was like to lose his soulmates, to know they were never coming back. His rejection had been decisive. Touya’s had not.

Tobio could never blame Touya for needing his time, to want to get away.

How could Tobio blame Touya for doing something he himself had wanted to do?

Touya blamed himself for so much, when his son had never blamed him for anything.

Touya thought the reason Tobio didn’t talk about his soulmates, the reason he didn’t know who his son’s soulmates were, was because his son blamed him, because his son didn’t really think that he was capable of being there for him.

But that simply wasn’t the case.

Tobio had learnt something shortly before the rejection, something Touya had taught him. 

You couldn’t make your home in another person.

How could you burrow inside a person, settle inside them, make them your everything, when you couldn’t exist within yourself?

How could you depend on someone else to be your everything when you couldn’t bring yourself to be everything to yourself?

Touya had taught Tobio the importance of self-respect.

He had taught Tobio that there was no reason to allow people to treat him badly, there was no reason to stay by the side of people who would only ever hurt you.

There was a reason Tobio had chosen to not go to Seijoh.

It wasn’t because Oikawa had told him not to.

Sure, Tobio would always be chasing after the shadow of his two senpais. But he would never make his whole being dependent on them.

He was his own person. He didn’t need them to support him.

Why would he? He could support himself.

And when he couldn’t, he had his team and his friends and his father to catch him.

Touya had taught him so much.

The issue was that Touya didn’t realize what he had done, didn’t realize how much he had shaped his son.

Touya was one of the reasons Tobio was strong enough to be who he was today, to have faith in himself, to be proud of who he was.

Why would Tobio ever blame him for that?

\---

Tobio was on a bit of a high for the rest of the night, and that fuzzy feeling of happiness carried into the next day. It carried him through breakfast, where his father sent him an amused look that was tinged with a slight guilt, like he felt this should have happened sooner.

Regardless, Tobio didn’t dwell on it much. He was excited to show Haiji and his father how far their team had come. How far he, himself, had come since he had joined Karasuno. 

“I’m heading out to get some groceries!” Tobio called into the house. “Is there something you want me to bring??”

“I think we’re running out of tea and coffee,” Touya called back from the living room. “Could grab some when you’re at the store?”

“Sure,” Tobio called back, mentally adding the two items to his list of vegetables he had to pick up from the store. 

The weather seemed to reflect Tobio’s mood, the sun shining brightly in the sky, the cicadas chirping loudly in the forests that surrounded the area he lived in. They were probably louder near Hinata’s house, but even here, at the base of the mountains, Tobio could hear them. 

Tobio ran his fingers through his hair, thinking about Haiji coming down, where he would take him, people he needed to introduce him to. He was definitely going to introduce him to Yachi and Hinata, maybe even Daichi. If it was possible, maybe the whole team, but he wasn’t sure if Haiji would want to hang out with so many high schoolers.

The walk from his house to the nearby store wasn’t a long one, just a block or two away. As he got closer to the store, he started reciting his grocery list in his mind, to make sure he didn’t forget anything.

“Tobio-kun?” came a voice from somewhere ahead of him, snapping him out of his mental recitation.

Before him was a face he hadn’t seen for 2 years now. Those had been some of Tobio’s favorite days, time away from home where he knew his parents would be fighting.

“Iwaizumi-san,” Tobio said, bowing in greeting.

Iwaizumi Akane was slightly shorter than Tobio, but had always felt...ethereal in a way that Tobio couldn’t put words to. For him, her kind brown eyes and the warm, fond curl of her smile had always felt solid, like something that wouldn’t disappear.

_Like something that would stay_. 

Even though her wavy brown hair was shorter than the last time he had seen here, that feeling, the odd feeling like he was looking into the sun, didn’t seem to have changed even after the past 2 years- no matter how much Tobio had grown, in front of Iwaizumi Akane, he would always feel like he was a small child.

Looking at her now, he saw attributes of the people he now called his friends, the brightness of Yachi, the soothing, calm kindness of Kiyoko…

The ever-solid resolve of Hinata.

“I’ve told you so many times to call me Akane, Tobio-kun!” she admonished, grinning brightly as she approached him. “Even now I think you’re talking to my son. How have you been? It’s been so long since you came over!”

“Ah, yes Akane-san,” Tobio murmured, shyly. It had always felt really awkward for Tobio to talk to Akane, since she had always seemed like…

Tobio knew that a lot of his own nervousness around women was because he had simply never really had to be around a lot of women growing up. He had had his own mother, but she had almost never been home after he reached a certain age, and after that, he had spent more time with his grandfather than his parents. He had no memory of his grandmother. 

Akane had been the only female figure in his life when he had joined KitaDai. It had been awkward for him when he had first met her, his eyes constantly downcast in awkwardness and uncertainty.

It had taken a long time to stop that habit.

“I’ve been doing okay,” Tobio said, lips quirked up slightly at the way Akane had more or less skipped up to him. She was a gentle soul, easily excited about things and generally carefree in a way that reminded him of an odd fusion of Yachi and Kiyoko. “Um, I’m attending Karasuno now. I’m the setter for their volleyball team.”

“Ah yes!” she exclaimed, her eyes lighting up like she had remembered something. “Tooru-chan mentioned that a while back! You had a match with Seijoh right?”

Tobio nodded, a little flustered that Oikawa apparently talked to Iwaizumi’s mother about him.

“It’s funny, really,” she said, with an amused smile, tucking her brown hair behind her ear absentmindedly. “Hajime has to stop him from going on long tirades about you fairly often. They keep bickering about it.”

Tobio felt himself hunch a little. Could this get any more awkward?

It was clear that Akane had no idea who Tobio was to her son, and Iwaizumi seemed to have kept it that way.

It felt weird, given how Oikawa kept popping up in his life now, again and again, like a haunting of sorts. And his other soulmate seemed to have settled into forgetting he had ever existed.

Tobio had never thought about how people missed something they had never had before he had lost something he could have had but now, could never have.

“It reminds me of how the dynamic between you three back in KitaDai,” she continued, unaware of the awkwardness, lost in her memories of a baby-faced Tobio. Her eyes looked hazy, brimming with nostalgia, fondness curled against the corners of her eyes. “You were so cute, and Tooru-chan loved picking on you. Hajime always had to act like the knight in shining armor.”

Tobio could definitely see how it had looked like that to the outside world, how it had looked like the odd, slightly endearing dynamic of three children. The bickering, the hero-worship, the pattering of feet, one pair of eyes filled with awe and respect.

No one had noticed when that dynamic had shifted. The bickering had turned sour, the hero-worship had taken the sharp shape of broken glass against the force of abandonment.

There was no longer the pattering of feet.

All that remained was one pair of eyes, filled with awe and respect and, now, loss.

There was a reason he had stopped going to the Iwaizumi household. Iwaizumi and Oikawa never pushed for him to come, even though he kept hoping.

Deep in his chest, the cold sting of hope was one he carried with him for the years he had been in KitaDai, surrounded by people he knew but did not want to know him. 

After all, the cruelest thing in the world was to give someone hope, only to take it away.

The cold sting of hope, the loss of his grandfather, the abandonment of his mother, the quiet empty house he lived in. 

Tobio had carried that on his shoulders, and hoped, hoped, and hoped.

Maybe if he had been better, maybe if he was faster, maybe if he was stronger.

Of course, Tobio would never tell Akane any of this- he would never be able to open his mouth and tell her that her son had rejected his third soulmate, and that too in the manner it had been done.

Akane meant too much to Tobio, had been too important to him as he grew up at KitaDai, to ever want her to know what had happened for Tobio to stop coming to the Iwaizumi home. 

It would break her heart.

“Tobio-kun?” Akane whispered, her hand reaching out to cup his cheek like she had always done when he had been smaller. “You disappeared for a moment there.”

“Sorry,” Tobio murmured, his head tilting slightly, unconsciously, to press his cheek into Akane’s hand. “Are you going to the konbini?”

Tobio wanted to change the subject, but at the same time, he didn’t want to look away from the warm fondness, the easily given affection, the maternal air around Akane. 

It felt like drowning.

It felt like breathing for the first time.

“Ah yes! Are you? Why don’t we shop together? You can tell me what you’re up to nowadays!” she exclaimed, though her eyes had sharpened into thoughtfulness, focused on something Tobio couldn’t see. 

He hoped she hadn’t seen through him.

Tobio nodded, following behind her as she told him about her work in the nearby elementary school, how her husband was doing and how Iwaizumi himself was doing in school.

“What about you, Tobio-kun?” she asked, as they finally entered the konbini. “How is your new school? How come you didn’t go to Seijoh? I thought you would have gone there with Akira-chan and Yu-kun.”

Tobio hid a wince by grabbing a cart for himself. It bought him enough time to think about what his answer would be. 

There were, of course, multiple versions of the truth. The one that had more or less turned the tide had been Oikawa slamming him against the wall, hissing at him to not join.

But there had been a voice in his head, a quiet murmur, long before that. A voice in his head that told him that maybe, just maybe, he should separate himself from Oikawa and Iwaizumi on his own terms, leave them instead of the other way around.

His grandfather, who hadn’t known about the bond or the consequent rejection before his passing, had once mentioned that Oikawa seemed to be a rival.

“I needed something new to grow more,” Tobio said, quietly. “After all, there is only so much you can grow around your own rival.”

Akane smiled fondly, ruffling his hair. “Ah yes, I remember how much Tooru-chan had whined and pouted when he found out that you had joined Karasuno. I wasn’t surprised in the least that he decided to have a match against you not too long after.”

It didn’t make sense to Tobio that Oikawa had been upset that he hadn’t joined Seijoh, when he himself had gone out of his way to tell Tobio not to come. He discarded those thoughts, however, because there was really no need to think about that, not when he was now happy where he was.

“He’s always been a little protective of you,” she chuckled, not noticing his confusion. “Maybe a little possessive too, because he always seemed to see you as a protege.”

“My team, the Karasuno team, is great,” Tobio said, as they both started walking down the aisles, grabbing their groceries. There was no need to think about what he had been to Oikawa, what Tobio had become to him, and the blurred lines between his perceptions and the ever-elusive truth. “We had to work on some stuff, work on getting better, but we’re definitely getting there. This time around, we’ll beat Seijoh.”

“Are you happy there?” Akane asked, her voice gentle but serious. Tobio knew this was what she was worried about. To her, he was still the small boy she had once known, the boy who had looked so alone in a large group of boisterous boys. 

Back then, Tobio life had been a mesh of endless silence on a rainy day, the shadows within an empty house, the harsh jeers of the boy he had only ever looked up to, and the ghost of a woman, constantly standing behind him, reaching out, always reaching out but never connecting.

Somewhere in his heart, Tobio did truly love his mother. But it would have been a lie if he said that towards the end, any amount of kindness towards him would paint over the shattered marriage he had become a casualty of.

He knew what Akane was looking for. He knew she had sensed that fear in him, that quiet sadness that he had carried around for a long time, far longer than he had ever realized.

“It’s okay if you can’t answer,” she murmured, her eyes still on him, watching him carefully, like she was drinking him in. “It has been a long time since we’ve last seen each other. You’ve grown up so quickly, Tobio. It’s jarring in a way.”

Tobio looked down at his cart, trying to work out what to say.

“But I suppose, in my mind, you’ll always be baby-faced Tobio, following Tooru-chan and Hajime around, the apple of their eye,” she continued, as if she knew he was struggling to find an answer and was offering him an out. “It worries me, that I can’t be sure that you’re okay. I’ve asked Hajime about it, of course, but he gets really fidgety when I ask and changes the subject. And Tooru-chan is no better, you would think that you were dead or dying, from the way his face falls when I ask about you.”

It hurt his heart, to realize that for Akane, Tobio was at his happiest beside her son and Oikawa. 

She saw the spaces between him and Iwaizumi and Oikawa, the silences, the quiet glances- she saw them and thought it was safety, surety, and affection.

What she didn’t know was that, as it was now, he could never be happy near Iwaizumi or Oikawa. How could he be happy where he would never ever be wanted? 

Was it possible to find safety and kindness in a place that lacked so much? A space between them that no longer held any intent. A silence between them, where neither person was reaching for the other, neither person trying to go back to what once was.

Could you even go back to something like that?

_Should_ you go back to something that shattered so easily, so swiftly, with such little interest? 

Tobio was nothing more than a toy discarded by a child, a toy the child had no interest in any more.

Tobio knew that he had always had a hard time of letting things go. 

He was a little too stubborn and a tad too determined to do that. But even he, with all his stubbornness and determination to see things through….even he could take a step forward, one leg in the future, one leg forever stuck in the past.

“I’m happy, Akane-san,” he said, finally looking up, his voice ringing true. “I’m not going to lie, it was weird, in the beginning, to be in a school where I didn’t know anyone.”

His eyes stared at the bag of rice he was holding, thinking about the silence that had surrounded him when he had joined the school, how difficult it had been to talk to the people around him. If he hadn’t joined the volleyball team, Tobio didn’t know where he would have been.

“I’ve made some great friends. There’s Hinata, who is one of our middle blockers. We spend most of our time together,” Tobio continued, looking up at Akane. From the way his face seemed to soften, he knew she could hear the gentle fondness in his voice, could hear how much Hinata meant to him.

Hinata had been the first friend Tobio had ever had that stood by him. The first friend he hadn’t been worried about losing. 

“And then there are the other first years in the team, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. I don’t hang out with them as much, we mainly bicker,” Tobio said, after a small pause, not able to hold the chuckle at the thought of his dynamic with the prickly blonde, and Yamaguchi. “Yachi is our manager in training, and we’ve become good friends, she helps me study. And then there are my senpais in my team and some other people on the different teams we’ve met.”

Akane’s shoulders slumped in relief. It wasn’t till that point that Tobio noticed how tense she had been. Tobio couldn’t hold in the curl of his lips, a smile that was thankful, grateful that Akane cared so much about him.

“ They take good care of me, Akane-san,” Tobio finished, hoping that she would never have to know the double meaning in that statement. She didn’t need to know that he was cared for in Karasuno in a way her son and Oikawa had never bothered to at KitaDai.

Akane smiled, a slow smile like the rising sun. “I’m happy, Tobio-kun,” she whispered. “I really was worried about how you were settling in, but it had been a while since you had come over and I didn’t want to overstep.”

Tobio shook his head, his ears feeling a little warm. 

“I don’t mind Akane-san,” he murmured, before eyeing the big bags Akane had accumulated. Since Tobio was only shopping for two, he had only grabbed enough to fill one bag. Akane’s large grocery haul, however, was indicative of the large appetites that everyone in the Iwaizumi household seemed to have been blessed with.

“I can help you take your groceries home, Akane-san,” Tobio offered, unable to look directly at Akane anymore, his heart brimming over with affection for this amazing, kind and lovely woman.

He hadn’t realized how much he had missed this. While Tobio knew his mother had loved him, it probably used to be hard for her to be free with her affection the way most mothers were with their children. It must have been painful for her to look at Tobio and not remember what she had lost. 

Iwaizumi Akane had given that to him, had shown him that maybe, perhaps, not all mothers left you behind.

“Thank you, Tobio-kun,” she murmured, her voice warm like liquid caramel. It stuck to his heart like toffee, covering the sting of nostalgia, the memory of the ghost of a woman he had once known to be his mother reaching towards him once again.

The walk to the Iwaizumi household wasn’t a long one. And yet, as he walked through the streets he had walked through as a student in KitaDai, he couldn’t help but feel like he was once again on a path he had no business being on.

It was almost like, in his mind’s eye, Tobio could see his younger self, small hand held in a hand so much bigger than his own, walking amongst his old team. He could almost hear the laughter of Kindaichi, Oikawa’s incessant whining, and the press of Iwaizumi’s hand against his own as the older boy yelled at Oikawa.

Against his hand, here in the present, he felt like he could still feel the firm press, the warmth, the gentleness.

It was like a dream, a dream of people that he was never meant to call his own, a tattered jacket of dusty memories that he was still struggling to shake off.

Next to him, Akane was brightly chattering about the neighborhood, about restaurants he had once been to, places their team were regular visitors at.

It was odd, to be back here, on this street, seeing how everything had changed while Tobio was away.

Everything had changed, and it had changed without him.

And wasn’t that a crushing reminder of what his life was meant to be now?

“And here we are, Tobio-kun! Are you sure you can’t stay for dinner?” Akane asked, pulling out her key as they made their way through the gate to the Iwaizumi home.

“Yeah,” Tobio replied, with a small shrug. “I’ve already made dinner at home, and my father is waiting. It’s his off day today, so we’re going to spend time together.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Akane exclaimed, as she set the bag of groceries in her hands down on the table. “My, you’ve gotten really strong, haven’t you Tobio-kun? You’re carrying four of my bags for me!”

“It’s okay,” Tobio mumbled, feeling a little shy at this remark. “It’s probably just an end result of volleyball. We practice and train a lot.”

Focusing on Akane let Tobio distract himself from his immediate surroundings. This used to be a dinner table Tobio had eaten at often. A few steps away was the hall he used to hang out with the KitaDai team in.

This home was a collection of memories that Tobio didn’t want to look at, memories he was desperately trying to distance himself from.

But it was like quicksand- these memories that Tobio had once held so close to his heart, the memories of what he had thought would be his first real group of friends.

If he let himself step into them, he would sink, slowly and surely, with no one around to help him get out of it.

Once all the groceries were kept on the table, Tobio stretched a little before grabbing his own bag.

“I’ll have to get going, Akane-san,” Tobio said, running his hand through his hair. “I should get these things home, and then I might practice a little in the evening.”

Akane’s face did something weird- like it was falling while she was trying hard to keep smiling. She sighed and nodded, a small pout on her face like she was thinking.

And then suddenly, Tobio found himself pulled into a hug, Akane’s arms around him tightly.

It had been a very long time since someone had hugged Tobio.

He had forgotten what it felt like, to burrow into someone like this, to be held so securely, like he wasn’t going to fall apart.

He gently wrapped his arms around Akane, letting himself savor this.

“Don’t be a stranger, okay, Tobio-kun?” she said, her voice suspiciously shaky. “I don’t want to have to wait two more years before I am able to check in on you.”

“Of course,” Tobio lied, knowing fully well he wasn’t going to have the strength to come back here, to see her again.

It would have been beautifully heart wrenching if this was nothing but a dream, a dream in which Tobio reunited with someone from his childhood, a dream in which maybe everyone could be happy.

But this wasn’t a dream.

This was reality.

And because it was reality, Tobio pulled away, a small sad smile on his face that he managed to hide from Akane. He tried to ignore the pain in his chest, the emptiness inside him as he stepped out of the house waving back at her as he made his way out.

The cruelest thing you could do to someone was giving them hope, only to take it away.

And here Tobio was, his heart aching in his chest, looking down the street he once used to walk frequently. It felt so real, the memories of people that were once his own- the memories of their touch, their warmth, their laughter, their smiles- it all felt so real.

He was snapped out of his reverie at the feeling of a drop of water hitting his face. 

It was going to rain.

Closing his eyes slightly, Tobio let himself feel the droplets against his skin, letting the water wash away the distant pang of nostalgia and want. Opening his eyes again, he started walking down the road, past the stores from his memories. The ramen shop he used to go to was still open and thriving. The park he had played at with Kindaichi and Kunimi was now replaced by a daycare. 

The bakery they used to buy birthday cakes from had closed, and was now replaced by a laundromat. He could still smell the scent of the lemon tarts now, the bittersweet scent wrapping its way around his heart, leaving behind a tingling sensation of loss.

“Kageyama-kun?” a voice came from ahead of him.

So he stopped. 

A voice he wasn’t sure was real or if it was in his memories. Pulling his eyes away from the daycare, Tobio looked ahead to see Iwaizumi Hajime, running his hands through his hair.

Both of them were soaked.

“Iwaizumi-san,” Tobio acknowledged, his voice distant and removed. He couldn’t find it in himself to garner up any warmth or affection. Because, standing here in the rain, Tobio realized something that he had been trying not to see for months now.

Standing in Iwaizumi’s company, here in the rain, he realized that he felt nothing.

There was no emotion or warmth. Even with the wall up, Tobio could often feel a warmth, an insistent push against the wall, when he was around Oikawa. 

With Iwaizumi, there was nothing.

There was just a void, an opening, gaping chasm between them.

“You’ll get sick, if you stay out in the rain like this,” Iwaizumi said, the sentiment of concern almost feeling like a mockery. Because it was as if Iwaizumi didn’t realize that Tobio could see through it.

If Iwaizumi had cared, Tobio would have felt something against the wall.

All he felt was emptiness, that void growing slowly.

“I’m heading home,” Tobio replied, his voice still controlled and steady, giving away nothing. “Goodbye, Iwaizumi-san.”

“See you at our matches,” Iwaizumi replied, nodding as they crossed each other.

Walking in different directions, the rain hitting against their skin, neither turned back.

There was nothing to turn back to.

**Author's Note:**

> My twitter, if you'd like to randomly chat with me, is @LemonGirl0594 and I'm misakikinomoto over on tumblr!
> 
> Anywho, I'd appreaciate all kudos and comments! Hope you like it!


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